There - he's not watching. Let's get him, Boo!
It's time to check out the Grand Master of gaming icons, himself:
Mario.
While there isn't that many outright BAD Mario games,
there have been a few over gaming history that have... BEDAZZLED children and adults alike
at their sheer stupidity and abysmal gameplay.
So let's check out the top 6 WORST Mario games.
And, as always, if you DO like these games...
that's great!
It's just my usual, silly personal opinion,
and I'm glad you can enjoy them.
Anyway, let's do this countdown.
#6:
Mario's Game Gallery
... Mario's-... Game Gallery?
Now THIS sounds like a breathtaking, sensational game!
So Mario, what will we be doing at your magnificent Game Gallery?
Storm Bowser's Castle? Run from an army of Bob-ombs?
Or... play Checkers...
Dominoes, or...
I don't know if you've ever heard of BACKGAMMON?
Hey! "Go Fish"! That sounds like fun.
Is this an underwater level?
[Mario] I'ma go first.
[Strider] No, it's literally the "Go Fish" card game.
Admittedly, a very well-made card game.
But has anyone ever ACTUALLY said
"Hey! Why doesn't a game exist where I can play cards with Mario?"
Hey! "Yacht"! That sounds like fun.
Is it some sort of boating minigame where you need to speed across the ocean?
[Mario] Good-a luck!
[Strider] Okay, I'm seeing lots of numbers.
So this time the peak of entertainment is...
Rolling a dice?!
I just can't imagine the CRUSHING disappointment
of the child that INSTALLED this game,
WAITED through the endless jargon of D.O.S.,
ONLY to open up to the options of playing Cards, Dice, and...
Checkers with Mario.
On the plus side, though,
these are solid, ACCEPTABLE versions of these boring games.
And this is actually the first time we got to see Charles Martinet voicing Mario.
[Mario] That's-a going on the FULL house.
But WHY does this game even exist?!
For those who would like to try it out,
it's actually a D.O.S. game you can play online.
I've left a link to it in the description if you'd like to try it out.
AND for #5:
Mario's Time Machine
What a deceptively cruel title!
When I saw this in my S.N.E.S. library MANY years ago
I was excited!
HOW could they top the ultimate perfection that was Super Mario World?
Why not do a Sonic CD
and play Mario while we jump back and forth through the time-and-space continuum?
But, Jebus!
I was left tasting such BITTER disappointment
that I forever banished Mario's... "Time Machine" from my library.
Boring and tedious, and only TECHNICALLY educational.
At least Carmen Sandiego mixed up it's edutainment a bit! -
- molding suspense and mystery to push us on with the story.
This is just a LONG,
TEDIOUS
careful maneuvering of buttons and numbers.
In order for... NOTHING to happen that's even REMOTELY interesting.
The gameplay consists of a minigame where we have to go into...
random whirlpools while surfing across water.
I guess it's meant to be... the "Water of Time"?
Oh, who am I kidding? This has NOTHING to do with time travel.
Otherwise?
You'll spend most of your time answering questions for aristocrats
and filling in blank spaces on papers.
"FUN"?
And coming in at #4:
''Paper Mario: Sticker Star''
I'm sorry, I know it was relatively well-received,
but I personally just couldn't STAND this Mario game!
I got this one for free with my 3DS, and...
at first I was really excited.
The Paper Mario games are essentially spin-offs of Mario RPG,
which is one of my favorite games of all time.
How could they POSSIBLY give a MARIO game away for free?!
The E.B. guy musta' been nuts, or something.
... Oh. That's why.
It's DULL as dishwater and I literally got stuck
after 10 minutes of gameplay.
Despite VERY careful reading,
I had no idea where I was supposed to be going - to the point where I couldn't progress any further.
You get NO party members,
and no experience from battles.
What's the freaking incentive for turn-based battles if I don't even get EXPERIENCE?
Every year, the... "Sticker Comet" comes to Earth,
and other... Stickers may wish on it to get their... Sticker Wishes granted.
When... "Sticker" Bowser touches it,
the "Six... Royal... Stickers" are scattered -
and TAKE a guess what we have to collect.
I quickly got tired of trying to PRY the Stickers off walls
and going from one Sticker-filled-location hunt to the next.
I guess to someone who... LIKES stickers,
this game would probably be like some sort of long orgasm to them.
But to me, personally,
I found the interactive menu of my 3DS more entertaining than playing
"Sticker Star".
Sticker Star can... "stick it".
And the 3rd WORST Mario game is...
Mario Teaches Typing
Ohhh, I remember THAT music!
[Mario] Welcome to Mario Teaches-a Typing!
