A Russian man, let’s call him Alexi, is about to commit a crime. He’s part of a gang that
deals in illegal products. He walks down a dark alleyway late at night to meet another
guy who he’s been told is called Vasily. The two communicated on the phone just the
other day, with Vasily telling Alexi that his clients are desperate for a fix since
that last big bust. Alexi told him not to worry, a big shipment has just come in and
there’s enough for everybody. “We’re all going to make a lot of money,” said Alexi.
So, what exactly does Alexi have to sell, and what is Vasily so desperate to buy?
Heroin…cocaine…methamphetamine…MDMA? The answer is none of those things. The answer
is cheese, and on this occasion, cheddar cheese…that most wonderful
food that originates in the country of England. These two criminals are well aware that they could
do serious time for cheese dealing, so now let’s have a look why, as well as other insane things
you won’t believe are illegal in Russia! 10. Imported food products
In 2015, you might have read a story in the media about an organized Russian crime gang
that was arrested for importing over $20 million of illegal cheese.
Ok, you’re thinking, you’ve heard that cheese might be slightly addictive, but c’mon Russia,
really, is cheese really that bad…is it tearing at the fabric of society. Are there infomercials in
Russia showing eggs being fried along with the words, “This is your brain on cheese”?
Well, the Russian government is indeed telling its citizens to just say no to cheese, but
not because cheese is inherently bad for people. The reason is Russia’s ban on imported food
products that started in 2014. This was called a “retaliatory food import ban”, because Russia was
retaliating for sanctions being placed on it. . The problem was, while this led to cheese
production inside Russia increasing, people still wanted their delicious fix from other
cheese-making countries. People wanted real Italian Mozzarella on their pizza, with some
Russians saying the homemade version of pizza didn’t quite meet their expectations. Italian
restaurant owners were up in arms about it. This didn’t mean local folks were looking at
doing hard time for putting illegal French Camembert on their toast,
but criminals have been imprisoned for illegally importing various banned food products.
Right after the ban, there was a hotline people could call if they thought an illegal food dealer
was working in their area. If someone got a whiff of European cheese in their hood,
they could inform the authorities and the cheese seller could go to prison.
Those who were part of the “cheese ring” we mentioned were reported to be looking
at serving 10 years behind bars. It was serious business, with one source saying Russians were,
“buying cheese the same way people bought weed in 1980s Brooklyn...corner
stores have become black market cheese dealers”.
It wasn’t only cheese of course. Illegal products could be meat, poultry, and fruits. Yep,
that means that in Russia there’s such a thing as a contraband sausage.
In fact, some Russians watched in disbelief as contraband foods were destroyed live on TV.
What they beheld was the destruction of things such as Polish apples, Dutch cheese and Danish
pork. Even some ducklings were seized by the cops, and then killed and incinerated.
Some folks were pretty darn mad at the government, since millions of Russians live
below the poverty line. Others shouted, “How can you do this? It's an act of “fromagicde.”
But food is only the tip of the crazy iceberg.
9. Popular blogs So, you’ve been blogging
for a while in Russia and you’ve started getting many page views per day. Damn,
you’re almost internet famous and you’re mighty proud of that fact. But then one day you hear a
knock at the door and it’s the cops. They’re not happy at all about your online celebrity status.
The reason for that is, if a blog in Russia starts getting more than 3,000 page views a day,
by law it has to be registered with the country’s mass media regulator,
Roskomnadzor. This law was approved in 2014 and many Russians were not happy about it.
The law also means that bloggers cannot be anonymous and that the data must be kept on
Russian servers. If you break any of these rules you could find yourself in trouble.
Critics called the move a crackdown on free expression in Russia, stating that Vladimir
Putin was flexing his muscles making sure that no one could start criticizing him online. In fact,
Putin takes a dim view of the internet and has said before that it is a CIA project- which
is tin-foil hat level of crazy right there. But maybe there’s a good reason Putin hates
the internet... 8. Memes
Have you ever seen a really funny meme containing an image of Vladimir Putin?
Of course you have, they’re everywhere. The memes that likely put Putin in a silent
rage are the ones with the image of him riding a horse and not wearing anything on the upper half
of his body. There’s even one with him and U.S. President Donald Trump on the back of the horse.
