>> Stephen: GIVE IT UP FOR THE BAND, EVERYBODY!
RIGHT THERE!
"STAY HUMAN"!
LOUIS CATO, EVERYBODY, ON THE GUITAR SZ.
I HAVE TWO FANTASTIC GUESTS TONIGHT, A FRIEND OF THE SHOW
AND NEW RESIDENT CNN CHRIS WALLACE IS HERE TONIGHT.
PROS APPLAUSE MORE ALPHABET SOUP FROM "NCIS," WILMER VALDERRAMA
IS GOING TO BE OUT HERE IN A BIT.
( APPLAUSE ) , LOUIS, LET'S TALK ABOUT THE
ELEPHANT NOT IN THE ROOM.
WHERE IS JOHN?
>> HE'S LIVING HIS BEST LIFE.
ELEVEN GRAMMY NOMINEES.
>> Stephen: IS IT MONDAY OR SUNDAY.
>> SUNDAY.
>> Stephen: WITH THAT MANY NOMINATIONS, YOU HAVE TO GIVE
THEM OUT AHEAD OF TIME.
>> YEAH.
>> Stephen: HE HAS TO GO OUT ON THE INSTALLMENT PLAN.
DID YOU WATCH THE OSCARS LAST NIGHT?
>> I DID NOT.
I WOKE UP TO IT THIS MORNING.
WHOO!
>> Stephen: YOU KNOW WHO WOKE UP --
( LAUGHTER ) >> CHRIS ROCK.
>> Stephen: CHRIS ROCK.
( LAUGHTER ) WHEN WILL SMITH SLAPPED HIM.
DID YOU THINK THAT WAS REAL?
>> I THINK IT WAS REAL.
>> Stephen: YEAH.
WIWILL'S NOT A GOOD ENOUGH ACTOR TO PULL AT OFF.
( RIM SHOT ) >> WHOA!
>> Stephen: POP!
( LAUGHTER ) THE JANUARY 6TH SELECT COMMITTEE
CONTINUES TO DO THEIR WORK, AND TODAY, THEY GOT SOME GOOD NEWS
THAT SPELLS TROUBLE FOR FORMER PRESIDENT, "DON CON JOVI."
BECAUSE A FEDERAL JUDGE RULED THAT THE FORMER PRESIDENT MORE
LIKELY THAN NOT COMMITTED A CRIME IN TRYING TO BLOCK THE
CONFIRMATION OF BIDEN'S WIN.
I BELIEVE HE CITED THE LEGAL PRECEDENT OF
NO ( BLEEP ) V. SHERLOCK.
( LAUGHTER ) ( APPLAUSE )
THE BOMBSHELL IS PART OF THE ONGOING INVESTIGATION INTO
DISGRACED LAWYER, JOHN EASTMAN, SEEN HERE AT THE STAGED-READING
OF HIS ONE-MAN "DOCTOR WHO" MUSICAL.
( LAUGHTER ) ESTMAN WAS THE LAW PROFESSOR
WHO BELIEVED THAT FORMER VICE PRESIDENT MIKE PENCE COULD JUST
REJECT INDIVIDUAL STATES' ELECTORAL COLLEGE VOTES.
FIRST O ALL, NO.
SECOND OF ALL, YOU WANT TO GIVE SOMEBODY UNLIMITED POWER, AND
YOU PICK MIKE PENCE?
( LAUGHTER ) HE DOESN'T EVEN HAVE THE POWER
TO BE IN A ROOM WITH A WOMAN WHO'S NOT HIS WIFE.
( LAUGHTER ) THE COMMITTEE HAS BEEN TRYING TO
GET EASTMAN'S RECORDS AND EMAILS FOR MONTHS.
HE'S BEEN CLAIMING ATTORNEY-CLIENT PRIVILEGE, BUT
THAT DOESN'T APPLY TO LAWYERS WHO HELP THEIR CLIENTS COMMIT A
CRIME, AND IN THIS CASE, THE JUDGE FOUND THAT THE ILLEGALITY
OF THE PLAN WAS OBVIOUS.
( APPLAUSE ) YES!
HELL, YES!
SAY IT!
EASTMAN PROBABLY SHOULDN'T HAVE LABELED THE FOLDER
"CRIME IDEAS KEEP OUT."
( LAUGHTER ) THE JUDGE ADDED THAT EVERY
AMERICAN -- AND CERTAINLY THE PRESIDENT OF THE UNITED STATES
KNOWS THAT IN A DEMOCRACY, LEADERS ARE ELECTED, NOT
INSTALLED.
