- I have a liberal arts degree,
which I mean I don't look like I have a liberal arts degree.
I look like a documentary about a town that ran out of coal,
but um, who else here has a liberal arts degree?
(audience cheers)
Yeah, that's not something you should whoo.
(audience laughs)
The real question should be,
what Coffee Bean do you work at?
(audience laughs)
I would do it all over again.
I would go to a trade school, that's what I would do.
Like, I have a liberal arts degree,
they need a Scared Straight to keep high school kids
from getting liberal arts degrees.
It's like, "Oh, oh, you want to be a screenwriter?
"You want to be a screenwriter?
"I know the act breaks of L.A. Confidential,
"and I just sucked a dick for a bagel."
(audience laughs)
You know what you never see on YouTube?
You never see a cat welcoming a soldier home.
That's how you know cats are dicks.
You know, dog is, the dog is all over the guy.
The cat just would walk up be like,
"You said we won the war on terror,
"but why are we still in Afghanistan?"
And then they would disappear
behind the radiator for eight months,
that's how they become outdoor cats,
they have shitty personalities.
They're like boom, thank you for your service, out.
I have smoked weed again.
I tried smokin' weed again.
I will say this about smokin' weed,
the blackouts that you have on weed are way better
than the blackouts that you get from booze.
The blackouts on weed are like,
"Oh shit, did I order a calzone last night?"
Opposed to with booze where it's like,
"Oh shit, did I kill the guy
"who gave me a calzone last night?"
I got to dye my hair and move to Mexico.
I did decide to smoke weed and watch Finding Neverland
because I guess Amistad
and Manchester by the Sea weren't an option.
(audience laughs)
Man, that's a downer that movie.
Don't see that documentary,
horrible what happened to those kids,
terrible, terrible what happened to those kids, awful.
Having said that, what a bawler we get for a nine year old,
you know what I mean?
You got a ferris wheel, a monkey butler,
like I would do it now as a 35 year old man.
I'd be like, "Michael, when do I get the funnel cake?"
I do have a wife.
(audience laughs)
That got a laugh?
(audience laughs)
Look, I got the ring to prove it.
She's great, she's 39.
She looks like she's 28,
but she's from Long Island, so she sounds like she's 67.
I got home the other day she had a bikini wax,
and I'm like, "I want to fuck you right now."
She's like, "Thanks, a Korean woman
"used tweezers on my pussy."
I'm like, "Or I'll just read a book."
(audience laughs)
She's the first woman I've let stick a finger in my ass,
and, let me tell ya, I've been livin' a lie my whole life.
That shit is fuckin' amazing.
Imagine your whole life eatin' jelly sandwiches
and then peanut butter comes along.
I've been eatin' sandwiches wrong this whole time.
I got a finger in my ass.
The only thing is my butt hole was ready for an appetizer,
and her thumb was like main course.
So, I was like, "Oh my God that feels good,"
and then pop, "No, no, you've awoken the Kraken, you know.
I'm like what, "Take it out, take it out."
But she took it out too fast,
so I had to clench my butt cheeks together
to prevent a BP oil spill from happening.
Like, there should have been a representative from BP
in front of my asshole saying,
"We did everything we could to stop the leaking,
"but we couldn't save the sea turtles."
(audience laughs)
We do try to switch stuff up sexually.
She started calling me "papi" in the bedroom,
which, look at me. I'm not a papi you know.
If anything, I'm like a step-papi,
(audience laughs) you know like I
step in and fill the void that Papi left
and then the kids like, "You're not my papi."
And I'm like, "I'm trying Sharon."
We do, we switch stuff up sexually.
She helped me live out a fantasy
that I've always wanted sexually.
Can't say what it is.
It's a handjob in a Chinese buffet,
but that's not here or there.
But I was like, what do you want sexually?
She's like, "I want to peg you."
And I said, "Okay."
And, I didn't know what pegging was.
(audience laughs)
Does everyone here know what pegging is?
Well, if you don't, this is a terrible way to find out.
When a woman or a man that's been in a terrible accident
(audience laughs)
attaches a dildo to their front,
and they penetrate you from behind.
This bit alienates both Liberals and Conservatives
because Conservatives are like, "gross,"
and Liberals are like, "We don't want you either."
You know, but it's 2019, I'm a woke male,
I'll get fucked in the ass for my wife.
Let me tell you somethin', not for me.
I don't know how you gay guys do it.
I made a sound I didn't know a living thing could make.
I literally went, "Oooohwooo."
I sounded like Scooby Doo solving the trickiest mystery.
(audience laughs)
But you know, the second time was a lot more fun,
so I (audience laughs)
can't complain about that.
You guys have been a good audience.
I've had a lot of bad shows before.
I did a show
at the Fort Lauderdale Hard Rock Cafe and Casino.
I believe Lauderdale is Spanish
for pregnant woman that still smokes.
(audience laughs)
Thing about a,
I mean a thing about a Hard Rock in Fort Lauderdale.
It's not like a Hard Rock in New York and Austin.
In New York and Austin it's like,
"Here's the guitar Jimi Hendrix set on fire.
"Here's the microphone that Janis Joplin held."
But in Fort Lauderdale, it's like,
"Here's the napkin Fred Durst wrote the lyrics to Nookie on,
"here's the crockpot Courtney Love threw up in,
"and here's a puddle of mud."
Not even memorabilia we just have them.
(audience laughs)
The worst show that I ever did though,
I did a show in this club in Vancouver called Yuk Yuks,
which is a great club, even though yuk yuk
is not a sound people make when they laugh.
Like yuk, yuk, yuk,
are you in the Star Wars cantina, what's happening?
But, I was backstage, and I was headlining,
and there's an opener and then there was a middle act.
And the opener went up to host,
and he comes backstage and goes,
"I just want to let you know there's somebody to the right,
"they're really drunk, they're really out of it."
I'm like, "Oh shit, Godddamn it."
Comes back a second time,
"He's heckling now, he's making a scene."
Like, "Oh God, oh fuck."
Third time, "He's like harassing the waitresses.
"It's getting really creepy."
I'm like, "Oh Goddamn fine fuck."
And now I'm getting pissed.
So, I get on stage, I start doing my act,
and I see this guy to the right
and all I can see is his face, I can't see his body,
and he looks fucked up,
and I'm like this guy comes to my show, gets drunk,
heckles people, becomes a problem, I'm going to shit on him.
I start shitting on him.
It gets silent and that's when I found out
they had gotten rid of the drunk guy before I got on stage.
And I was shitting on someone with cerebral palsy, yes.
(audience groans)
How did I find that out?
Someone yelled,
"He's got cerebral palsy you fucking asshole."
And I, in a panic go, "So do I."
And then everyone was confused.
Are there two types of cerebral palsy?
Does he have the not-as-bad cerebral palsy?
Does he have the Magic Johnson cerebral palsy?
(audience laughs)
Guys, Magic Johnson's doing better than all of us combined.
Shut the fuck up.