Kind of funny, eh…but not so funny according to Roskomnadzor. It said that making fun of people
in a meme is illegal, with a law being passed a few years ago. In its own words the agency said,
“These ways of using images violate the laws governing personal data and harm the honor,
dignity and business of public figures.” But surely the authorities wouldn’t put a
person in prison just for having a bit of fun… Tell that to Maria Motuznaya, a young
Russian girl who back in 2018 was labelled an “extremist” for posting memes on the Internet.
Her memes were mostly about religion and not public figures per se, but that was enough for
the Russian government to send the cops around to her house and take her away for interrogation. One
of the memes consisted of a group of nuns about to light up cigarettes. The caption below was,
“Quick, while God isn’t looking.” We thought that was kind of amusing,
but the Russian government didn’t giggle. Far from it, Maria ended up in court charged with hate
speech and offending religious folks’ feelings. She was looking at a possible six years in prison,
just because of a bunch of pretty harmless memes. When she got the knock on the door and realized
she was being investigated for her allegedly criminal memes she couldn’t
believe the authorities were being serious. She said to the western media, “Honestly,
the first time - when I was shown the warrant - I laughed and asked: 'Are you serious?'.
I thought it was a joke of some kind, maybe it's my friends playing a trick on me.”
As her case was going on, a 19-year guy was also under investigation for posting memes.
One of his memes compared the Game of Thrones character, one Jon Snow, to the almighty Jesus
Christ. He was also called an “undesirable citizen” and he was subsequently investigated.
As for Maria, she got off in the end. The good news is that the Kremlin later
decided to change the laws somewhat and not come down so hard on meme-makers. Still,
laws are in place today that mean you could get into trouble for posting a doctored
picture of Putin riding a bear. Yep, that meme exists. Just don’t share it if you’re Russian.
If you think that’s crazy, it’s going to get crazier.
7. Censored Movies Imagine a Russian version of
Quentin Tarrantino’s “Pulp Fiction” playing in Moscow’s theaters. How much fun would that be?
You’d hear the translation from that opening part of the movie, when Samuel Jackson is
interrogating the young men. “Say 'what' one more time!
I dare you, I double dare you…” The next word would have to be left out in
the Russian version, as would a good part of the entire script. That’s because in 2014, Vladimir
Putin signed a law that banned all cursing in theater performances. Not only that, cursing is
also not allowed in movies, TV, and the media. Get caught using bad language and if you’re a
company you could be fined up to $1,400. If it’s just a person caught swearing,
they could be fined $70. Imagine how much cash has to be put in the Russian government’s swear jar.
On top of that, if content in any form, including books, has bad language in it,
it must have a warning label on the jacket. It’s said that the reason for the profanity
law is to preserve the beauty of the Russian language, even though Russians curse all the
time in real life. Specially Putin when he sees all the memes about him on the internet.
Now, let’s continue to explore Russia’s love/hate relationship with the internet with...
6. we’re Russian There are illegal
substances in Russia just like there are in other countries, but Russia has taken things a little
further and banned websites that talk about drugs. The move was to prevent young folks from getting
into drugs, but what if folks can’t find the right information about such substances.
Some drug websites, such as the US-based Erowid, aren’t exactly anti- or pro-drugs,
but it can serve as a useful resource if you want to know more about a certain drug.
But in Russia, this could be seen as promoting the use of drugs and
so such a website or blog would be banned. In 2015, Russian authorities blocked part of
Reddit and thought about blocking the entire site because there was a thread about growing magic
mushrooms. A Wikipedia page was also blocked for a while because it contained information
about a certain type of Indian hashish. In fact, in 2019, Russia banned a grand
total of 21,000 websites that contained information about illegal drugs. Meanwhile,
that same year Russia stood in fourth place for alcohol consumption. Booze is such a big problem
in the country that some organizations have called it a “national disaster.”
We should add, though, that Russia has been trying to crackdown on boozing. Another ban now in place
is drinking in parks and other public areas. Yep, you could be arrested for bringing out a bottle
of wine while picnicking with your lover. Some of Russia’s bans though is something
we could all get behind... 5. Jehovah’s Witnesses
You can be sure of one thing in Russia and that’s the fact that you won’t be getting a
knock on the door and when you open it there are two smartly dressed folks who say, “We’re here
to talk about the only true God, Jehovah.” The U.S.-based Christian denomination has
about 8.5 million members worldwide, and those that belong to the religion have been known to
turn up at your door while you’re watching TV. Not in Russia. In 2017, the country outlawed
the religion. If you belong to it, you will be labeled an extremist. Some people are
presently in prison for admitting that they are a Jehovah’s Witnesses and trying to spread the word.
