World War 2 destroyed most of Europe, cities were burned to the ground and entire governments
collapsed.
At the end of the war, along with physically rebuilding, the people came together and said:
You know what, we need to figure out a way to stop this from happening again.
Governments were restructured and entire constitutions were rewritten and intergovernmental unions
were formed.
And society reordered what they thought was most important.
Many of the changes that took hold in Europe after the war were also proposed here in the
United States.
Had FDR not died, they might have been implemented.
But unlike Europe, America was relatively untouched by the war, we didn’t need to
rebuild entire cities and when it came to society: We won, why should we have to change
anything?
So we didn’t, America persevered through the war and came out the other side relatively
unchanged, maybe a little more arrogant for being the only country to do so.
Some changes eventually happened, but slowly… over time… and with a lot of push back.
I’m not saying which path towards change after World War 2 was better – whether it
be Europe’s or Americas.
But that is objectively what happened.
I want you to remember this story and those two different approaches as we talk about
personal struggle through adversity.
This video was brought to you by Audible.
Most of what we know about how the world works comes from childhood.
I’m not talking about complicated things like how to do your taxes.
But basic foundational concepts that shape your view of how the world works.
The base, upon which everything else you know is built.
This is called the Assumptive World, and it’s not simple stuff like two plus two equals
four or the sky is blue.
It’s even more fundamental than that.
Like that adults have it all figured out and they know everything – teachers, doctors,
and especially your parents.
When I was a kid, my dad was the smartest person in the world.
Or that true love exists, there’s someone out there for everyone and once you find that
person, your soul mate, everything is easy and works out perfectly.
And that may have been the case for a few of you.
But for the rest of us, that assumption was shattered rather early, we know that you eventually
find someone who fits most of your criteria and you make it work.
If I could offer you just one tip for the future – after wearing sunscreen – it
would be that relationships are work.
I blame Disney for putting that fairy tale notion of love in our heads, and no, I’m
not bitter about anything…
Why would I be bitter?
Apparently, I have a new feminist girlfriend, which is great.
Can’t wait to meet her.
Another basic fundamental concept you learn as a child is that good and evil exist and
are clearly defined.
People are either good or evil, and we assume most people are good.
You also learn the difference between right and wrong, and that every action you take
is either right or wrong.
This doesn’t come from religion – can we not have that discussion right now please?
While we all know things like murder and stealing are wrong, we also have more complex moral
issues to deal with – like lying.
We all know lying is wrong, we’re taught that from the beginning.
Except when someone gives you a present that you don’t really like… then your parents
tell you you’re supposed to lie in order to make the other person feel good.
So instead of good and evil being clearly defined there’s this little gray area in
between.
Then you forget to do your homework because you were too busy playing Podracer on N64,
but of course you’re not going to tell your teacher that, so you say something like you
forgot your math book in your locker.
Or when you’re late for work, you can’t tell your boss it’s because you’re hungover,
so It’s traffic.
So lying is okay if it makes other people feel good or it protects you from getting
in trouble, that little gray area between right and wrong becomes more of a… gradient?
I feel like there’s another word for that but it escapes me right now.
So you’re taking that fundamental concept and building on it as your understanding becomes
more complex.
But the basic foundation is still there.
A similar thing happens to our view of good and evil as we get older, we realize that
people aren’t purely good or purely evil, there’s a gradient.
We still generally classify people as good or evil though.
While we acknowledge there are shades of gray in between, we still have some sort of division
between good and evil.
Where that line is changes from person to person.
If I were to ask you if your friend Devin is good or bad, you’re not going to say
“Well, he’s actually somewhere in the gray, though he tends more towards-“ No,
good or bad.
This understanding comes with another idea, that good things happen to good people and
bad things happen to bad people, this is known as the Just World Hypothesis.
It’s also known by other names like the Just World Fallacy.
This is the belief that people get what they deserve, some people call it karma others
call it divine justice, but you don’t need to be religious to believe this.
Everyone believes in the Just World to some degree.
It’s one of those things that we all know isn’t real and we tell each other it isn’t
real.
But deep down, we still believe it.
We have a number of common phrases that help to reinforce the Just World and even resolve
the cognitive dissonance that occurs when something challenges that belief, like when
something good happens to a bad person.
Oh, what goes around comes around, you reap what you sow, he’ll get his in the end.
It sounds childish I know, but even as adults, many of us still hold onto this idea that
good things happen to good people and bad things happen to bad people.
We all know in the back of our minds that sometimes things cross over, but very very
rarely – and certainly never to us.
Things don’t just happen randomly, so if a bad thing happens to you, you must be bad,
and if a good thing happens to you, you must be good.
Say for example, you win a raffle.
You go up and get your prize, you sit down and say “Wow, I can’t believe I won”
and your friend looks at you and says “Hey man, good for you, you deserve it.”
But… but it was random.
There are numerous studies into the Just World where someone in a group is randomly chosen
to be given a candy bar before a task, and then afterwards the group is asked to rate
each other on likability.
The person who was randomly chosen to be given a candy bar is often rated higher.
