- Rob Lowe.
What does he do?
Rob Lowe does a job that most Americans just won't do.
He plays Rob Lowe.
It's a thankless job
but we are all so grateful that you do it, Rob.
- Ann, after seeing your set tonight,
I think we've all witnessed the first bombing
that you can't blame on a Muslim.
(laughter and applause)
(upbeat music)
- We're here to honor one of the biggest stars of 1987
(laughter)
with some of the biggest stars of 1984.
(laughter)
Many of you know Rob from Parks and Rec.
A lot of you know him from The West Wing.
A couple people know him from Grinder.
(whistling)
And if you swiped right, you met him in person
10 minutes later.
(laughter)
At one time Rob was one of the biggest stars in the world.
He was an A-list actor.
He was named one of the 50 most beautiful people
in the world and he (beep) the other 49.
(laughter)
These are compliments.
Is this guy hot or what?
There's not a dry pussy in the place.
(laughter)
I want a clean up on every chick's chair.
(laughter)
For years, Rob Lowe had a sex addiction,
but he cured it by getting less famous.
(laughter)
Rob was a movie called The Outsiders back in the day.
(cheering)
Remember that?
(whistles and applause)
His character was called Soda Pop,
because at the time Rob was 98% Coke.
(laughter)
I remember the first time I became aware of Rob.
I was at a casting meeting for Tommy Boy
when I came across your headshot and I do mean came across.
(laughter)
He's good looking.
It's not easy being Rob.
He said being so handsome made it difficult for him
to find meaningful roles.
I wanted to ask Brad Pitt about that,
but he was too busy acting in meaningful roles.
(laughter and applause)
Rob's not a gay man, but he plays one
every moment of his life.
(laughter)
Rob has a line of skincare products.
You can buy them online.
You won't, but you can.
(laughter)
Our younger audience might not know who you are.
So kids, this is who your mom thinks
about when she's (beep) your dad.
(laughter)
Rob was great on The West Wing.
You remember that show?
(applause and cheering)
I assume your pal, Charlie Sheen, helped you with that.
He's used to working with aids, White House aids.
What did you...oh.
Rob looks great for his age.
Many people have wondered if he's had any plastic surgery.
Those same people have wondered if Caitlin Jenner
has any plastic surgery.
(laughter)
Rob came up at a time when a sex tape
could really ruin your career.
But Rob had to do it the hard way, with his acting.
(laughter)
- I wanna thank Spade for hosting tonight.
He was amazing.
Love you.
Oh, by the way, SNL has just released a compilation
of David's funniest sketches.
It's called the Best of Chris Farley.
(laughter)
- You guys didn't come here tonight to find out
about these losers.
You came here tonight to find out why in the heck
I came here tonight.
(laughter)
Well, five ago, ESPN, NFL Insider, Rob Lowe here,
tweeted out to the entire world
that I was retiring from football.
Not five months ago, when I actually did retire.
But five years ago,
Soda Pop Curtis tweeted that I was done, finished.
(laughter)
I mean, Rob, I never tried to ruin your big moments.
I didn't tell people when The Grinder got canceled
or when Dr. Vegas got canceled
or when Lions Den got canceled
or when Moon Beam City got canceled
or when your direct TV commercials got canceled.
Heck, I was just thinking
had you been quarterback for the Broncos last year
the freaking Super Bowl would've been canceled.
(laughter)
In fact, the only thing you're consistently on is Twitter
which is surprising,
because you've never been able to master one character,
let alone 140.
(laughter and applause)
But, look, pal, what's done is done.
What do you say we put this whole thing behind us?
I wish you well.
I sincerely hope you can break
this 20 season losing streak you've been on.
(laughter)
But hey, I don't worry about Rob Lowe.
He is a workhorse and heck, man,
if they ever stop casting you in sitcoms,
just look on the bright side.
You tried to take the air outta my retirement announcement
so fast, you can probably get a job as Tom Brady's ball boy.
(applause and cheering)
God bless all of you.
And God bless Rob Lowe because he's going to need it.