What does Putin think about the religion? He called it “complete nonsense”. Putin is
certainly not areligious, he’s just what you call orthodox Christian. Or maybe he
hates getting his tv watching interrupted by a knock on the door as much as the rest of us.
Now we turn to the darker side of Russia. 4. Gay Pride
You won’t see the rainbow flag flying on the streets of Russia this year, or next year, or for
many decades to come, and that’s because in 2012 Russia banned gay pride parades for a century.
Yep, you heard that right, one hundred years. In fact, Russia has what’s called a
gay propaganda law. It’s not illegal to be gay or lesbian or bisexual or transgender in Russia,
but it’s illegal to outwardly be proud about sexuality that Russia doesn’t deem traditional.
In a country that already has quite a large number of people who are prejudiced against
sexual minorities, the 2013 law only served to create more antipathy. There are plenty
of activists and reasonable people in Russia that have criticized the law, but their beliefs
have often led to bullying and harassment. In fact, in January 2020, news reports told
us that a Russian activist named Yulia Tsvetkova was placed under house arrest by the authorities.
What had she done? The answer is she had posted a drawing she had created on social media.
The drawing had a same-sex couple with their two children. The text
that accompanied the sketch said, “Family is where love is. Support LGBT+ families!”
For showing some love she was charged with disseminating pornography and she could spend
six years in prison. In an interview, she said she had posted the drawing in support of a couple who
had to flee Russia after they’d adopted two kids. In this respect, when we ask what regular things
are banned in Russia, you could say one thing is human rights.
3. Don’t forget your ID When Russians reach the ripe old age of fourteen
they are told they must carry an internal passport with them at all times when outside the house.
This ID is issued by the Ministry of Internal Affairs. If a person is found to be without this
document they can be held by the police. Ok, so you decide you want to see Russia
for yourself and go there on a vacation. Whether you are doing some sightseeing in
Moscow or are hiking in Siberia, you must have your passport on you at all times.
Yep, it doesn’t matter where you are, if the cops stop you and you can’t
show them your passport you could be fined. That’s us giving you some sound advice…now
let’s get crazy again. 2. Driving
Ok, so driving isn’t banned for everyone, but if you are
transgender in Russia you cannot get behind the wheel. You can’t ride a motorcycle, either.
What is this madness you are probably thinking? Well, the law came in just
a few years ago and was supposed to cut down on traffic accidents in the country…If
you don’t know already, Russia is renowned for its number of traffic accidents and fatalities.
But what’s that got to do with transgender people? The answer is that the government has stated that
trans folks have a physical or mental disability. If you’re a transvestite, or a kleptomaniac,
or a fetishist, you are also barred from driving. Understandably, human rights activists have called
this utterly ridiculous. But it’s only slightly less crazy than the number one
illegal thing in Russia. 1. Lacy Underwear
In 2014, Russia introduced a law that banned the sale or production of lace underwear. The same law
was also introduced in Kazakhstan and Belarus. But why, you might be thinking, and it’s a good
question. The answer is because Putin wanted women wearing homemade Russian
underwear that was at least six percent cotton. Women in those three countries didn’t much
like the idea of being told what they could wear and some of them said they didn’t want
to go back to the Soviet days when women wore what you might call boring panties.
In fact, a group of women protested the law, with some of them wearing lacy underwear on
their heads and shouting, “Freedom to panties!” They were subsequently arrested and taken to the
police station. One guy who commented on the law said that people would just go abroad and
buy their underwear. He told the media, “I think this is just another silly law that
shows the ineffectiveness of our government.” He likely thinks the same about the cheese ban,
too. God forbid you get pulled over by the cops in Russia while wearing lacy underwear and carrying
a Danish sausage in your pocket. Now you need to watch this video,
“Russian Sleep Experiment – EXPLAINED”. Or have a look at this, “Why USSR Had No Serial Killers.”