Because if something good happened to them, they must be good, they must have done something
to deserve it.
For longtime viewers, this particular aspect is known as the Halo Effect.
There have been other studies using monopoly, where one person started off with much more
money, and they eventually came to believe that they genuinely deserved their advantage.
Even though the game started off unequal, they believed it was fair.
You see this in the real world all the time, rich people are rich because they worked hard
or they must have done something to deserve it.
But this also works in the reverse.
We all accept that sure, sometimes random bad things happen, but we want to fit them
into our Just World Hypothesis.
Even if that means blaming the victim.
We don’t want to believe that random bad things can happen to us, so if it happened
to you, you must have done something to provoke it.
Maybe you said something or you wore something?
I hope you get what I’m hinting at here, but if you don’t, let’s switch to a different,
less controversial example like… cancer.
We all know that cancer is random, right?
Well not really, if you have cancer, you must have done something – you smoked or ate
asbestos or… used the microwave with the door open.
Or you’re just a garbage human being who’s getting what they deserve.
You might be thinking that you’re not that terrible of a person, but we all do believe
this to a certain extent.
When you find out that someone has cancer, your first question is often – how?
Partly so you can avoid doing whatever they did, so you don’t get cancer, but also because…
you think they did something.
Sure, random things happen, but not to me.
So let’s alter the example a little, let’s say your wife gets cancer, you know her pretty
well you’ve been together for years, she’s a good person.
You know she’s never smoked or been to Chernobyl.
So you sit there and try to think of what she might’ve done or how this could have
possibly happened, some people might tell you…
“Everything happens for a reason” or “God works in mysterious ways”… which doesn’t
help, since it kind of implies that God- You know what, let’s change the example, you
get cancer.
Now there is no wondering about what they might have done behind your back or in a past
life to deserve this.
Because you don’t believe in reincarnation and you know everything you’ve done.
You know who you are, you know what you’ve done, and you know you’re a good person…
but you also know that good things happen to good people and bad things happen to bad
people.
So if something bad is happening to you…
There are only two options, you can’t resolve this with some colloquial saying, either you’re
a bad person or this fundamental belief you’ve had about the world since childhood is wrong.
This is the Shattered Assumptions Theory and it’s triggered by a Traumatic Event.
If you think you might have had a traumatic event happen to you, you’re wrong.
You know if you’ve had a traumatic event.
A Potential Traumatic Event has to be sufficiently devastating enough to cause inward self-reflection,
when you to question your entire reality.
Your favorite pet dying, while tragic, probably isn’t going to do that.
It also has to occur in adulthood, when you’re a child, this is your life – you have your
foundations and a few pieces here and there, family, friends, maybe a few savings bonds
from your grandma.
Losing this wouldn’t really be that much of a setback.
I’m not trying to downplay anything that may have happened to you that may have been
traumatic, but when it comes to the Shattered Assumptions Theory, it has to occur in adulthood.
When your life looks more like this.
It took you decades to build this – it’s not perfect, but it’s also not done, you
have a job, maybe a career, a family, maybe even a little savings.
You’ve had to cut corners, skip a few pieces here and there.
You’ve had to add pieces on that you didn’t expect to, but you made it work.
It’s not great, but it’s the life you have.
And then something comes along… and that’s it… everything’s gone.
This is what we call hitting Rock Bottom…
Roll Credits Go away CinemaSins, nobody likes you anymore.
After my last video, many of you asked me what caused me to look at the world differently
and re-evaluate my positions.
And this is your answer.
If I’m a good person, and something bad is happening to me… maybe I’m not a good
person… or maybe this fundamental belief I’ve held since childhood is wrong.
And if I’m wrong about that, what else am I wrong about?
This process doesn’t happen overnight, it’s a reflective period that takes place over
months or even years, it’s not like I was hit in the head and woke… actually, I was
hit in the head, with a golf club.
But that was years before and I’m fine now.
Before the age of 25, if you had asked me if I had experienced a traumatic event, I
would have said yes.
And I would have listed them all for you.
If you were to ask me today… the answer is still yes.
But there’s only one.
In 1999, Baz Luhrmann released a spoken word song called Everybody’s Free (To Wear Sunscreen),
it’s amazing and I’ve come back to it several times over the last twenty years.
Each time, I’m able to extract a little more meaning from it.
I’m not going to play it for you because of copyright, but this particular passage
is important: Don’t worry about the future; or worry,
but know that worrying is as effective as trying to solve an algebra equation by chewing
bubblegum.
The real troubles in your life are apt to be things that never crossed your worried
mind; the kind that blindside you at 4 PM on some idle Tuesday.
According to the Shattered Assumptions Theory, in order to hit rock bottom and question everything
you thought you knew and re-evaluate your entire life, a traumatic event must be sufficiently
traumatic.
The kind that blindsides you at 4PM on some idle Tuesday.
There are three paths available to you after a traumatic event sufficient enough to fit
the Shattered Assumptions Theory.
You could choose to be resilient.
