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all right this is silver surfer silver
[ __ ] you look so stupid I mean what the
hell is wrong with them it's just like
like alright so you get this stage like
thing kind of like in Mega Man which is
good for the sake of this review so I
don't really have to beat anything to
show you all the stages in the game so
it's just like one of those fly and
shoot games kind of like defender or
life force you know nothing too special
but not bad actually your weapons kind
of lame but there's power-ups which let
you shoot double [ __ ] I can't touch the
walls that's right you can't touch
anything in this game so don't [ __ ]
around anyway what was I saying about
the weapons
oh yeah there's there's not much else I
think you can get I mean you can shoot
backwards like if somebody's coming
behind you and that's always a real [ __ ]
sucker cuz you want to concentrate on
what's ahead it's kind of clumsy to
switch back because you press the beep
button to change directions but use a to
shoot ah [ __ ] I guess that wasn't a good
time to demonstrate
there you go shooting the rubber duckie
which doesn't die oh [ __ ]
if you play this game one thing I can
guarantee is that your thumb is gonna
get pretty damn sore from tapping that
button there's not one instant when you
can take a break you're constantly
firing away even when there's nothing in
sight because you don't know what's
coming up I mean there's no reason not
to be shooting and this wouldn't bother
me so [ __ ] much if you could just
hold down the button and let it keep
shooting but no of course not
so what you need is a turbo button
whether it's an NES advantage or an nes
max put that other [ __ ] controller
away press that turbo button and never
let go
so I beat the stage though each stage
consists of two or more sections now
we're in the second section and we've
got an overhead view which is equally as
difficult as any of the rest
actually I think they're worse because
you don't know what's supposed to be
underneath you or blocking you I'm
assuming I can't touch these wooden
parts oh now I'm probably [ __ ] oh
never mind I guess I can go through
those see the graphics are so unclear as
to what you're allowed to touch and what
you're not you don't know what the
hazards are look at that that's not fair
I couldn't see that tiny bullet coming
through the trees
it's like camouflaged and the way those
waves move it's just like a bunch of
flickering blue lines it plays with your
eyes and [ __ ] you all up what a cruel
game I give up I'm trying another stage
Firelord
all right another overhead ah [ __ ] I
can't believe this you can't touch the
ground that means that you have to stay
in the brown area which pretty much
limits you to about 20 percent of the
screen this is ridiculous just staying
within this narrow range it's like
playing the game operation but with a
bunch of [ __ ] flying around trying to
kill you
you have such a tight space to maneuver
if you want to kill these things come on
come on
ah let's try again come on come on oh if
only his board wasn't so goddamn long or
if you can go diagonally like if you can
go at an angle but you're always
pointing straight which makes it
impossible as squeeze through narrow
spots like this you know it's so easy to
die in this game and every time you die
you have to see this this sad pathetic
image of Silver Surfer just trembling in
defeat if you play this game this image
will be burned in your retina and how
appropriate because this picture
expresses better than words my feelings
on this game just look at it that sums
up the whole thing what I say before
this game's not bad well no it isn't bad
it's [ __ ] horrible and I dare you to
play it just because it's hard doesn't
mean it's bad but this game just went
way way too far the difficulty is
legendary this is the grand champion of
hard [ __ ] games
it doesn't [ __ ] around why couldn't
there be a health bar like three hits
would that be ok no one [ __ ] hit
you're dead well then couldn't you have
extra lives what you do but they don't
matter because when you die you start
back from the beginning of the stage
there's some checkpoints along the way
yeah but that doesn't change the fact
that when you die you go back
compare that to contra or super seat you
can hit once and you're dead
but you get to continue where you left
off you don't have to start at the
beginning this stage unless you lost all
your lives if that happened even your
thirty LiveCode wouldn't help much
Silver Surfer on the other hand just
says [ __ ] all that if you're gonna play
you got to be hardcore so now we're in
fire Lords section to watch the fire oh
[ __ ] [ __ ] Jack O'Lanterns
let's try again dodge the fire stay up
and watch the Jack O'Lantern so I better
watch that thing oh god I got to go down
oh [ __ ] your mother fires coming down
got that part under control watch the
jack-o'-lanterns [ __ ] touch the damn
ceiling fires coming down Jaclyn's Oh