- When they asked me to choose my dais,
number 18 was number one.
Peyton Manning is a two time Super Bowl champion
and a certain hall of famer,
but it didn't give him a big head.
That came from years of inbreeding.
(laughter and applause)
Peyton's here tonight to show Zika babies
it could really be much worse.
(laughter)
- Speaking of pussy, Rob Lowe.
(laughter)
People may be wondering what my connection is to Rob.
Well, years ago, I was cast in a show called Lion's Den.
I'm sure none of you saw it because it starred Rob Lowe.
But anyway, the first script said
that Rob and I were supposed to kiss
and I asked them if they could rewrite it
so I wouldn't have to,
because I knew where that mouth had been, but they said no.
And I had to do it.
So, years later, Rob wrote in his memoir
that I was the only girl in history
who did not want to kiss Rob Lowe.
He talked about it on his book tour.
He bitched about it on Howard Stern.
He even made out with Ellen to show her what it was like.
Yeah, well, that part I actually kind of understood
because kissing him did make me feel like a lesbian.
(laughter)
- Rolling stone has called Jewel
the poet laureate of her generation.
Hey Jewel, I've got a poem.
Roses are red.
Your music sucks.
(laughter)
- You suck at poetry too, wow!
- Jewel has performed for the Pope.
In fact, it's the reason the Pope insists on
always being in a soundproof glass box.
(laughter)
- Let's hear it for Rob Lowe.
Okay, right.
Rob Lowe.
(applause)
Or as gonorrhea doctors call him, patient zero.
(laughter)
People call Rob Lowe a bad actor,
but that's only because they never saw him tell his wife
he didn't (beep) that nanny.
(laughter)
- Pete Davidson.
Good to have you here tonight.
(laughter)
As he talks about in his standup and everywhere else,
he lost his father on 9/11.
Pete, your performance tonight
was a fitting tribute to your dad,
because it was like watching a third plane
hit the World Trade Center.
(groans and laughter)
No really, I actually do think you're going to be
the next Adam Sandler.
And I knew it the minute I saw David Spade blowing you
before the show.
(laughter)
- I like the fall through, Mr. Lowe.
- I made my wife laugh.
What a rarity.
(laughter)
- Rob has been involved in four lawsuits
with former nannies.
Rob says he didn't (beep) those nannies.
And I believe him because he's either telling the truth
or he's the best actor in the world.
(laughter)
It's been an honor being here tonight.
My friends back at home aren't gonna believe me
when I tell them I got to roast
Charlie Sheen's brother's friend.
(laughter and applause)
And I have to thank Rob Lowe.
What a top man, allowing us to say such horrible things,
right to where his face used to be.
- Jimmy Carr,
born to Irish Catholic parents, raised Catholic,
Jimmy first knew he was funny at age nine
when he made his priest laugh so hard
the come shot out of a his nose.
(laughter)
- Hey, speaking of bleached, hairy assholes,
let's talk about Rob Lowe for a minute.
Rob, in both your sex tapes,
you appeared with two other people.
Good God, man, you can't even carry a sex tape.
(laughter)
You're like the me of sex tapes, self-deprecating.
Beat it to the punch!
(laughter)
Fun fact.
Ann Coulter has a big angry bush.
No joke, that's just a fun fact.
(laughter)
Rob's played many wonderful characters in film.
Recently, he played JFK in the movie Killing Kennedy.
Jesus Christ, hasn't that family suffered enough?
(laughter)
Grassy knoll!
But not as grassy as Ann Coulter's big angry bush.
Instant callback!
(laughter)
And who can forget Parks and Rec,
where Rob played a guy who misused the word "literally".
Correct use of the word would be something like,
I don't know,
Rob Lowe has literally had sex with everyone in this room
except Ann Coulter,
because her bush is literally too angry.
Yes, threepeat.
It's a threepeat.
They said I couldn't do it, but I did it.
I nailed Ann Coulter's bush three times!
(laughter)
Rob, you're a good man and a good friend.
