>> Stephen: HEY, I DON'T KNOW ABOUT YOU, BUT I HAVE BEEN
RIVETTED TO THE TRIAL OF THE CENTURY OF THE WEEK.
I'M TALKING ABOUT FAR-RIGHT RADIO HOST AND GUY GETTING
ARRESTED AT MINI-GOLF, ALEX JONES.
( LAUGHTER ) JONES, IF YOU REMEMBER, HE IS
NOW IN A BITTER LEGAL BATTLE WITH HIS EX-WIFE, AND
SHE'S SHOWING THE COURT VIDEOS OF JONES' RADIO SHOW AS EVIDENCE
THAT HE'S NOT STABLE ENOUGH TO HAVE CUSTODY OF THEIR KIDS.
LET'S TAKE A LOOK.
>> THIS IS A HUMAN.
THIS IS WHAT WE LOOK LIKE!
THIS IS WHAT WE ACT LIKE!
THIS IS WHAT EVERYBODY WAS LIKE BEFORE US.
THIS IS WHAT I AM.
I'M A THROWBACK.
I'M HERE!
I'VE GOT THE FIRE OF HUMAN LIBERTY!
I'M SETTING FIRES EVERYWHERE!
( LAUGHTER ) >> Stephen: "UHM, DAD, COULD YOU
DROP ME OFF AROUND THE CORNER FROM THE PARTY?"
( LAUGHTER ) I'LL JUST WALK IN.
THANKS."
HIS EX-WIFE ALSO SHOWED A VOOF JONES TAKING OFF ALL HIS CLOTHES
AND PROMOTING MALE VITALITY PRODUCTS.
I'M GOING TO GUESS THAT WAS THE BEFORE PICTURE WE'RE LOOKING AT.
NOW, JONES' LAWYER EXPLAINED THAT SCREAMING AND STRIPPING IS
JUST PART OF JONES PLAYING A CHARACTER ON HIS RADIO SHOW.
EXCEPT THAT HIS EX-WIFE SAYS JONES "IS FOND OF DISROBING OFF
AIR AS WELL, INCLUDING DURING COUNSELING SESSIONS."
( LAUGHTER ) "OKAY, EVERYBODY, GOOD WORK
TODAY.
WHAT I'M HEARING IS THAT THIS ISSUE GOES BACK TO WHEN DAD GOT
NAKED JUST NOW."
LET'S PICK THAT UP AGAIN TOMORROW.
AND IF YOU COULD PICK UP YOUR PANTS, THAT WOULD BE GOOD, TOO.
BUT IT GETS CRAZIER, BECAUSE JONES SAID HE COULDN'T REMEMBER
"BASIC FACTS" ABOUT HIS CHILDREN DURING A DEPOSITION BECAUSE "HE
HAD A BIG BOWL OF CHILI FOR LUNCH."
WHAT DID HE SPRINKLE ON TOP OF THE CHILI, CHEDDAR CHEESE AND
ROOFIES?
BUT I FEEL FOR ALEX JONES, BECAUSE I, 52, PLATE A BELOVED
RIGHT-WING CHARACTER.
NOT STEPHEN COLBERT.
I'M TALKING ABOUT MY CAHARCTER TUCK BUCKFORD, WHO HAD A LOT OF
THE SAME LEGAL PROBLEMS, WHICH HE OFTEN TALKED ABOUT ON HIS
SHOW "BRAIN FIGHT."
JIM?
>> WELCOME BACK TO "BRAIN FIGHT" SOVEREIGN CITIZENS OF THE BRAIN
NATION.
OLD TUCK'S RILED UP TODAY.
MY EX-WIFE THINKS SHE CAN CONSPIRE WITH THE GOVERNMENT TO
DIVORCE ME AND TAKE MY CHILDREN, BUT I'M FIGHTING BACK WITH MY
BRAIN FIST, ANOTHER BECAUSE MY MIND IS A WEAPON, AND MY SKULL'S
A GAUGE OF CAGE FOR YOUR PROTECTION, ALL RIGHT?
