Jake spent most of his life not feeling man enough.
Ever since he was a child, the world told him what it meant to be a real man.
His dad said, “a real man carries on his father’s legacy.”
His brother said, “a real man helps out his brothers.”
His sister said, “a real man protects his sisters.”
His mother said, “a real man takes care of his mother.”
His teachers said, “a real man doesn’t disobey his elders.”
His girlfriends said, “a real man takes care of his future wife and kids.”
His society said, “a real man makes valuable contributions to his society.”
His government said, “a real man sacrifices himself for the good of his country.”
So all of these words combined together in Jake’s mind to form an ideal image called
Masculinity, and he dedicated his life to becoming this ideal image.
For the first thirty-or-so years of his life, he suffered from feelings of not being man
enough.
Even though he was getting richer, stronger, and more respect, there was always someone
who had more of those things than him.
So he would constantly compare himself to them and that made him feel inferior.
But Jake used this inferiority as motivation to reach even higher heights of masculinity.
Eventually, at the age of thirty-one, he achieved his masculine ideal.
His physique was built like a Greek hero’s, he had become a millionaire, he worked a high-status
job, and he was highly respected and valuable to society.
He started to attract people into his life, men and women, that loved him for his masculine
image.
He rolled around with a bunch of other high-status men, and they were all really popular with
women.
He eventually found a wife, but his relationship with her wasn’t a traditional one.
Before they got married, he said to her, “I know what I bring to the table.
I’m a high-value man.
So I can’t be with just one woman.
If you want to be with a man like me, you have to be willing to accept that I’m going
to be with other women too.
I’m a man, and that’s what men do.”
His wife, of course, had bought into this image he had sold her and agreed to the terms.
After all, she wanted to be with a high-value man.
But on his thirty-second birthday, while driving around in his sports car, Jake got into a
really bad car accident.
In fact, he became a quadriplegic.
He lost all of his independence and strength.
He no longer conformed to the image of manhood he had in his mind.
His friends stopped visiting him, because they were too busy to hang around with a low-value
man.
Of course, they didn’t say it like that, but at the end of the day, that’s what it
boiled down too.
They were too busy chasing women, status, money, and power.
What would they get out of hanging out with a man like him—a man who brought nothing
to the table in their eyes?
His wife took care of him for awhile, but she no longer saw him as a masculine man,
and so she fell out of love with him.
She begrudgingly took care of him, but after awhile, she left him in order to take care
of her own mental health.
At least that’s what she said.
So Jake moved back into his parents home.
Jake had fallen into a depression.
How can I live like this, he thought.
I’m not the man I should be anymore.
Who am I if I can’t protect and provide?
What value do I give to the world?
And Jake went on like this for awhile, torturing himself for falling short of his own ideal.
So how can Jake overcome this problem?
Jake can start by realizing that masculinity, as a concept, is a sham.
Ever since he was a child, everyone gave Jake a definition of masculinity that was beneficial
for them.
They just wanted him to be whatever was best for them.
And by becoming what was beneficial for others, he attracted people into his life who only
wanted to use him for the benefits he provided, such as his wife and friends.
As soon as he lost those benefits, his friends and wife threw him aside like a used up sponge.
And when people weren’t defining masculinity as a way to control Jake, they defined it
in a way to raise their own status.
Traditional men, who were rugged and strong, wanted to define masculinity as being rugged
and strong, because then they could continue to receive benefits for simply being what
they already were.
Less traditional men, men who were perhaps skinnier and not as strong, who excelled in
other areas, wanted to redefine masculinity in their own image so that they could receive
benefits for simply being what they already were.
Everyone just wanted to define masculinity in the way that was best for them.
Once Jake see’s that masculinity is a sham ideal, he can give it up in exchange for something
better.
A truly good ideal should allow you to thrive under any circumstance, whether that’s in
poverty, in jail, in sickness, in health, or while disabled.
Any ideal of yourself that can’t sustain you through the toughest ordeals is a false
concept.
It will only make you weaker.
And masculinity is one of those concepts.
So Jake should just forget masculinity.
If he wants an ideal that actually works, here’s one: in every moment, sincerely express
yourself without harming others.
If that means being strong and outgoing, be that.
If that means being introverted and smart, be that.
If that means wearing a suit, do that.
If that means wearing a dress, do that.
He should just be what he is without harming another, that’s it.
If that’s his ideal, he’ll always be good, no matter what happens to him.
Even if he lost all his physicality, if he was thrown in jail, if he had no money, he
always has the ability to sincerely express himself, even if the only physical capacities
he has left are blinking and breathing.
His mere presence in the world and self-expression is enough, and the long-term consequences
of that, owing to the butterfly effect, can never be fully measured.
His sheer presence in the world has an effect that cannot be measured or calculated.
On top of that, he’ll attract people in his life that love him for his sincere self-expression,
and those will be people who are not looking to gain benefits or use him, and so he will
have gained one of the most valuable assets you can have in life: true loving relationships.