WELCOME TO THE LATE SHOW EVERYBODY.
I'M YOUR SHOWS STEPHEN COLBERT.
LET'S SEE -- ( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE )
WHERE WERE WE WHEN WE LAST MET?
WHERE WERE WE?
OH, RIGHT!
THE BIG STORY CONTINUES TO BE SUPREME COURT NOMINEE AND MAN
LIKE 80% SURE HE'S GOING TO MAKE IT TO THE BATHROOM IN TIME,
BRETT KAVANAUGH.
KAVANAUGH'S CONFIRMATION HAS BEEN THROWN INTO TURMOIL SINCE
HE WAS ACCUSED OF SEXUAL ASSAULT BY DR. CHRISTINE BLASEY-FORD.
SHE'S WILLING TO TESTIFY, BUT SHE WANTS AN F.B.I.
INVESTIGATION FIRST.
THAT IDEA WAS SHOT DOWN BY SENATE JUDICIARY COMMITTEE
CHAIRMAN AND GERIATRIC MEERKAT --
( LAUGHTER ) -- CHUCK GRASSLEY, WHO SAID, IT
IS NOT THE F.B.I.'S ROLE TO INVESTIGATE A MATTER SUCH AS
THIS.
OF COURSE NOT, IT'S RIGHT THERE IN THEIR NAME: THE FEDERAL
BUREAU OF "I DON'T KNOW WHAT THAT LAST LETTER STANDS
FOR."
( LAUGHTER ) ( PIANO RIFF )
NO ONE KNOWS.
( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ) BUT GRASSLEY WANTS TO ASSURE HER
THAT SOMEONE'S ON THE CASE, WRITING, "I CERTAINLY UNDERSTAND
AND RESPECT DR. FORD'S DESIRE FOR AN INVESTIGATION OF HER
ALLEGATIONS.
THAT IS PRECISELY WHAT THE SENATE IS DOING."
OKAY, BUT HAVE YOU SEEN WHO'S ON THE SENATE JUDICIARY COMMITTEE?
I WOULDN'T TRUST THESE GEEZERS TO INVESTIGATE A RESTAURANT
MENU.
"I WOULD LIKE A SCOOP OF CHICKEN SALAD SERVED IN HALF A
CANTALOUPE."
"SIR, YOU'RE SPEAKING INTO A MAILBOX."
"OKAY, TUNA SALAD ON A PINEAPPLE."
( LAUGHTER ) GRASSLEY SAYS IT'S NOT
APPROPRIATE FOR THE F.B.I.
TO INVESTIGATE, AND HE'S INSISTING BLASEY-FORD MUST
TESTIFY ON MONDAY AND HAS SET 10:00 A.M. FRIDAY AS THE
DEADLINE TO HEAR BACK FROM HER.
OBVIOUSLY, THE U.S. SENATE'S KNOWN FOR TWO THINGS: MOVING AT
LIGHTNING SPEED AND NOT CARING WHAT ABUSED WOMEN HAVE TO SAY
ABOUT SUPREME COURT NOMINEES.
( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ) I THINK MONDAY'S GONNA BE
FAST-PACED THRILL RIDE.
"DR. BLASEY-FORD, THANK YOU SO MUCH FOR COMING IN.
WE WANT TO HEAR EVERYTHING THAT HAPPENED, IN AS MUCH DETAIL AS
YOU CAN, SO..."
"LET'S PUT FIVE SECONDS ON THE CLOCK!"
♪ ♪
( BUZZER ) "I'M SORRY, WE COULDN'T HEAR YOU
BECAUSE WE DON'T CARE."
( LAUGHTER ) HERE'S THE THING: THEY DON'T
ACTUALLY NEED TO HEAR TESTIMONY ON MONDAY.
IT'S A TOTALLY ARTIFICIAL DEADLINE THEY'RE SETTING FOR
THEMSELVES.
IT'S LIKE WHEN YOU SAY TO YOUR FRIEND, "OKAY IF WE'RE NOT
MARRIED BY THE TIME WE'RE 30, WE'LL MEET UP AND CONFIRM AN
ACCUSED SEXUAL PREDATOR TO THE SUPREME COURT.
( LAUGHTER ) AT LEAST WE WON'T BE LONELY."
( PIANO RIFF ) GRASSLEY ALSO BOASTED THAT
THEY'VE GIVEN DR. BLASEY-FORD OPTIONS FOR HER TESTIMONY.
>> WHERE I'M FOCUSED RIGHT NOW-- IS DOING EVERYTHING THAT WE CAN
TO MAKE DR. FORD COMFORTABLE WITH COMING BEFORE OUR COMMITTEE
EITHER IN OPEN SESSION OR CLOSED SESSION
OR A PUBLIC OR A PRIVATE INTERVIEW.
THAT'S FOUR DIFFERENT WAYS SHE CAN CHOOSE TO COME.
>> STEPHEN: "FOUR WAYS: SHE CAN TESTIFY IN A BOX, SHE CAN
TESTIFY WITH A FOX, I DO NOT LIKE THIS MOUTHY MA'AM, I'D
RATHER HEAR FROM LINDSEY GRAHAM."
( LAUGHTER ) ( PIANO RIFF )
( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ) THE WITNESS WILL ANSWER THE
QUESTION.
NO SURPRISE, DEMOCRATS ARE UPSET.
ESPECIALLY, HAWAII SENATOR AND WOMAN WHO LOOKS LIKE SHE HAS TO
WORK WITH CHUCK GRASSLEY, MAZIE HIRONO.
