All right, everybody, we're back.
Janine Turner is coming up in just a minute.
It'll be great to have her on the program and-
Excuse me, Conan? Andy?
Oh, hey!
Folks, it's Todd.
He's one of our security guards here at the program.
I'm sorry to bother you during the show,
but there's this woman out here who doesn't have a ticket
and she keeps insisting on coming in anyway.
Well, you can't interrupt the show, I mean,
you'll just have to tell her to come back another time.
Well, I would tell her to come back, Andy,
but she keeps claiming she's your little sister.
(audience laughs) Hey, Andy!
(Andy groans) Oh, hi, yeah.
No, that is Andy's little sister, Stacy.
Hey there, Stacy.
Hi Stacy. Hi Conan!
Yeah, we didn't know you were coming today,
but it's really nice to see you again.
It is?
Stacy, remember how we decided maybe it was better
if you didn't come to the show for a while? Remember that?
Yeah, I know, Andy. I'm sorry.
But last time I was here I totally spazzed out
like a super dork.
Well, it's okay, Stacy.
Yeah, you were upset because you have a crush on Conan
and you found out he doesn't feel the same way.
Andy, why don't you go, like, tell Russia or something?
Look, Andy didn't mean to embarrass you.
I just don't wanna see you get hurt, that's all.
[Audience] Aw!
You don't?
Stacy, last time you were here you got pretty upset.
Look, since then I have grown so much emotionally.
Stacy, that was four weeks ago. That was a month.
I know that, but with the help
of both transcendental meditation
and my Judy Blume books,
I have come to terms with my feelings for Conan,
and I now know that I need to concentrate
on boys my own age.
So I brought some pictures to show you guys.
This is my room when I used to be obsessed with Conan.
(audience laughs)
And here's my room now.
Check it out!
Yeah!
(audience applauds)
There's a sign in there that says I Luv Hanson.
Yeah, yeah. Yeah, we saw.
I love the middle one.
Yeah. Yeah, but Stacy,
your room is still basically a shrine to Conan.
Okay, I appreciate your concern, Andy,
but I want you to know that I am totally glad
that Conan already has a girlfriend.
You are? Sure.
Without her there'd be nobody to compare me to,
and then you would never realize that I am
your true, ultimate soulmate.
(audience laughs)
What?
Don't fight it, Conan.
We all need to experience rejection of a relationship
in order to make room for the arrival of true love.
Now, wait, Tracy, I don't think you, you, you...
Or Stacy, I'm sorry. (chuckles)
(audience laughs)
Look, I... (audience applauds)
Look, I don't think you understand.
I really am flattered, but I like you as a friend,
and only as a friend.
What?
Come on, don't you think we could be friends?
Oh, yeah.
Sure.
Let's be friends.
Tell you what, why don't I just sit down
and watch my friend do his little show,
all right?
Have a seat, all right?
I'm sure this gentleman won't mind moving.
Sir?
(audience laughs)
(laughs) No, I'm sorry. I waited all day for this seat.
Get outta here, musclehead!
Before I break you in half like a Twix bar!
Move it!
[Conan] Stacy!
(audience applauds) Come on!
You know it!
Bring it! Stacy, take it easy!
Take it easy, Stacy.
You shut your hole, Richter!
I got a sock full of batteries with your name on it!
Come on!
Oh my...
Oh my god! Come on!
I'll tell ya, I am outta here, everybody!
But I promise you I'll be back!
And when I do the walls will tremble in the wake of my fury!
And you, O'Brien, you will hang, drawn and quartered,
on the frayed ropes of my vengeance!
Are you there, God? It's me, Stacy!
(audience applauds) Yeah!
Whoo!
Yeah! Stacy!
[Stacy] Whoo!
Stacy!
Stacy! Stacy, stop doing that, okay?
I don't even know what that is. Now, I'm sorry I upset you.
Don't you understand? I really like you.
I'm sorry too.
I mean, for some, puberty is a sign of awakening,
but for me puberty is a raging sea of psychosexual turmoil.
Well, wait a minute.
Well, then why don't you just sit down
and we'll get you some popcorn and then-
I can't eat popcorn 'cause it gets stuck in my braces!
All right! Okay, just take it easy!
We're gonna take a little break, we'll think of something.
We'll be right back with-