Hi, I'm Nicholeen Peck and I teach about parenting, good communication and self-government
all over the world and in this video I'm talking about how to fix my lack of patience.
Most people want to be patient but sometimes they are just acutely aware of the fact that they
don't have that much patience. In this video I'm going to be talking about a true story about my
husband and his lack of patience and what you can do to fix your lack of patience. When a person is
patient, they are powerful. They can wait. In fact the acclaimed Prime Minister of Britain,
William Pitt, was asked one time what made him such a great prime minister. The interviewer said
was it your toil, is it your wisdom and he said no, it's my habit of patience. He had created a
habit of patience, he was willing to wait for it. In our day and age, people don't like to wait for
anything, they don't like to wait for the stop lights, they don't like to wait to have to pay the
person inside the gas station for their petrol, they don't like to wait for the checker to run
their groceries at the store because they can do it faster. They don't like to wait for anything.
We live in a fast-paced society and that has its pros and its cons but one of the biggest cons is
people have impatience and when they lack patience with other people, it damages relationships
and they know that. They don't know how to stop it, they want things to happen right then. Some
people have anxieties and so that leads to a lack of patience. Some people have bad time
management that leads to a lack of patience and some people have a tendency to over stress
which means they're over processing, this can lead to a lack of patience. I could go on and on. There's
so many different reasons why people lack patience but the majority of them know that they lack
it. There might be the few odd ducks that think everything's fine being stressed out all the time
but it's really not fine and it's not normal and most people know that and they don't want to be
stuck in that because when you lack patience, you feel like you're emotionally bound up all the time.
One thing that people don't understand is how their brain works. If people understood how their
brain works that could help them understand how to increase their patients. So how does your brain
work? Well your brain does all of its logical processing in the front. In the midbrain, that
amygdala section, this is where it does all of your emotional processing and then back brain, they
often call that the fight-or-flight part. This is when you are just like gone emotionally. You cannot
think straight, whatsoever and what happens is you start front brain in almost every interaction
unless you are higher anxiety in general but you usually start front brain and then over time in an
interaction, you work your way back but what people don't know is that if they know they're going
into back brain, they can tell their brain stop, go forward, go forward. They can instruct their brains,
people don't even know they can do that. They feel like they're just trapped going back again and
again that they have to give into that craving or that impulse for that lack of patience but
they don't have to. They can say go front brain, go front. Stop, stop. Here's the problem too, our current
society is engaging in teaching entitlement especially when it comes to emotions. We are
telling people well if you feel something, you've got to express it. Well this does not help a person
with a lack of patience because then they have to express their lack of patience on everybody all
the time and that just hurts them and everybody else because then they're emotionally vomiting on
everyone all the time and so everyone has to clean up emotional vomit, they end up disconnected their
relationships end up damaged. My husband has had a hard time with patients his whole life but he has
made incredible strides and I'm going to talk about what he has done to improve his patience
but before I do, click the subscribe button now. This channel is dedicated to helping free people
from emotional bondage by teaching them the skills and principles that they need for self-government.
There is so much on this channel that you can use to free yourself and others from lack of patience,
anger, manipulation, disconnection, lack of calmness, all of those things so click subscribe now and
don't forget that notification bell. Right before I married my husband, we're talking a couple of
days before, the wedding's planned like there's practically no going back. I mean you could but
it's like no, we're doing this. He says to me you should know something. I don't have very
much patience and for a lot of years I've been praying for patience and I was like oh what
does that mean? I'm like well you seem fine and patient to me and he's like no, I really don't
have a lot of patience. He has higher levels of anxiety, that's what he was telling me. He likes
things perfect, he likes things just so and I did know that there was a few things that he
expressed like that like he would clean his car to a fault. There were some OCD's that he had
and he sometimes gets very proud about his OCD's. Anyway this is just his personality,
he is a very high strung, type A, get things done type of a person and he was very productive, very
hard working because of that. He built incredible businesses because of that but he was warning me
and he's like I'm trying. I'm making progress but I'm trying. He knew it was a problem and he
actually felt guilty going into a relationship not disclosing his lack of patience. I thought
that showed a lot of honor, a lot of integrity you know so I said okay well I'll help you because I
have quite a bit of patience. Well I thought I had a lot of patience but I did not actually
have as much patience as I thought I had. I got into it with him a few times. Well I mean
we've been married a long time now, I've gotten into it with him a few times but mostly not.