And I can't wait to see what failed pilot
we're gonna do together next year.
(laughter)
- Rob Riggle!
Rob, as we learned tonight,
is a Lieutenant Colonel in the Marines
and served in Afghanistan.
By the way, great job on that.
(laughter)
Rob was then going to serve his country further
as a Navy pilot, but he just decided to drop out
and pursue a career in Hollywood,
like a true American piece of shit.
(laughter)
- Rob was on The West Wing,
where he managed the impossible task
of being the most insufferable part
of an Aaron Sorkin show.
A few years ago, there was talk of Rob Lowe
replacing Charlie Sheen
when the government was deciding who to give AIDS to next.
Rob's last show was called The Grinder.
Hard to believe that a TV show
named after a gay dating app wouldn't be a huge hit.
I know some of you are saying
I did this only to promote my book, In Trump We Trust:
E Pluribus Awesome!
Available at bookstores everywhere,
including the Barnes at Noble where Ralph Macchio works.
(laughter)
We all do what we do.
Writers write, actors act, and Rob Lowe, what does he do?
The truth is Rob Lowe does a job
that most Americans just won't do.
He plays Rob Lowe.
It's a thankless job
but we are also grateful that you do it, Rob, thank you.
- It's 56 days to Halloween,
but I see that Ann Coulter's already
in her skeleton costume.
(applause)
People ask why is Ann Coulter here tonight?
Answer: because the right to lifers wanted everyone to see
what an abortion looks like up close.
(groans and laughter)
And Ann, after seeing your set tonight,
I think we've all witnessed the first bombing
that you can't blame on a Muslim.
(laughter and applause)
- I want to thank you for being here tonight
for my old friend Rob Lowe.
(applause)
My greaser brother from The Outsiders.
(cheering)
How about that?
Rob, because of that film, we are bound together for life
but you're Rob Lowe and I'm just Ralph Macchio.
Okay, Rob, I might not have your career,
but if they were roasting me,
the biggest star here would be a lot fucking bigger than me.
If I had a roast and the biggest star I could get was me,
I would just do what Rob Riggle did
and get the (beep) outta show business.
(laughter)
You did The West Wing with Martin Sheen.
You were in Parks and Rec with Chris Pratt.
And the biggest movie star you could get
to show up tonight is Ralph (beep) Macchio.
(laughter)
That is pathetic, dude.
And that's a direct quote from my kids.
(laughter)
And yet, you keep going.
How did you get a bigger career than me?
I could have gotten all those shows you were on canceled
if I was just given a chance.
(laughter)
You charmed idiot,
you did a sex tape and you still got work.
You ruined Snow White at the Oscars and you still got work.
You did The Grinder and here you are on TV again.
I can't (beep) escape you.
You know how many times I've just been trying to forget
about life, watch a little football,
when you pop up on my screen
in one of those creepy direct TV commercials?
All of those different Rob Lowes
and not one of those scumbags
could hook me up with a decent gig.
(laughter)
You did two sex tapes and you couldn't gimme a part.
(laughter)
Come on, man.
You know I'll be in any sequel.
(laughter and applause)
Nothing.
Then out of the blue, I get this call
from Comedy Central, asking me to do a roast.
Yeah, people are gonna on me for an hour.
But if I do well, this could be my big comeback.
Who are they roasting?
Rob Lowe, shit!
It's probably being canceled right now.
(laughter)
Unbelievable.
I've had to take a lot of ass kickings in this business,
but to take a beating tonight for you,
you with those blue eyes and the (beep) soft skin,
God, you had it easy, princess.
(laughter)
I hate you.
I (beep) hate you, Rob Lowe.
I hate you like a brother.
(applause)
And that mother (beep) is what you call acting.
- Ralphie Macchio, my old buddy from The Outsiders,
stay gold.
I never told you how amazing you were in that scene
in the movie where you're beaten up in the park.
Sadly, that happened to Ralph again just last week.
(laughter)
That's the chance you take
when you sleep in a park every night.
(upbeat music)