>> Stephen: WELCOME BACK, EVERYBODY.
THAT'S IT.
WE MADE IT TO THE END OF ANOTHER WEEK.
LET'S LOOK BACK FONDLY TO A TIME WHEN OUR 401(K)S STILL HAD MONEY
IN THEM.
THIS IS THE BEST OF THIS WEEK'S "THE LATE SHOW."
>> Stephen: IT TURNS OUT AT THE STATE OF THE UNION, TRUMP
WAS PRETTY UPSET THE DEMOCRATS WEREN'T CLAPPING FOR HIM AS MUCH
AS THE REPUBLICANS WERE.
>> HONESTLY, IT WAS BAD ENERGY.
NO, IT WAS BAD ENERGY.
YOU'RE UP THERE.
YOU'VE GOT HALF THE ROOM GOING TOTALLY CRAZY, WILD.
AND YOU HAVE THE OTHER SIDE, EVEN ON POSITIVE NEWS, REALLY
POSITIVE NEWS, LIKE THAT, THEY WERE LIKE DEATH, AND
UN-AMERICAN, UN-AMERICAN.
SOMEBODY SAID TREASONOS.
I MEAN, YEAH, I GUESS WHY NOT?
>> Stephen: YEAH, NOT CLAPPING FOR YOU ISN'T TREASON.
BUT DON'T WORRY, MR. PRESIDENT.
YOU COULD FIND OUT THE EXACT DEFINITION OF TREASON PRETTY
SOON
♪ ♪ ♪ ACCORDING TO SOURCES AT THE
WHITE HOUSE, DONALD TRUMP'S LAWYERS HAVE TELLING HIM TO
REFUSE AN INTERVIEW CAN ROBERT MUELLER BECAUSE THE PRESIDENT,
WHO HAS A HISTORY OF MAKING FALSE STATEMENTS AND
CONTRADICTING HIMSELF, COULD BE CHARGED WITH LYING TO
INVESTIGATORS.
YEAH, IT IS A CRACK LEGAL ANALYSIS FROM THE LAW FIRM OF:
>> Stephen: TRUMP SAYS, YEAH, I DEFINITELY WANT TO TALK TO
MUELLER.
>> SURE, HE DOES.
>> Stephen: I THINK HE WOULD DO A GOOD JOB, AND I THINK HE
SHOULD DO IT.
( LAUGHTER ) ( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE )
>> IF I CAN-- IF I CAN JUST-- IF I-- IF I-- IF I CAN JUST COSINE
ON THAT.
I KNOW I JOKE AROUND A LOT, MR. PRESIDENT.
BUT I ALSO THINK YOU WOULD DO AN EXCELLENT JOB.
AND I, TOO, THINK YOU SHOULD DO IT.
>> Stephen: DID YOU GUYS CATCH THE SUPER BOWL LAST NIGHT?
( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ) >> Stephen: WELL, THEN YOU'RE
BETTER AT CATCHING THINGS THAN TOM BRADY.
IT WAS-- >> Jon: OH!
>> Stephen: IT'S TRUE.
THREE OF THE EAGLES' PLAYERS HAVE ALREADY SAID THEY DON'T
WANT TO GO TO THE WHITE HOUSE.
>> RIGHT.
>> Stephen: THE TRADITIONAL INVITATION WHERE THE PRESIDENT
HAS THE TEAM DOWN AND CONGRATULATES THEM AND
EVERYTHING WITH THE LOLOMBARDI TROPHY.
IF YOU WERE ONE OF THOSE PLAYERS, WOULD YOU GO TO THE
WHITE HOUSE?
>> HONESTLY, I WOULD GO.
I WOULD GO, AND I WOULD SHOW UP WITH MOVING BOXES AND A U-HAUL.
I WOULD BE LIKE...
( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ) LET'S GO!
>> NO, STUPID!
>> Stephen: NOW, THIS ONE SAYS "HAPPY VALENTINE'S DAY, YOU
COMPLETE ME."
ALL RIGHT, IT'S A CLASSIC SENTIMENT, OKAY.
BUT THE FIRST DRAFT SAID, "I NEED ONE OF YOUR KIDNEYS."
( LAUGHTER ) >> ELON MUSK SENT UP HIS OWN
TESLA CONVERTIBLE WITH A DUMMY ASTRONAUT AT THE WHEEL, BLASTING
DAVID BOWIE'S "LIFE ON MARS?" THAT'S RIGHT.
THIS IS STLIEWTLE TRUE-- A GIANT PHALLUS CRANKING ROCK 'N' ROLL
RELEASING A RED CONVERTIBLE INTO WANT DO, VOID.
AND THE AWARD FOR MOST MIDLIFE CRISIS GOES TO ELON MUSK.
>> Stephen: SOMETIMES, SOMETIMES, I CASUALLY SPRINKLE
MY CONVERSATION WITH FOREIGN PHRASES TO MAKE MYSELF LOOK
SOPHISTICATED.
BUT I'M NOT SURE IT ALWAYS TRABAJOS.
( LAUGHTER ).
>> YOU OF WHAT TRUFFLES ARE?
>> THEY'RE MUSHROOMS, RIGHT?
>> YES, VERY EXPENSIVE.
>> Stephen: SEE THAT?
OH, MY GOSH.
>> SMELLS GOOD, THE DOESN'T IT.
>> Stephen: HOW MUCH WOULD THAT COST RIGHT THERE?
>> THIS ONE, PROBABLY 300.
>> Stephen: THIS IS $300.
>> CHEAPER THAN A DIAMOND, FOR SURE.
>> Stephen: WOW-- >> YOU CAN TASTE IT.
YOU'REAB EXPENSIVE CUSTOMER, BUT IT'S OKAY.
( LAUGHTER ).
>> Stephen: I MADE A MISTAKE.
>> Stephen: WE'LL BE RIGHT BACK.