- (sighs) Okay, socializing is important.
So I'm gonna do it.
I'm gonna go to the party for 10 minutes, just 10 minutes,
and then I'll make my escape
once I've reminded everyone that I exist.
What's the worst that could happen?
- [Host] Oh, hey. You're the first one here.
- This is the worst thing that could have happened.
- [Host] We've got a lot to catch up on.
- Yeah. (groaning awkwardly)
Well, I'd love to come to your nephew's tee-ball game,
but the thing is, I have a tee-ball game that afternoon too.
Oh, you know what?
That day, I'm supposed to be rescuing baby ducks
from an oil spill.
But you know, I guess I could cancel
to go to your get together.
You know, the ducks, they can just expire.
Hello? No, this is me.
No, it's not him.
No, I am.
I am from Norway.
Please do not call again.
I have no reason to leave the house ever again.
Everything can just get dropped right to my doorstep.
Groceries, shoes, Starbucks.
Though I will say, the Starbucks,
not as hot when you get it delivered, but I'll take the hit.
(doorbell rings)
Who is it?
- [Delivery Man] I've got a package delivery.
I need a signature.
- Crap! Why is this happening?
- [Delivery Man] Hello?
- Could I just get it delivered,
like with one of those drones instead?
- [Delivery Man] No.
- (groans) Human interaction!
Why would I need someone else to talk to
when I've got several different persons within me,
all vying for attention?
I've got more understanding now
than I ever have before.
I just get it now.
It is all a game, and we are it.
What if my life is just a low budget YouTube program,
and my house is just a green screen stock photo?
How many years has it been
since I've had a conversation with someone?
I don't remember.
Time has no meaning for me.
My friends stopped inviting me out,
which was nice of them, I guess.
It, you know, saves me the trouble of declining every time,
which as many times as I did it
was still emotionally exhausting.
I don't wear pants anymore.
If I hear a phone ring, it knocks me out for a few days.
Very stressful. I'm just not used to it anymore.
And most days I do fake interviews,
where I answer questions as though someone is talking to me,
even though I'm here all alone.
Like right now.
(upbeat lounge music)