ON TUESDAY, SHE CALLED EVERYONE OUT.
WELL, HALF OF EVERYONE.
>> BUT REALLY GUESS WHO'S PERPETUATING ALL OF THESE KINDS
OF ACTIONS?
IT'S THE MEN IN THIS COUNTRY.
AND I JUST WANT TO SAY TO THE MEN OF THIS COUNTRY JUST SHUT UP
AND STEP UP.
( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ) >> STEPHEN: WAIT!
DON'T LOOK AT ME.
DON'T LOOK AT ME!
WE WANT TO!
BUT DO YOU KNOW HOW FRAGILE OUR MASCULINITY IS?
( LAUGHTER ) WE DON'T EVEN BUY LOOFAS, WE USE
THE "AXE DETAILER SHOWER TOOL!" IT'S BLACK AND LOOKS LIKE PART
OF A SOCKET WRENCH SET BECAUSE LOOFAHS ARE FOR LADIES!
( LAUGHTER ) MEANWHILE, DONALD TRUMP IS STILL
PRESIDENT.
( LAUGHTER ) AND THIS WEEK, PRESIDENT TRUMP
ORDERED THE JUSTICE DEPARTMENT TO DECLASSIFY
SECRET DOCUMENTS RELATED TO THE INVESTIGATION OF RUSSIA MEDDLING
IN OUR ELECTION.
HE DID THIS IN AN ONGOING INVESTIGATION DESPITE THE FACT
THAT THE INTELLIGENCE COMMUNITY VOICED THEIR OPPOSITION TO THE
MOVE, BECAUSE IT POTENTIALLY JEOPARDIZES THE SECURITY OF
AMERICAN INTELLIGENCE ASSETS.
BUT HE'S THE PRESIDENT, AND I WOULD HOPE HE'D HAVE A GOOD
REASON, AND I'D BE WRONG.
BECAUSE WHEN HE WAS ASKED WHAT WAS IN THE DOCUMENTS, HE SAID,
"I HAVE NOT REVIEWED THEM."
( LAUGHTER ) YEAH, THAT TAKES TOO LONG.
IT'S LIKE THE APPLE USER AGREEMENT.
YOU JUST SCROLL TO THE BOTTOM AND CLICK TREASON.
( LAUGHTER ) ( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE )
( PIANO RIFF ) SO, WHY IS HE DOING IT?
TRUMP EXPLAINED, "I HAVE WATCHED COMMENTATORS THAT I RESPECT
BEGGING THE PRESIDENT OF THE UNITED STATES TO RELEASE THEM.
THE GREAT LOU DOBBS, THE GREAT SEAN HANNITY, THE WONDERFUL
GREAT JEANIE PIRRO."
( AUDIENCE BOOING ) (AS TRUMP)
"THE SPECTACULAR MY PILLOW GUY, NOT TO MENTION THE GREAT AND
POWERFUL SELF-LUBRICATING CATHETER THAT IS MY MOST TRUSTED
ADVISER."
( LAUGHTER ) >> Jon: WHOO!
>> Stephen: TRUMP, THEY SELL THOSE ON FOX.
ANYWAY, TRUMP ALSO ADDRESSED THE
CONSPIRACY THEORY THAT HIS ADMINISTRATION IS BEING OPPOSED
INSIDE THE GOVERNMENT BY THE SO-CALLED "DEEP STATE."
BUT TRUMP DOESN'T LIKE THAT PHRASE.
"I DON'T LIKE TO USE IT BECAUSE IT SOUNDS SO CONSPIRATORIAL AND
BELIEVE IT OR NOT I'M REALLY NOT A CONSPIRATORIAL PERSON."
( LAUGHTER ) I CHOOSE NOT.
( LAUGHTER ) I WONDER WHO SPREAD THE RUMOR
THAT HE WAS CONSPIRATORIAL?
MUST BE THE SAME PEOPLE WHO FAKED OBAMA'S BIRTH CERTIFICATE,
STOLE ALL THOSE PEOPLE FROM HIS INAUGURATION, AND HELPED TED
CRUZ'S FATHER KILL J.F.K.
( LAUGHTER ) ( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE )
GOTCHA!
AND WE JUST FOUND WHERE TRUMP MIGHT BE GETTING THOSE THEORIES
ABOUT THE DEEP STATE BECAUSE IN A NEW BOOK ABOUT
TRUMP'S RELATIONSHIP WITH PUTIN "WASHINGTON POST" REPORTER GREG
MILLER WRITES, "A TRAINED INTELLIGENCE OPERATIVE, PUTIN
UNDERSTOOD THE POWER OF PLAYING TO SOMEONE'S INSECURITIES AND
EGO."
YES, TO SPOT TRUMP'S INSECURITIES AND EGO, IT
TAKES YEARS OF K.G.B. TRAINING AND A TELEVISION.
( LAUGHTER ) AND WITH HIS HIGH-TECH TRAINING,
PRESIDENT PUTIN STARTED TO MANIPULATE TRUMP
"WITH FREQUENT PRAISE FOR THE PRESIDENT."
I THINK IT SHOULD TAKE MORE TO INFLUENCE THE PRESIDENT THAN A
LITTLE SHAMELESS FLATTERY.
AND I KNOW YOU AGREE BECAUSE YOU'RE THE SMARTEST AUDIENCE IN
THE WORLD!
AM I RIGHT?
( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE )