YESTERDAY, WE LEARNED THAT IN JANUARY, BLACKWATER FOUNDER AND
HIGH SCHOOL FOOTBALL CAPTAIN WHO "DEFINITELY WASN'T THERE!"
ERIK PRINCE SET UP A SECRET MEETING TO "ESTABLISH A BACK
CHANNEL BETWEEN TRUMP AND MOSCOW."
WHY DOES DONALD TRUMP NEED A BACK CHANNEL TO MOSCOW?
IF HE WANTS TO COMMUNICATE WITH PUTIN, JUST EMAIL THE D.N.C. OR
MAYBE A LITTLE PILLOW TALK WITH MICHAEL FLYNN.
NOW, I KNOW WHAT YOU'RE SAYING: "A TRUMP ASSOCIATE MEETING IN
SECRET WITH RUSSIANS?
AM I WATCHING A RERUN?" NOPE.
AND I'LL PROVE IT.
CONGRATULATIONS, NORTH CAROLINA!
( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ) APPARENTLY, THE UNITED ARAB
EMIRATES ARRANGED A SECRET MEETING IN JANUARY BETWEEN
ERIK PRINCE AND A RUSSIAN CLOSE TO PRESIDENT VLADIMIR PUTIN IN
THE SEYCHELLES ISLANDS IN THE INDIAN OCEAN.
IT'S THE PERFECT LOCATION.
GOVERNMENT OFFICIALS IN THE SEYCHELLES SAY THE ISLANDS ARE
IDEAL FOR CLANDESTINE GATHERINGS BECAUSE "ITS THE KIND OF PLACE
WHERE YOU CAN HAVE A GOOD TIME AWAY FROM THE EYES OF THE MEDIA.
THAT'S EVEN PRINTED IN OUR TOURISM MARKETING."
( LAUGHTER ) ( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE )
THIS IS TRUE.
IT'S TRUE.
>> Jon: WOW, THEY PUT IT IN THE BOOK.
>> Stephen: IT'S RIGHT THERE IN THEIR SLOGAN:
"THE SEYCHELLES: COME FOR THE SUNSHINE, STAY FOR THE TREASON."
I GOTTA SAY.
I WOULD LOVE TO GO.
AT THIS POINT-.
( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ) I GOTTA SAY, IF YOU'RE GOING TO
PLAY FOOTSIE WITH PUTIN, THIS IS DOING IT RIGHT: A TROPICAL
LOCATION, A SHADOWY RUSSIAN OPERATIVE, A SECRET ARMY NAMED
BLACKWATER!
THEY'VE EVEN GIVEN THE MEETING A COOL NAME, "THE SEYCHELLES ENCOUNTER."
ERIK PRINCE WILL BE BACK IN "THE SEYCHELLES ENCOUNTER."
♪ ♪ ♪ ( APPLAUSE )
POW!
( LAUGHTER ) MICHAEL FLYNN MUST BE SO JEALOUS
RIGHT NOW.
ALL HE DID WAS MEET WITH IN AN OFFICE BUILDING WITH AMBASSADOR
CHUNKS.
( LAUGHTER ) OH, THERE'S ALSO NEWS FROM THE
FIRST LADY.
OR IN DONALD TRUMP'S CASE, THE THIRD LADY.
SHE'S LOVELY!
YESTERDAY, MELANIA TRUMP-- YESTERDAY, MELANIA TRUMP TWEETED
HER OFFICIAL PORTRAIT.
I GOTTA SAY, SHE LOOKS ABSOLUTELY LOVELY.
SHE'S POISED.
SHE'S CONFIDENT.
I WILL SAY, THE BLACK IS A LITTLE SEVERE.
SHE LOOKS LIKE THE HEAD MISTRESS OF A SCHOOL FOR TEENAGE WITCHES.
"HOCUS FLOTUS," COMING THIS FALL TO THE CW!
SAVED BY THE SPELL!
I DIDN'T SEE THE SUBTITLE.
ONE OTHER THING WORTH NOTING-- CHECK OUT THAT BLING!
THAT'S THE KIND OF RING THAT YOU ONLY GET WHEN YOUR HUSBAND HAS
DONE SOMETHING UNSPEAKABLE.
( LAUGHTER ) HONEY, "HONEY, I WAS JUST ON A
BUS WITH BILLY BUSH.
YOU'LL UNDERSTAND LATER."
NOW, PEOPLE SAY THIS PORTRAIT LOOKS PHOTOSHOPPED, BUT I SAY SO
WHAT?
WE ALL WANT TO LOOK NICE.
ALL THE FIRST LADIES' PORTRAITS HAVE BEEN AIRBRUSHED.
JUST LOOK AT ELEANOR ROOSEVELT'S PORTRAIT?