ass alright this time trying to shoot
those [ __ ] Jaclyn's stay back back
back up Oh God
alright getting into place watch the
walls oh you [ __ ] pumpkin piece of
[ __ ] okay this time stay at the top
don't get hit don't get hit get under
that thing here we go yeah yes yes yes
no I can't take it anymore you know this
is really the point of going on it's not
like there's a reward like there's a pot
of gold sitting on top of the TV you
know if you beat the game it probably
just says the end and that's it
so to keep playing it you got to be a
[ __ ] nerd
I've gotta watch out for these statues
puking lava God another [ __ ]
pumpkin so many obstacles its unbelief I
can't touch that red pot alright that's
where I give up
let's try another stage I figure I gotta
be able to beat at least one of them now
this is really a [ __ ] I mean all these
ghouls coming at me
they got bats jack-o'-lanterns and now
ghosts it's like another kindergarten
Halloween game they should have just
called it whatever this is just insane I
mean look at all this oh my god so much
[ __ ] so much [ __ ] here we go oh yeah oh
god
punch the log you [ __ ] ghost you
[ __ ] [ __ ] pieces of [ __ ]
gosh can I hate those gargoyles [ __ ] all
over the place I hate it I just [ __ ]
here look at this this pattern is just
insane it's basically just a bunch of
lines wavin across the screen if you go
anywhere near those paths you're dead
once again let's try another stage
possessor well it's not any easier and
especially when I'm losing my patience
look at this there's so much stuff
coming at you bullets are flying
everywhere
ah that's pauses just look look any of
these areas are dead zones you have
stuff coming at you every which way
which means there's not one safe spot
because you need to keep moving forward
so you're in dangers way all the time
you just have to play the [ __ ] out of it
until you know in advance exactly what's
gonna happen unless you've played this
game you have no idea how hard it is let
me try to explain okay imagine if I were
to draw a maze on a sheet of paper I'm
asking you to draw a line from the
beginning of this maze to the end
you can't run into any dead ends and you
can't touch any of the lines now while
you're trying to do this I'm moving the
maze to the left it would drive you
[ __ ] nuts and if that's a bit too
theoretical to accept then let me
explain it this way imagine playing Mega
Man 2 imagine you have no health bar
imagine if you can hit one single
[ __ ] time you're dead and is that
fair it's challenging yes but it's not
to say that unless you're a hardcore
expert you're gonna take a few hits
sooner or later
now I'm not done imagine on top of that
multiply the number of enemies on the
screen and give them
more hitpoints imagine if you were
playing Zelda and you weren't allowed to
get hit once or touch any of the walls
or blocks I mean this game just puked
snot up my ass and it's like you touch
the top of the building you die you
touch the ceiling you die touch the
floor you die too farther right you die
too far left you die you die you die you
die die die die die die die die die die
die die die oh god I can't [ __ ] stand
it one last scale each one I'm sure it's
no exception to the difficulty here's
trying to avoid this stuff that's coming
sideways and then this gun appears at
the top of the screen with no warning
and shoots in three directions instant
death if you try to blast it away as
soon as it appears you just end up
getting yourself killed too because you
need to be in the line of fire in order
to shoot at it sometimes you come to
like a blockade of enemies just a flood
of bullets coming down the whole screen
it's just one big dead zone if you're in
that area you're simply dead so [ __ ] it
I can't complete a single stage this
game is so hard it would actually be
easier to go outside in a thunderstorm
and try to dodge rain it'll be easier to
walk barefoot
without your toes or heels touching the
floor it would be easier to pick fly
[ __ ] out of pepper while wearing boxing
gloves the fact that you can get hit
only once
pretty much means that you're weaker
than every other enemy in the game how
do you die from just touching a wall I
can understand if he's flying it like
200 miles per hour and he crashes into
the wall but the fact that he just
touches the wall and dies is this
ridiculous I never read in the comics so
I don't know what silver surfers powers
are but isn't he supposed to be pretty
strong so why'd they make him into a
wimp
why is he [ __ ] up rubber ducks and
weeping like a crybaby it's like some
sort of [ __ ] joke like what if they
had Bruce Lee tripping over his own
shoelaces
it's a [ __ ] insult this game should
have been classic but instead it's
worthless it's as worthless as this
[ __ ] LJN poster I had back here man I
would just piss and [ __ ] all over this
[ __ ] game
back just thinking about it makes me
feel like having an anal evacuation
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