Speaker 1 (00:00): Don't give your X space when they pull away.
Instead, what I want you to do is this, Speaker 1 (00:10):
Okay. So tell me if this sounds a little bit familiar, you're starting to get close with
your X things seem to be going pretty well, but then all of a sudden they start pull back. They
don't respond and engage with you as fully as maybe they used to, or maybe they just stop
talking to you completely. Now, you may have heard elsewhere on the internet
that you should be doing something like the no contact rule in order to basically punish them for
pulling away. However, this isn't what you should probably be doing for a couple of good reasons.
The first reason is that so many times you may hear that people are basically advocating that
you use no contact as your one and only tool, but that's not what you should be doing at all.
Instead, what you should be doing is understanding that there are actually multiple tools that you
have at your disposal when it comes to saving your relationship and restoring that connection.
Speaker 1 (01:06): Um, instead, no contact can actually end
up causing more harm than good. If you're using it incorrectly, no contact can send the message
that when the going gets tough, I give up or I'm not actually prepared. And emotionally stood in
the idea of having a real relationship, which if your ex is actually wanting a real relationship,
can send exactly the wrong message to them. So we wanna be really careful about this.
Instead, what you want to do is you want to get curious about why they are pulling back.
Now, there could be any number of reasons why they could be pulling back. You know, maybe
they're losing interest in you. Maybe they are, um, getting busy at work. Maybe they're confused.
Maybe they're having some sort of personal emergency in their family or something like that.
There could be all sorts of reasons. What we want to understand is that this pulling back that they
are experiencing is what we would call a gap. Speaker 1 (02:02):
Now, a gap is a, a gap in understanding that is to say, this is happening. We don't know why. And so
we are experiencing this unknown quantity, this unknown event, and what's going to happen
is you're going to feel very compelled to try and fill this gap up many times with your own
fears in, um, anxieties, things like that. And this is where a lot of your limiting beliefs
come in that say, oh, they're losing interest. Oh, they're moving on. Oh, they've met someone
else. Uh, I, I'm not good enough. I need to, you know, do whatever I need to chase them. I need to
use no contact. I need to do whatever the case might be. But instead, what we really want to do
is get curious about this gap. That's in front of us. We wanna call it out to them rather than
filling it in with our own stuff, with our own insecurities fears, anxieties, et cetera.
Speaker 1 (02:53): We want to fill in this gap with,
um, curiosity and give our X the opportunity to close the gap for us. So instead, what we wanna
do is call out the gap and basically say, Hey, I've noticed you pulling back. Uh, recently, maybe
it's just in my mind, maybe you're just really busy, but if there's something going on, that's
causing you to feel uncomfortable talking to me, please let me know. I'd be more than happy to give
you space if that's what you need or something to the, that effect. And what this is going to
do is it's going to show them that you have some degree of understanding for what they're going
through and what they might be experiencing. And this gives them the opportunity to actually tell
you what's going on. So you don't have to guess, you don't have to fill in the blanks yourself.
Speaker 1 (03:34): You don't have to try
and piece it together yourself. And this can be a very, very helpful strategy and a very,
very helpful tool for you when you're in this kind of situation. Now, if you're experiencing that,
your X is still not opening up to you, you know, we can imply understanding. We can imply, okay,
well, we've, we've given you the opportunity to come forward and fill in this gap and to help us
understand what's going on. And maybe you haven't done that so we can just
imply okay. And let them know, okay, Hey, it seems like you want a little bit of space. So I'm gonna
go ahead and give that to you. And I'm going to, you know, I would love to, to, to stay in contact
with you and get to know what's going on with you when you feel comfortable talking about it.
Speaker 1 (04:12): So basically we're leaving
the door open for them to come forward and talk to us when they are ready. This is very powerful. And
I'd really recommend that you do this instead of using no contact instead of pulling away, instead
of chasing, instead of all of this stuff, because what we're really doing here is we're creating
the, the balance between the two of you in the interaction so that it, it's not overinvested.
It's not underinvested. You're not, uh, basically sending the wrong messages to them. You're
actually sending the right messages to them, that ready to communicate. You're ready to bond.
You're ready to connect. You're ready to have a great relationship if that is where they are
at. So what I'd like you to do next is actually to go ahead and check out this video series over
here on what we call advanced relational skills. These will help you to connect better with your ex
and to be able to form a stronger emotional bond, much like what we've talked about in this
video. Anyway, thanks so much. Take care. And I'll talk to you next time.