*Fancy music*
"Hooooooly smokes!"
Christopher Columbus!
That is no way to address the King and Queen of Spain! What is wrong with you?"
"Ok. Ok!"
"So you know how we're looking for a new trade route to India, right?" "Right"
"And the earth is round, right?" "Right."
"So I'm thinking we can just sail the oooother way around the planet, right?" "Yeah?"
"So I set sail, right?"
"Mhm?"
"And I reach India, right?"
"Righ-" "Wrong!"
"W R O N G!"
"I did NOT reach India."
"I did NOT!"
"Alright-" "NO"
"Alright, get to the point."
"DID YOU KNOW"
"There's a whole another freaking continent out there!"
"Okay. And do you think I should care about this, why??
"Oh, I'm sorry. Did I forget to mention? There's GOLD EVERYWHERE!"
"Gold?"
AAHHHHH!
Columbus landed in Central America in October 1492
and he had the time of his life.
And by that, I mean, he went on a huge theft and murder spree.
He stole gold, jewelry, people, and a hammock.
And then he returned to show off all of his riches,
Including a few previously undiscovered items, such as tobacco, the pineapple, turkeys, and a hammock.
Now I know what you're thinking.
"But OverSimplified, Columbus didn't discover America, the Vikings did!"
And you'd be partially right.
In the 11th century, Leif Erikson was the first European to land in America.
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Now, where was I?
Oh, yeah.
Columbus, time of his life,
hammock.
And suddenly the race was on to explore and conquer the New World.
After a couple centuries of warring with the natives and each other,
the European powers had claimed quite a lot of land,
including this area which both the English and the French claimed is theirs.
One day, the French said, "I'm gonna build some forts along here."
And the English were like, "Could you not?"
And the French said, "Sorry."
"But no, I could not not."
And they went ahead and built their forts,
which pissed off the English.
So they sent an upcoming British lieutenant-colonel by the name of George Washington,
with a combined force of British troops and Native Americans.
After a short battle, the French commander said,
"Alright, alright, we surrender."
"Ok, boys. Pack it up. They're surrenderi-"
*slice*
"Oh, sorry. Was I NOT meant to split his head open with a Tomahawk?"
"Ah, don't worry. It's not like this will start a seven-year long major global conflict."
And what happened next was a 7-year long major global conflict
which Great Britain won! (football's coming home plays)
At the peace negotiations, Spain gave up Florida,
while France gave up all of its territories in North America.
But Britain's victory came at a cost.
A £60 MILLION cost.
They were now broke, in a lot of debt, and had to come up with some way to repay it.
So they went to the Colonies and said, "Okay listen up."
"So a huge part of the war was spent protecting you from the French.
"And now we have no money because of it."
So...
"I'm not sure what you're saying here."
"Okay. So, we spent a lot of money protecting you from the French, right?"
"Right." "And now we're broke."
*subtle silence*
"That certainly is a pickle." "LISTEN TO ME."
"We spent all of our money protecting YOU, and now we need money."
"Can you please pay us back some money?"
"No."
"Okay, we're just going to go ahead and tax you."
In 1764, Britain introduced the Sugar Act,
forcing the colonists to import sugar and molasses exclusively from the British, and to pay duties on them.
Then, a year later, they introduced the extremely controversial Stamp Act, and it worked a little something like this:
"Hello shopkeep."
"Hello, Mr. Bungleberry."
"Here's the deed for your new shack."
"STAMP."
"That'll be three pence, please."
"Wait. What was that?"
"It's the new tax. I get a stamp on any paper or documentation I make, and you have to pay for it."
"Would you like to see this pamphlet that explains everything?"
"Yes, please."
"Okay. Stamp. 2 pence, please."
"This is awful!"
"You know what? Just give me a deck of cards so I can go gamble my pain away."
"OK."
"No.."
"Don't do it."
"Stamp."
Obviously the colonists were like "Hey my dudes, this new tax legislation right here,
This is *BS*"
Until now they had enjoyed relative freedom to rule themselves,
And now suddenly Britain was asserting its control.
They were especially unhappy because they didn't have any representatives in the Parliament that was levying taxes on them.