[Strider] RAAHH!
What did you do to Charles Martinet?!
Why does Mario sound like... BIFF from Back to the Future?
[Biff] Aw, THAT's about as funny as a screen door on a battleship.
[Strider] Mario Teaches Typing will interest most people for a solid...
15 seconds before they REALIZE the maddening terror that has become their lives.
If you press a key? Mario might hit a block!
And if you're REALLY advanced, you hit ANOTHER key -
and Mario might stomp on a Koopa.
I wish I could say more, but there's really little else to say about Mario's Typing.
At least they're... UPFRONT with their title, this time!
Not LURING kids into the idea that they...
MIGHT have a good time.
I'm all for kids and adults learning to type,
but this is more like a... NASTY joke you give to your friends.
And the 2nd worst Mario game is...
Mario Brothers on the Atari 2600.
Gyaahh!
Can we just agree that Mario games...
DIDN'T handle the downgrade to Atari with dignity?
They handled it a-... bout as eloquently as Pac-Man did.
I feel genuinely BAD for the child who had to play this... THING
instead of a proper Nintendo Mario game.
Just... give the poor kid River Raid
and take this malformed horror back to the video store.
I mean- look at the original arcade version.
TEN times more friendly, colourful, and pleasant on the eyes and ears.
This is CERTAINLY a case of
"If it doesn't port well, don't port it".
And before we get to #1,
I'd like to do the usual quick, DIS-honourable mentions.
Mario Teaches Typing 2
WAAHH!
WHAT is THAT?!
And WHY does this disembodied horror call itself "Mario"?!
Again, solid enough gameplay, but- BY GOD, that head!
Mario Sunshine
Let's help Mario clean graffiti, now!
This one was recommended a LOT,
but I didn't personally think it was THAT bad!
The main game is a little bland, but I have this personal love of the adventure field gameplay.
And I always kind of enjoyed the novelty of
Mario spraying water to get around in... unorthodox different ways.
Mario Brothers: The Lost Levels
Basically a collection of all the levels that were taken out of the U.S. Mario version
because the Japanese considered them too hard and flat-out unfair.
... Which is fair enough, because these levels are
flat-out AGGRAVATING to try and finish.
Mario's Early Years
[Kids] Crinkle your nose!
[Strider] It's silly - but, ehh, it's still a solid game.
And I'd take this over "Math Rescue" any day!
Mario Tennis on the Virtual Boy
It's Virtual Boy! What can we expect?
Every game on that console except Wario stunk!
And with those mentioned, here we go.
And the #1 WORST Mario game is...
[Bowser] Hmhmhuhahahaha..!
[Strider] Hotel Mario
In this ENDLESSLY infuriating game,
you try to see which one of your friends can keep their sanity the longest
before someone inevitably pulls a sledgehammer on their CDI.
WHY does Bowser's five hotels consist entirely of fecal-coloured doors, anyway?!
... And elevators that lead to NOWHERE!?
Couldn't he put in - I don't know - a lavatory?
A reception desk?
Maybe... A BED?
Problem 1:
The same five seconds of music plays -
OVER AND OVER -
'til it feels like some sort of twisted Chinese torture device.
Problem 2:
The CDI cutscenes are the most cheesy things since
double-cheese crust pizzas with extra cheese.
Problem 3:
The gameplay consists of the same...
SCHLOCK-coloured trees, doors, and seizure-inducing scenery... over and over!
Problem 4:
Could they have POSSIBLY made the game look any...
pug-fuglier?!
Just... looking at this colour-strewn MESS of animation
feels more like I'm gazing into a toilet after someone's been sick into it.
Problem 5?:
The gameplay. Is. MADDENING.
For every ONE door you close,
a Goomba will inevitably open
FIVE MORE.
... And it just keeps repeating like this, for...
what I believe could be forever!
God knows I couldn't FINISH the game!
Personally, I'd rather be basted in chocolate spread
and fed to hungry LIONS than have to play another MOMENT
...of this cringe-inducing GARBAGE PILE of a game.
... But honestly,
the vast majority of Mario games have always remained
some of the BEST Nintendo games available on the market.
There are so few genuinely poor-quality Mario games
that you'd really have to look back a good...
15 YEARS before you find something even... REMOTELY low-quality.
And while some of us may wish the plumber would offer a BIT more variety nowadays,
I still look forward to each new, fun, cheery romp
with the plumber and his Mushroom friends!
Do you think I missed a few Mario games?
If you think so, feel free to leave your thoughts in the comments -
and, as always, thanks for watching,
and I'll see you next time!