INCREDIBLE, AMAZING.
AOF AMAZING.
HEY, ANYBODY EVER GO IN THE ENVIRONMENT, EVER.
( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ) DO YOU OCCASIONALLY GO OUT OF
DOORS?
>> Jon: I LOVE THE ENVIRONMENT!
>> Stephen: I'M SOMETHING OF AN OUTDOORSMAN, IN THAT I
OCCASIONALLY GO OUT OF DOORS.
I WOULDN'T RECOMMEND IT IN THE NEAR FUTURE ABUSE DONALD TRUMP
IS SLASHING THE E.P.A.'S BUDGET.
BUT HEAD OF THE E.P.A. AND GUY WHO CALLS PANTS "SLACKS," SCOTT
PRUITT, DOESN'T SEE THESE CUTS AS BAD FOR THE ENVIRONMENT.
THEY'RE GOOD FOR STATES.
>> YOU KNOW, WE HAVE STATE DEPARTMENTS OF ENVIRONMENTAL
QUALITY ACROSS THE COUNTRY THAT HAVE THE RESOURCES AND THE
EXPERTISE TO DEAL WITH CLEAN WATER AND CLEAN AIR ISSUES.
>> Stephen: SCOTT, YOU CAN'T LEAVE ENVIRONMENTAL ISSUES
UP TO THE STATES.
AS SOMEONE WHO WORKS NEXT TO NEW JERSEY, I CAN TELL YOU, AIR
TRAVELS.
IT'S GOT A FAST PASS.
IS THAT TRUE?
THAT'S TRUE.
I'M BEING TOLD THAT'S RIGHT.
BUT EVEN THE MOST NOXIOUS CLOUD HAS A SILVER LINING BECAUSE
YESTERDAY, DURING HIS AFTERNOON PRESS CONFERENCE,
SEAN SPICER REVEALED DONALD TRUMP IS DONATING HIS ENTIRE
FIRST QUARTER SALARY TO THE NATIONAL PARKS SERVICE.
IT IS A NICE CHANGE OF PACE TO SEE TRUMP PAY THE SETTLEMENT
MONEY BEFORE THE SCREWING.
( LAUGHTER ) TRUMP HAD ALREADY TOLD US HE WAS
GOING TO DONATE HIS SALARY, BUT I DON'T THINK ANY OF US KNEW IT
WOULD HAPPEN LIKE THIS.
>> SO, IT IS MY PLEASURE, ON BEHALF OF THE PRESIDENT OF THE
UNITED STATES, TO PRESENT A CHECK FOR $78,333 TO THE
SECRETARY OF THE INTERIOR RYAN ZINKE, AND SUPERINTENDENT
OF THE HARPER'S FERRY PARK SITE, SUPERINTENDENT BRANDYBURG.
>> Stephen: WHAT HAS HAPPENED TO SEAN SPICER?
JIM, CAN WE PUT THAT UP?
LOOK HOW TINY HE IS.
DID THEY LEAVE HIM IN THE DRYER TOO LONG?
THIS JOB IS REALLY GRINDING HIM DOWN, STARTING FROM THE SHINS
UP, I THINK.
NOW, THE CHECK WAS FOR $78,333.
WHICH SOUNDS LIKE A LARGE DONATION, UNTIL YOU CONSIDER
THAT TRUMP'S PROPOSED BUDGET WOULD CUT THE NATIONAL PARKS
SERVICE BY $1.5 BILLION.
THAT BUDGET CUT EXPLAINS THE LOOK ON THE FACE OF BLACK JEFF
GOLDBLUM.
( LAUGHTER ) ( APPLAUSE )
A LITTLE BIT!
THAT... MMM.
MMM.
THAT'S THE OFFICIAL FACE OF MEETING SEAN SPICER.
HE LOOKS LIKE HE THINKS THAT CHECK IS GOING TO BOUNCE.
YOU GOT TWO FORMS OF I.D. BEFORE I SIGN THIS THING?
NOW, THIS IS TRUE.
WE DID THE MATH BEFORE I CAME OUT HERE.
$78,000 SOUNDS LIKE A LOT OF MONEY.
$78,000 IS 5/1000 OF 1% OF WHAT TRUMP IS CUTTING FROM THE PARK
SERVICE, WHICH EXPLAINS THEIR NEW P.S.A.
>> HEY, KIDS, SMOLDER THE BEAR HERE SAYING ONLY YOU CAN PREVENT
FOREST FIRES.
BUT YOU CAN ALSO START THEM, BECAUSE WE NEED TO BURN THESE
PARKS DOWN FOR THE INSURANCE MONEY!
>> Stephen: WE HAVE A GREAT SHOW TONIGHT. LOUIS C.K. IS HERE!
STICK AROUND.