So they protested.
Orators gave fiery speeches.
British goods were boycotted and anyone loyal to the British found themselves increasingly harassed.
The whole thing actually began to take quite a toll on British business and after just a couple years the British were forced to repeal the Stamp Act.
"But we still desperately need money. What should we do?"
"We could try taxing the colonies."
"GREAT IDEA!!!"
"Wait, didn't we literally just try that, and it failed miserably?"
"Man, look at me. I look fabulous.
*georgy, dont get frisky*
Have you ever seen such a handsome boy? No siree, Georgie. No way
You're the handsomest, smartest, most popular King that ever lived and everybody likes you.
You're doing such a good job."
"Uh, Your Majesty ?"
"Oh, you're still here."
"Get the hell out."
So in 1766 the British made a declaration saying "We can do what we want, because we're in charge and you can all go suck it"
Then they levied a whole bunch of new taxes on the Americans via import duties.
Glass? There's a tax for that. Lead? There's a tax for that.
Paper? Tea? Oil?
There's a tax for that.
And once again The Americans boycotted British goods,
British business felt the pinch, and the British had to back down.
"Alright, this is ridiculous. They're my colonies and I have to be able to assert my control.
Repeal all the new taxes except for the one on tea. Also send 1,000 troops to Boston to take control."
"Oh and make the colonists pay for them."
And as British troops arrived, the tension in Boston is palpable, you could cut it with a knife.
And it was all about to come to a head.
On March 5th, a band of local Patriots began heckling a British guard at the Customs House.
More and more Americans joined in the heckling,
While more British troops turned up in support of their comrade.
Snowballs were thrown at the British.
The snowballs turned to rocks.
The rocks to oyster shells.
The soldiers, outnumbered.
Panicked, one thing leads to another and you can see where this is going.
*Gunshots*
five civilians were killed. The Patriot pressed throughout the colonies declared the Boston Massacre an
unwarranted crime committed against the people of Boston, by the cruel British.
And the anger continued to grow.
A British revenue schooner that ran aground in Rhode Island is burned by the locals.
When it came to light, that the governor of Massachusetts supported the suppression of the colonists,
his house was burned by the locals.
And next, the colonists would set their sight on the remaining tax on tea.
On December 16th, 1773 a band of patriots known as the Sons of Liberty
Disguised themselves as Native Americans, marched down to Boston Harbor.
Boarded a British merchant ship loaded with tea.
And in front of thousand spectators, threw nearly 10,000 pounds worth of tea overboard.
The British were disgusted, and they punished Massachusetts with a vengeance.
They dissolved its General Assembly, revoked their charter, and sent 3,000 more troops to occupy the city.
Meaning Boston and Massachusetts were now essentially under the direct rule of Great Britain.
And oh boy were the people pissed.
The other colonies saw what was happening, and worried they might be next.
So they called a brain trust to decide what to do.
Fifty-six delegates from 12 colonies gathered and met in Philadelphia at the First Continental Congress.
And the roll call read like a who's who of America's finest thinkers
I'm talking lawyers extraordinaire: Johnny A and Johnny Jay,
Experienced military commander; George Washington
Businessman and future alcoholic beverage; Samuel Adams.
Fiery Orator; Patty H
Guy who married a rich lady; (BIG) J Dickinson.
And while they weren't present at the first Congress,
Soon name like James Madison, Benjamin Franklin, Thomas Jefferson and much later...
Alexander Hamilton would all serve time in the Continental Congress.
The question now though, was what to do about the British.
After much bitter debate and disagreement,
they eventually agreed on an amazing solution.
They would simply ask the British to stop.
"Can you stop?"
"No."
"It didn't work."
"OK, then tell the local militias to start arming and be ready at a minutes notice."
And across the colonies, these Minutemen stood ready for the beginning of the American Revolutionary War.
Now having your colonies in open rebellion is one thing.
Once they start arming themselves, that's when it really hits the fan.
So British General Thomas Gage ordered 700 troops from Boston out into the rebel controlled
Massachusetts countryside, to destroy stores of arms and ammunition held by the rebels in Concord.
