We are all like survivors; there is something in it. That’s why we’ve got this disorder.
So like, I think that makes us quite strong people to be able to keep going through it
pretty much every day like. There is always something in part of the day that’s like
arggh. I know that my friends can notice when I’m having a flashback or whatever, they
just know I think. They say my face just changes, the expression in my face just changes and
yes but ... Did they say you’re distant by any chance?
Yes. That you become distant all of a sudden from
the room or ... I become distant and quite scared ...
Yes, I do that. And it’s not like me, I’m quite tough
and all that sort of stuff but actually ... I think you’re pretty tough.
I am pretty tough yes. Anybody else easily startled?
Hyper vigilant and any noise at all I can react to now. When it first used to happen
it would be straight into a panic attack and I’ve sort of averaged them out at maybe
10 an hour when I first sort of, well my second catalyst sort of event. So it was just everything
all the time. It sort of relates to why, whatever happened happened. Now I’m still hyper vigilant
but I won’t go straight into anxiety. My heart will go fast and I’ll go right, I
know what’s happening here and my nerves will sort of burn the back or something or
I’ll feel, I don’t know, I’ll sort of ... I’ll jump. For example, if you’re
watching a film and they put a cheap jump scare in it and I jump and feel all my nerves
are sort of, I don’t know, tingle all the way through my back and then after I have
to slow down my breathing and slow down my heart.
Do you think, because from my perspective, some of the things that have happened to me,
they’re not secrets, but they are not accepted as fact. I find myself fighting that sort
of scenario that these things are not supposed to have happened, but they have happened,
or elements of them are not supposed to happen and I feel like I can’t get resolution until
that is put on the table and is fact and it is accepted as fact. I find myself fighting
that and the ying yang sort of relationship with that over the years.
Basically, I feel like my whole life at the minute is just distraction. I’m keeping
myself safe, keep myself in my flat and do whatever I need to do to distract myself from
whatever is in here. I’ve found a way of doing that by doing
a lot of work. There is no social aspect, it’s just right, I’ll do this course,
right I’ll that now, I’ll do that, it’s constantly doing something.
I think I’ve got a bit of an attitude where it’s kind of keep focused or die. Like,
the way that works for me is, like, I’m full time in sixth form but, like, I also
have, like, a lot of jobs and stuff and, like, I never have down time. The idea of having
down time just makes me panic because I think how do I full that expanse of time. If I’m
busy then I’m not thinking about such and such and so ...
It seems that we’re all busy then to ... Yes, busy bees.
As busy as my body will allow me to be. I’ve found that it affects physical health
as much as mental health as well. Yes I’ve got fibromyalgia.
I have as well. Have you?
They took tests to see if I’ve got that but I don’t think, ... they’re a bit confused
about what’s wrong with me but they said it just could just be linked to the PTSD.
So I think changing the relationship I have with my trauma, with my pain has been, you
know, really helpful in actually kind of like getting closer to it. Let’s face it, it’s
a robber, you know, it robs us of our youthful ... well robbed me anyway. Because I was diagnosed
so late it robbed me of my youthful potential, it robbed me of this, it robbed me of my marriage,
[etc], so I saw it as an enemy and I was on a constant war footing against it. But now
I realise it’s not the enemy, it’s my wound and, you know, that’s changed my relationship
with the pain. It’s distasteful to approach a wound but it doesn’t have the same degree
of fear and loathing and desperation as approaching an enemy has.
I try to think of it like a drug. That it’s not my real feelings at the moment in time
so I can sit there logically and think okay, you feel terrible but if you’ve drunk 10
pints it feels terrible as well. It’s the side effects of something else. You’ve got
to try and ride through this because it’s not real. You know logically where you are
but you know ... You’ve got to step out and [inaudible]
I try that. I’m not saying it always works but I try and have ... I think it’s the
self talk isn’t it, where you try and tell yourself that however you are feeling isn’t,
well they say feelings are not facts you know so.
I don’t like that. I went somewhere and that was basically what they taught and I
found ... I personally felt like it was kind of invalidating everything that I felt. I
personally prefer to just be like, okay I feel like this, I’m going to let myself
feel like this. I don’t have to work out the reason why right now when I’m in the
middle of it, I’m just going to let myself feel like it. Then I might go back and see
when I’m feeling a bit better, why did I feel that that, okay next time I need to protect
myself in this way and whatever ... It depends on what feeling you’re talking
about, because if it’s feelings of self loathing, is that the word, I try and dismiss
them with that sort of scenario. But if it’s feelings about certain scenarios like we said
before, where I need some sort of acceptance from another party then I wouldn’t just
dismiss them because I feel this about that. I think after a trauma it’s difficult to
know what to do with yourself or where you’re at. So I think one way of kind of dealing
with that is to really think about what interested you before the trauma. Even if you were quite
young, was there anything that you wanted to do. Like, I know I have always like music
and somehow that kind of fizzled away, you know, in kind of traumatic stress years. So
I tried to just slowly get back to that. I think that’s been something that has really
helped me and it’s something totally unrelated to the trauma and it’s something I enjoy
so it’s almost kind of like sticking a middle finger up at the trauma and saying "I can still enjoy stuff"
Yes definitely. That middle finger is very important.
When people say to me, you know, you’ve just kind of put it in the past and crack
on. Yes, yes, that’s the one and I just want to say to them, take all of your formative
experiences that have made you you – throw them away, go on you do it. You know, let’s
just chuck them away as if they don’t matter, as if they don’t count, as if like everything
that’s made you yourself really can just be put in the past. You know, it isn’t ... you
know, we do not fixate on the past, we do not dwell on the past and we do not rejoice
or revel in the past. The past kicks down our door, comes rushing in, grabs us by the
throat and starts punching us one. You know, it’s not ... that’s how it is.