NORMALLY, THIS WOULD BE A GREAT POINT.
( APPLAUSE ) I AGREE.
IT'S A LOVELY THING TO SAY, AND NORMALLY THAT WOULD BE A GREAT
POINT, BUT THE FORMER PRESIDENT DOESN'T KNOW TOO MUCH ABOUT THE
AMERICAN GOVERNMENT.
HE THINKS THE SUPREME COURT IS JUST A REGULAR COURT WITH EXTRA
SOUR CREAM AND GUAC.
( LAUGHTER ) THANKS TO THIS NEW RULING
EASTMAN HAS BEEN ORDERED TO TURN OVER 101 EMAILS.
HELL, YES!
THEY'RE GETTING HIS EMAILS!
NOW THE COMMITTEE'S GOING TO KNOW WHETHER THE FORMER
PRESIDENT TRIED TO TURN OUR COUNTRY INTO A BANANA REPUBLIC -
AND THEY'LL KNOW IF BANANA REPUBLIC OFFERED EASTMAN 40% OFF
SELECTED MEN'S SEPARATES.
( LAUGHTER ) IT'S A GOOD DEAL.
FOR THE SPRING.
( APPLAUSE ) ANOTHER PERSON IN THE JAN 6TH
COMMITTEE IS INTERESTED IN TALKING TO IS THE WIFE OF
SUPREME COURT JUSTICE CLARENCE THOMAS, CONSERVATIVE ACTIVIST
AND WOMAN DREAMING OF AN EVEN MORE AGGRESSIVE SCARF, GINNI
THOMAS.
THOMAS IS AN EXTREME ELECTION FRAUD TRUTHER, AND LAST
THURSDAY, WE FOUND OUT THAT AFTER THE ELECTION, SHE
SENT A BARRAGE OF TEXTS IMPLORING THE FORMER PRESIDENT'S
CHIEF OF STAFF, MARK MEADOWS, TO TKE STEPS TO OVERTURN THE VOTE.
MEADOWS THAT IS HUGE.
THE WIFE OF A SITTING SUPREME COURT JUSTICE CONSPIRED WITH THE
PRESIDENT'S CHIEF OF STAFF TO THROW OUT THE RESULTS OF A FREE
AND FAIR ELECTION.
AND SHE NEVER EVEN INVENTED A PILLOW.
( LAUGHTER ) IN ONE MESSAGE -- HOW HARD COULD
IT BE TO INVENT A PILLOW?
PUT SOMETHING IN SOMETHING ELSE AND LIE ON IT.
( LAUGHTER ) IN ONE, THOMAS URGED MEADOWS TO
"SAVE US FROM THE LEFT TAKING AMERICA DOWN" AND TO, "RELEASE
THE KRAKEN."
( LAUGHTER ) A REFERENCE TO THE B-MOVIE,
"CLASH OF THE TITANS."
WE SHOULD HAVE KNOWN THE SOUND OF TREASON WOULD BE A RANDOM
MOVIE QUOTE.
WHO CAN FORGET THE WORDS OF JOHN WILKES BOOTH?
SIC SEMPER TYRANNIS.
THIS IS SPARTA YOU CAN'T HANDLE THE TRUTH!
(AS BORAT) MY WIIIIIFE
MY WIIIIIFE MY WIIIIIFE
( APPLAUSE ) NOT ALL OF THOMAS'S TEXTS WERE
SUCCINCT, BECAUSE SHE ALSO QUOTED LANGUAGE FROM RANDOM
WEBSITES THAT SAID BIDEN CRIME FAMILY AND BALLOT
FRAUD CO-CONSPIRATORS -- FAKE STREAM MEDIA REPORTERS, ETC --
ARE BEING ARRESTED & DETAINED FOR BALLOT FRAUD RIGHT NOW &
OVER COMING DAYS, AND WILL BE LIVING IN BARGES OFF GITMO TO
FACE MILITARY TRIBUNALS FOR SEDITION, AND THEN SHE ADDED:
I HOPE THIS IS TRUE.
( LAUGHTER ) WHAT?
YOU CAN'T PUT OUT THAT MUCH INFORMATION AND THEN UNDERCUT IT
WITH A "HUH"?
DARWIN DIDN'T END THE ORIGIN OF THE SPECIES WITH:
HUGE IF TRUE.
( LAUGHTER ) WE'LL BE RIGHT BACK WITH CHRIS
WALLACE.
( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ) ( BAND PLAYING )