The British set up in the middle of the night.
Patriots including Paul Revere rode ahead to warn that the British were coming, giving the rebels time to prepare.
The two sides met in Lexington as the Sun began to rise.
They faced off against each other, and in the confusion somebody shot first.
*Gunshots*
The shot heard around the world marked the beginning of the American War of Independence.
The rebels were outnumbered and had to fall back to Concord,
as the British slit up to search for rebel supplies.
However, more and more Patriot rebels kept showing up,
and this time it was the British who outnumbered, as more fighting kicked off in Concord.
The most professional army in the world was forced to flee back to Boston at the hands of local, poorly trained militiamen.
And all along the British route back to Boston, patriot rebels continued to gather an open fire on the retreating British.
When the British reached Boston, the rebel militias surrounded them.
Boston and the British were now under siege, as small landed naval skirmishes continued around the city.
And the British would suffer another embarrassing blow.
This time in upstate New York,
Colonel Benedict Arnold concocted a plan to take the British stronghold, Fort Ticonderoga.
Which held a large amount of guns and ammunition, he set off towards the fort alone.
Hoping to recruit men along the way, when he came across the Green Mountain Boys,
lead by Ethan Allen.
Who as it turned out, had the exact same plan he did.
So they decided to work together...
But I'm in charge. No, I'm in charge. No, I'm in charge
No, I'm in charge. No, I'm in charge. No, I'm in charge. No, I'm in charge
This went on for some time, until the Green Mountain Boys threatened to go home and, Arnold had to concede.
The group raided the fort at night, while the Redcoats were asleep.
And they caught them completely by surprise, taking the fort and all of its munitions with almost no resistance.
"Wow, great job Ethan, very impressive. By the way. What happened to that other guy we sent to take the fort?"
"Who?"
"Benedict Arnold."
"Never heard of him."
"ouch."
...
"What.
"What. The.
"What. The. Fu-"
Nobody knew what was going on.
The colonies were an open rebellion, and for now they even seem to be winning
So King George fired general Gage,
replaced him with General William Howe,
and ordered their rebellion to be put down immediately.
"Okay, the British are definitely going to retaliate for all of this.
So we should probably put together a proper army.
First we need to pick a Commander-in-Chief,
and I think we can all agree that that job should go to the man,
the myth,
the legend...
George Washington."
"My friends, I am humbled and honored that you would consider me for such an important role.
I did not expect for this-"
"All right, you've been showing up in a military uniform every day for the last 10 months.
We all know you wanted this, so cut the crap George"
"Dude...
Uncool."
So Washington began his journey up to Boston to take command of the newly established Continental Army,
just as British made their first major attempts to break the siege.
They made plans to take the high ground on Bunker Hill,
but spies warned the continentals of the British plans.
So they fortified Bunker Hill, and set up defensive positions on nearby breeds Hill.
The day of the battle came.
And as the British advanced, a barrage of continental gunfire was opened up on them.
Twice they tried to climb the hill, twice they were pushed back.
The battle lasted three hours until the Continentals finally ran out of ammunition and had to retreat.
Allowing the British to take the hill.
While technically a British victory, they suffered nearly 1,000 casualties to the Continental's 400.
The colonists show the British that this wasn't just a rebellion.
It was war, and they were ready for it.
BUT,
One thing they weren't sure about, was why they were fighting.
Well some radicals were starting to throw around the 'i' word,
most hope to eventually repair their relationship with Great Britain.
So they sent a letter to King George saying: "Hey man, looks like things aren't going your way.
Remove the taxes and let's be friends?"
"I'm
"I'm gonna
"I'm gonna kick
"I'm gonna kick your
"I'm gonna kick your ass!"
"Send that to the colonies."
"Your majesty, your handwriting is terrible. Are you sure?"
"JUST DO IT!"
"What does it say?"
"He's gonna...
lick my..."
"Gross."
So for the remainder of the year small engagements continued to occur around the colony.
The British burned down the towns of Falmouth, Massachusetts and Norfolk, Virginia
As revenge for earlier anti-British incidents.