You knuckle down and push through it as you always have, you persevere and you don’t
change anything.
You chalk up the event to a random happening, an outlier.
It doesn’t cause you to question anything or rethink your life, resulting in no changes.
This is, by far, the most common approach and there’s nothing inherently wrong with
that.
Or, you can take a look in the mirror, assess the situation, and go through some cognitive
processing or rumination.
And you have an additional two choices here.
If good things happen to good people and bad things happen to bad people, and something
bad is happening to you…
You might conclude that you are a bad person.
This is called Intrusive Rumination and typically results in severe distress, depression, anxiety,
and PTSD.
Nietzsche was wrong.
What doesn’t kill you doesn’t always make you stronger, sometimes it can break you.
This can take years to reverse, if at all.
Or you can decide that the Just World Hypothesis is actually the Just World Fallacy and is
wrong.
This is called Deliberate Rumination and leads to Post-Traumatic Growth.
You throw out or reevaluate everything, the idea of good and evil?
Gone, the gradient too.
And you know what?
All those people I used to point and laugh at for being wrong?
Well clearly I don’t know anything anymore so…
Tell me, what’s your deal?
People who have gone through Post-Traumatic Growth are able to completely reorder what’s
important in their life.
Maybe career was too high up on the list and relationships were too low.
They’re able to re-evaluate what makes them happy and what doesn’t, and they’re able
to get rid of those things.
It’s very difficult to break up with friends and family.
But in this position, someone can say “this person has always been there for me, they
have my back no matter what and I trust them unconditionally… but this person is toxic.
In fact, I can trace all of my bad habits to this person.”
After hitting rock bottom, you figure out who your real friends are.
Along with re-evaluating your interpersonal relationships, you realize your own strengths,
and you’re far more capable of handling future traumatic events.
You also have a greater appreciation for life and perception of new possibilities.
You get to pick up the pieces and rebuild them however you want, tossing out the unnecessary
bits, and now that you’re an adult, you have a plan and you know what you want it
to look like.
Rather than haphazardly tacking on pieces as they come along.
Jonathan Haidt’s book The Happiness Hypothesis puts forth two versions of what he called
the Adversity Hypothesis.
There’s the weak version…
Adversity can lead to growth and self-improvement.
And then there’s the strong version…
In order to achieve the highest levels of growth and development, one must endure adversity.
I personally agree with both and I don’t see them being at odds with each other.
We all know someone who has never had anything bad happen to them, maybe the worst thing
is their dog died.
And those people kinda suck, don’t they?
People who have been through adversity and either persevered or benefitted from it, are
more empathetic and are generally happier.
Some would also argue that they have more wisdom.
Some of the wisest people I know when it comes to life are former addicts, which are the
last people I would have guessed ten years ago.
They’re the definition of hitting rock bottom.
But they came out of it far better than someone who’s never been through anything and they
were able to rebuild their lives into something much cooler.
So I agree with Haidt that adversity is almost necessary for personal growth.
Though I may be a little biased since I first heard about this hypothesis after my own shattered
assumptions period.
It was almost like he wrote that chapter specifically for me.
If I were to pick the book that shaped my psychology and outlook on life as an adult
the most, it would be The Happiness Hypothesis.
And I’m not just saying that because Audible is sponsoring this video.
I’ve recommended this book in the past and it was the primary source for several of my
older videos.
But you don’t have to physically read it, you can listen to it while you’re at the
gym or out for a walk, which I’ve also done, by going to audible.com/knowingbetter or texting
knowingbetter to 500-500.
Where you can get a free 30-day trial of Audible, which includes two Audible originals and your
first audiobook for free.
I personally recommend The Happiness Hypothesis by Jonathan Haidt, but you can choose whatever
you want.
A lot of the books that I use as sources for my videos are actually audiobooks that I listen
to on Audible.
Sometimes I’ve read them before, other times you guys recommend them to me.
Either way, you can do the same by going to audible.com/knowingbetter or texting knowingbetter
to 500-500 to get started, you’ll also be supporting the channel when you do.
If you’re feeling a little envious, like dang, I wish something terrible would happen
to me so I can grow from it.
Don’t, that’s a weird thing to wish for.
Personal growth and self-improvement is possible without a traumatic event, it’s just slower
and more difficult.
The hardest life lessons can’t be taught, they have to be experienced.
So while you can try to convince yourself that you maybe didn’t earn all your advantages
and that victims probably didn’t do anything to deserve it, it’s hard, and it often takes
blowing it all up.
Remember our analogy from the beginning?
I obviously don’t wish America was bombed into oblivion so we could rebuild like Europe
and I don’t wish any ill will on any of you.
But traumatic events will happen, both personally and nationally.
And when they do, I hope you don’t just persevere – seize the opportunity to make
meaningful changes in your life and possibly rebuild it into something new, because now,
you know better.
Spectrum, spectrum was the word I was looking for…
I’d like to give a shout out to my newest legendary patrons, Kenn and Corina.
If you’d like to add your name to this list of just individuals, head on over to patreon.com/knowingbetter.
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