-Oh my gosh. -Welcome.
-Thank you for having me. -Thank you for being here.
Are you kidding me? -It's so cool.
-You look like... -This is so cool.
-...the coolest person I know. -I know.
It's the leather jacket, you know?
-It's like, you look so cool. [ Cheers and applause ]
-And it really -- And the nose ring.
I, like, am so -- This is fake, by the way.
I'm not -- -It's okay. Whatever.
-I just take it out -- Just get fake nose ring,
because I'm 35, and I wanted a nose ring so bad.
I had one in college. -Right.
-And it kept getting ripped out every time I would wash my face
and like -- does it get snagged on towels ever for you?
"Gah, gah, gah, gah!" -Yeah, but then I stop.
-Yeah. I would just keep going. -But then I stop.
-I don't just rip it out. [ Laughter ]
You're the perfect guest for today's show, actually.
-Thank you. -And I'm so excited you're here.
Because we just did a monologue about porn.
-Yes. Love it. -And I have to ask,
do you consume porn? -Oh, yeah.
I mean, I try to, like, take a break from it, and --
'Cause sometimes it just gets too weird.
Like, my porn gets gross quickly.
Like, you start out very vanilla, and then it's like,
"Oh. Based on these videos you watch,
why don't you check out some of these?"
You know, the suggested ones? [ Laughter ]
And there's starting to be, like, blood in those,
and I'm like, "Easy, porn." [ Audience groans ]
And they're like, "We'll see you next week."
And I'm like, "You're right." [ Laughter ]
"You always get me right." But a lot of the videos --
Like, I don't know. I'm into some, like --
I like dungeons. I like girls tied up.
[ Cheers ] I talked about it.
I just -- For me, being tied up --
I know, you're -- these are some freaks up in here.
[ Laughter, cheers, applause ]
-He just screamed like he was tied up.
-Yeah. [ Laughter ]
Yeah, you have them tied up right now.
[ Laughter ] No. I feel like,
when you get tied up, it's -- I've said it before but it's --
I like it 'cause it's forced laziness.
Like, you can't do anything to that guy or whoever,
so you're just like, "I want to, but I can't.
Let me out." [ Laughter ]
So, that's my life. But...
-That's a perspective I have never thought about.
-Oh, it's so good. Get into it.
-All right, Nikki, I absolutely have to talk about
your legendary Comedy Central Roasts.
-Yes. -I mean, so amazing.
[ Cheers and applause ] -Thank you.
-And I've always wondered this question, actually.
I've always wondered... -Yeah?
-...have you ever been -- 'Cause it's all fun and game.
You know that. But have you ever been hesitant
to make a joke about somebody 'cause you're like,
"Oh, I don't know how this is gonna go over?"
-Yes. I mean, because you meet the people that you're roasting
right before you go on, so, like, right backstage.
You try to, like, walk up to them and be like,
"I'm sorry," like, real quick. [ Laughter ]
And have a moment where you're just like,
"I'm a -- I'm a nice person.
Don't take anything I said seriously."
So, when I did the roast of Bruce Willis,
I believe it was, Martha Stewart was backstage.
And I had written all these jokes about her.
And I had whittled it down to, like, a couple.
I had dropped some other ones
that I just thought were a little too mean.
And we had an interaction that was like --
She just wasn't that warm to me.
-Okay. -I mean -- I just --
I was expecting a lot more. But let me just say, I --
I'm not one of these people to be like, "She's a bitch,"
because, like, you have a bad day or you're nervous and you --
-Or maybe you're getting in the zone or something.
-Yeah, I don't mean to say she's like that all the time,
and people who I know that work with her say she's lovely, but,
you know, NDA. And so, uh... [ Laughter ]
No, she's apparently great. [ Applause ]
But I -- With this interaction --
'Cause I wanted -- 'Cause I love her.
I grew up, like, with my mom watching her,
and she was, like, always ever-present in my home,
so I wanted to have, like, this, like, moment with her,
and I didn't get it out of it, and I was kind of like,
"You just confirmed something that I --
I'm gonna add in a joke
that wasn't even in the teleprompter."
So when I was up on stage,
because of my interaction with her backstage,
I added in a joke where I was like,
"You know, Martha, my mom learned so much from you.
You were just, like, ever-present in my household.
She learned about cooking and organizing
and withholding affection," and it just --
[ Laughter, audience "Ohhs" ]
Because I like to do roast jokes that are true.
That one, to me -- I was like, "It's true.
I know you're a little bit cold, and I bet, like,
your daughter relates to me right now."
You know? [ Laughter ]
-Wow. I mean, that is a lot of bravery,
though, I just want to say. I love that so much.
-Thank you. -I think that's so, so cool.
I admire everything about that joke.
But let's talk about your stand-up for a second.
-Yeah. -Because in your stand-up,
you talk a lot about yourself and your relationships,
and so I got to ask, what is like
going on a date with Nikki Glaser?
Break it down for me. -You know, it's -- it's hard
to get a date with me 'cause I'm a workaholic,
because I'm scared of intimacy.
And so no one can really get in if I'm --
I do like, you know, two to six sets a night,
and then I work all day. It's like really --
It's hard to get a date with me, but I'm on that, like,
celebrity dating app, Raya. -Mm-hmm.
-And it's ridiculous. It's just --
It should be called "D.J.s jumping off of yachts."
I mean, that's all that that is on there.
-Ayyyyy! -Are you on there?
Are you on there? -I am on there. I am.
-Yes, of course you are. -And I'm jumping off a yacht.
-Yeah -- Are you? -No, I'm not.
-Yo, it's so true. So I went out with
one of these D.J.s jumping off of a yacht, and...
[ Laughter ] ...he asked me out.
I had, like, a million sets that night.
And I said, "Come meet me at the club."
I was at the Comedy Cellar.
I was hanging out at the back table.
That's kind of infamous for comedians just, like,
B.S.'ing back there and hangin'.
And I told all my friends, I'm like,
"I'm going on a date in between sets at the café next door."
And we pull up the guy's profile,
and they're all, like, trashing him, as comedians do.
And I'm like, "He seems nice."
And they're like, "He's a D.J.
You're gonna hate him." And I'm like, "No, I'm not.
We're friends." No, I love D.J.s, I guess.
I don't know. [ Laughter ]
I see what you do, and I might never, but, um --
No, I'll match -- I'll swipe right on you, for sure.
For sure. -I'm honored.
I'm flattered. -Yes.
-Thank you. -But, I'll see you
at a café between my sets. [ Laughter ]
So, I went next door for this date,
and we're sitting there, and he's like very nervous
because it's next to the Comedy Cellar,
and he's just -- and we're having a good time,
and I was like, "Oh, I was next door,
and all my friends were, like, roasting you.
I'm sorry about that." And he's like, "Oh, really?"
He goes, "You mean those friends?"
And I turn around, and we have a picture of what I saw.
-Actually, let me show you this picture.
-Look at this picture. This is all my friends.
[ Laughter and applause ] Matteo Lane, Jim Florentine,
Monroe Martin, Keith Robinson, Michelle Wolf --
Michelle Wolf, and Von Decarlo, all just like, "Hey!"
Just like -- it was so funny.
And I just felt so loved and supported.
I mean, if I could bring them with me on every date
to cut the tension, it would be amazing.
-Wait. Did you have a second date with this person?
-No, we're just friends. Just friends.
You know that vibe.