These actions played right into the hands of Patriot propaganda
Overseas, the British were seen as brutes, and the French and Spanish would soon begin sending supplies to the rebel cause
During this time
There was also minor fighting going on between patriot and loyalist militias in the southern colony.
Benedict Arnold was still on a mission to win some personal glory for himself
So he headed up an attempt to invade Canada in a two-pronged attack.
The Continentals managed to capture some British forts and the city of Montreal.
But a harsh snowstorm with some smallpox on the side saw them defeated
and pushed back at Quebec City.
And they were forced to retreat all the way to Fort Ticonderoga.
Speaking of which, remember all those guns and ammunition?
Well, this guy's got a plan for what to do with them.
He uses oxen to drag a hundred and 120,000 pounds of artillery,
for two months through the harsh winter.
300 miles all the way to Washington and his Continental Army surrounding Boston.
BOOM!
Washington's got himself some big guns.
Which is fortunate, because up until now his army had been suffering through the cold winter,
not knowing when the siege would end.
Now they could make him move.
Washington wanted to launch a full assault on the city.
But his junior officers felt the British were too fortified, and to his credit
Washington was great at hearing and taking on board the ideas of others.
Instead, the continentals worked through the night setting the guns up on Dorchester Heights
overlooking the city.
And when Dawn Broke, and the British saw the guns,
they knew they were toast, their positions were completely exposed.
It was checkmate.
They had no choice but to abandon the city
120 ships carried 9,000 redcoats, and 2,000 loyalist, away to an unknown fate.
Washington had his first victory, of the war.
Washington then moved his army to New York.
Knowing that when the British returned, they would probably land there.
in the meantime a friendly looking old man by the name of Thomas Paine
Had written and published a pamphlet called 'Common Sense'
In which he advocated for total independence from Great Britain.
It spread across the colonies like wildfire.
Until this day remains the best-selling title in America
It was read aloud in taverns and meeting halls, and brought the idea of Independence into the mainstream
Congress began to seriously consider the idea.
Thomas Jefferson was selected to write up an official declaration of independence.
And he went hard, writing that: 'All men are created equal, with certain inalienable rights."
Of course Jefferson had over a hundred slaves
but we don't have to talk about that.
The 2nd of July, congress voted unanimously in favor of independence.
And Johns Adams declared that the 2nd of July would go down as
the most remembered day in American history.
Then a couple days later, independence actually came into effect.
The United States of America was born.
There was no turning back now.
The Americans tore down a statue of King George in New York.
And melted him down into 42,000 musket balls.
To the British, it was treason.
and if the King had his way Washington and all of Congress would be hung.
Speaking of the British...
Guess who's back?
The king sent an intimidating force of 130 warships and 25,000 men to New York.
Washington knew that taking on the most powerful military in the world wouldn't be easy.
The British set up camp on Staten Island.
As the Americans dug into defensive positions around Brooklyn Heights.
Waiting for an attack to come.
But the British just...
waited...
Wearing down their opponents nerve, while building their own strength.
At one point, they launched a big scary artillery barrage and then said:
"You know if I was you right now, I'd probably sue for peace."
But Washington told him to shove it.
The Americans kept holding out for what was coming,
and when they finally hit they hit hard.
15,000 British troops approached the American position, and the two sides fired on each other in massive rows.
But what the Americans didn't realize, was they were only fighting a decoy
The main British force was going around to flank the Americans from behind.
And when they arrived they inflicted heavy casualties.
the Americans panicked and retreated back to Brooklyn Heights.
Where they then found themselves trapped between the British Army and the river.
It looked as though the war was already lost.
But luckily, instead of attacking, the British decided to dig in for a siege.
And then a thick fog set in, allowing Washington's army to escape across the river unimpeded.
The British continued to chase and engage the Americans at Manhattan.
And the Americans suffered defeat, after defeat, after defeat.
It was a disaster, Washington's leadership was called into question.
As thousands of American POWs were left to rot as traitors.
Washington's army fled through New Jersey.
All the way down to, Pennsylvania
Rarely had an army been so badly beaten yet survived to fight another day.
*music*