Mostly I taught him the skills that he needed but we implemented a few things that made a really big
difference. So one thing was having talk times at a time when there's no emotions going on. So once a
week we had a couple's meeting where we would get together and we would talk about what we wanted to
accomplish in our relationship or things that we saw that needed to be fixed in our relationship
and we would make plans for how we could help each other with the problems that we saw. This
is important. These couples meetings had a lasting impact on our success as a couple and I've noticed
that when my husband got more selfish and less patient, he would not want to have the meetings
because he didn't want to address the stuff and then he would realize
okay, okay we got to have the meetings, we've got to connect, we've got to talk about things. Having
those times when it was not an emotional time, number one. So pre-teaching, preparing the person,
preparing yourself for what you need. Another thing that was huge as we started doing treatment foster
care. Now you may wonder how in the world that could be helpful for my husband but it absolutely
was. For years we took in treatment foster children, they were all between the ages of 12 and 18. This
was at the time that we were raising our own four children at the same time. So we had many, many
troubled teens come through our home for therapy. In order to be a therapeutic treatment care parent,
you have to have high level training. So we went through a lot of training in order to do this and
he learned so many things and suddenly it wasn't just me telling him those things but it was other
people teaching him skills and things that he needed for success and he logically bought into
them. We went through lots and lots of training, he realized it was important. Now here came the
time where the foster children are coming to our home, they have some serious issues that they're
dealing with and was he always patient every time? No but he was prepared for patience and so this
was beautiful. He knew the words to say, he knew the words that they knew and that they were going to
be taught. We taught them four basic skills, five teaching styles, three meetings, how to do problem
solving. We taught them key things that they would need to develop that prefrontal cortex because
they needed help too with patience and anxiety and stuff. I was teaching all of these things
to them, he knew they had been taught those things, he was following through the best he could but he
also knew if there came a point where he could not keep that calm face, voice and body which we had
taught them to have and we which we had told them we would have, that he needed to look at me and be
like I gotta go or he would just say to them mom's gonna finish the rest of this interaction because
there's something I gotta do and he would go to the room and try to get calm and I would finish
his interaction and I just helped him with that. No judgment. In fact if anything I was proud
of him for recognizing that he needed to calm down. What did we have in place? We had meetings,
we had open communication at a time when there was no emotions. This is huge. We also had skills
that we could use and back up. The worst thing you could do is be a person with low patience
and high pride. If you think that nobody else can help you at a moment of low patience, you're
setting yourself up for disaster. Luckily my husband recognized that in those moments he
could pull himself away and that I could take over and it would be a seamless transition and
that then the parenting would happen and he could go compose himself and get ready for the next
interaction or the next thing he needed to deal with with the children. He did amazing, he changed.
He literally became a more deliberate man because that's the thing with patience is your emotions
take over and you're not deliberate anymore. You become reactive instead of proactive. We did so
much upfront work that he just totally transformed and then we had these meetings, family meetings and
couples meetings where we would check up on how we were doing as a family and he would
reinvent himself and start his skills again and improve them even more again and again,
that's what it looked like for him and it can look like that for you or your loved one too.
I have a course. It is a course called the calm parenting toolkit, that course is free right now.
If you go to the description below this video, there is a link that says teachselfgov.com/
toolkit. Click on that link now and you will get the calm parenting toolkit for free. It will
give you 10 tools to start your track towards self-government. If you can learn calmness, if
you can learn some of the skills that you need for success then you will be able to master
your patience. You need new words, new thoughts, new ways of seeing things and somebody to hold
you accountable and I would like to help you with that so click on the link to the calm
parenting toolkit now, I will see you there as you begin your self-government journey.