FOR EVERYONE'S PROTECTION, BECAUSE I'VE GOT POWER, OKAY.
I'M A FATHER!
I HAVE MALE VITALITY!
MY CHILDREN FLEW OUT OF MY PENIS LIKE A FLAME OF LOVE!
AND THEY WERE MADE AND NOW I LOVE THEM LIKE THEY WERE A FIRE
OF MY OWN MIND!
NOW THEY WANT TO TAKE THEM AWAY JUST BECAUSE I CAN'T REMEMBER A
FEW MINOR DETAILS LIKE HOW MANY OF THE CHILDREN ARE THERE?
( LAUGHTER ) OR WHAT THEIR NAMES ARE.
AND IF ALL THOSE CHILDREN ARE MY CHILDREN.
THEY LOOK LIKE MY CHILDREN.
HELL, THEY WERE IN MY YARD, OKAY.
THEY KNOW THE RULES.
FIRST TIME THE FRISBEE LANDS IN MY YARD, FRISBEE'S MINE.
SECOND TIME, YOU'RE MINE, OKAY.
( LAUGHTER ) AND I CAN'T REMEMBER STUFF, ALL
THESE DETAILS ABOUT THESE KIDS THAT MAY OR MAY NOT BE MINE
BECAUSE MY BRAIN SIGNALS ARE GETTING ALL SCRAMBLED UP BY THE
CHILI, OKAY.
RIGHT HERE, THE SERPENTS AT FEMA, THE WHORE OF PEOPLE-A-LON,
IS PACKING HORMONES IN MY HORMEL.
THAT'S WHERE THE NAME COMES FROM THE HORMELOMONE.
IT'S GONE, ALL RIGHT!
"M" "M" "M"!
I LOVE CHILI, ALL RIGHT.
THAT'S GOD'S FOOD.
I LOVE THE CHILI AS MUCHAISE LOVE MY KIDS!
A LITTLE RED BEAN MAN AND MEAT CHUNK JR. AND SMOKY PAPRIKA, MY
DAUGHTER.
OF COURSE I TAKE MY CLOTHES OFF AT FAMILY MEETINGS.
WHAT DO YOU THINK I'M SUPPOSED TO DO?
I DON'T NEED PANTS TO PARENT.
OKAY.
A CHILDREN NEEDS TO SEE WHAT A MAN'S LEGS LOOK LIKE, OKAY!
RIGHT THERE!
THAT'S LEG!
MAN'S LEG!
I'M A DANCER.
I DON'T WAX, OKAY, BECAUSE I'M NOT A LITTLE CHILD OR A WOMAN
FROM SOUTH AMERICA, OKAY.
THAT'S A LEG FULL OF BLOOD AND CHILI.
LOOK AT THAT.
A LITTLE CHILI ON THERE.
GOT A LITTLE CHILLO THAT LEG.
THAT'S A MOISTURIZER, AS GOD INTEND.
YOU KNOW, IN THE BOOK OF HABUKUKOK-- PAPA.
>> OH!
TINY GHOSTS!
THEY'RE IN HERE TRYING TO VACCINATE ME!
GET BACK OUT, YOU DEMONS!
THE CHILI WILL PROTECT ME.
THE CHILL WILL PROTECT US ALL.
TODAY'S SHOW IS BROUGHT TO YOU BY MAIL CHIMP, NOT THE EMAIL
SERVICE.
I'M TALKING ABOUT A BOY APE WHO PROTECT YOURSELF HOME.
HE WILL B BITE YOUR ENEMY'S FACE OFF!
WE'VE GOT A GREAT SHOW FOR YOU TONIGHT.
ROSE BYRNE IS HERE!
BUT WHEN WE RETURN, I WILL SHARE MY MOST HEARTFELT MIDNIGHT
CONFESSIONS.
STICK AROUND!