- You know what we get a lot of in movies and TV?
People cheating.
I mean, that happens a lot in real life as well,
but I want to see more people being faithful.
There was one such instance
where I was in a movie theater,
and a scene was playing out.
I'm like, he's going to cheat on his wife, blah, blah, blah.
'Cause men, can't control themselves
when women come onto them, blah, blah, blah.
And it went differently.
(upbeat music)
As I was saying, okay, now
I know there's a lot of stereotypes
about women in movies that drive women,
women that I know, it drives them crazy.
Like all these stereotypes of women.
Let me tell you a stereotype about men I cannot stand
is that men have no self control, even worse.
Men buy into it. Men use this idea,
"I'm just a man" as an excuse
for doing all sorts of terrible stuff and breaking hearts.
There's a great, well, it's not a great song.
It's a catchy song.
The lyrics are kind of terrible.
It's called "Whatcha Say" by Jason Derulo.
And in that song, he says
(upbeat music begins)
♪ I was so wrong for so long ♪
♪ Only tryin' to please myself ♪
♪ Girl, I was caught up in her lust ♪
♪ When I don't really want no one else ♪
That was probably terrible.
"I was caught up in her lust."
If you actually listen to the whole song
all the way through, it's super catchy,
but what a terrible idea.
I was caught up in her lust.
That suggests, hey,
I know I'm in a relationship with you.
And like, that's what the song goes on to say,
I should have treated you better.
We, you and me were meant to last forever.
And so he's like, take me back,
even though I did this.
And it just blows my mind
because the whole idea is well,
I know we're in a committed relationship,
but she threw herself at me and I'm just a man,
I'm just doing what men do.
What was I supposed to say?
No?
(laughing)
Oh, that is what I was supposed to say.
Oh, okay.
Cool. Cool.
Cool. Cool, cool, cool, cool.
Cool. All right.
So saying no is something men are capable of doing.
In the movie "Big Fish",
Ewan McGregor plays a traveling salesman
who's happily married.
And he comes across this small town
that he knew in his youth,
and one of his childhood best friends.
She is now, I can't remember if she's divorced or widowed,
but she was married.
And then her life fell apart,
and her house is falling apart.
And so he stays to help fix up her house
with the tools that he's selling.
And he thinks it's just this great friendship.
And when he finishes the house
and it's time for him to hit the road again,
this is what happens.
Get out of there, man.
She's making those bedroom eyes. He doesn't even see it.
- Well.
- You could leave it there.
- You can stay. Here I am in the theater.
I'm like, oh gosh, another man can't control himself.
It's a beautiful love story with him and his wife,
it's going to be ruined now.
And I was rolling my eyes and I was like,
this movie's about to ruined for me.
And then.
- No.
Now don't, don't be embarrassed.
I should never have let you think-
I'm in love with my wife.
- Yeah I know.
- And from the first day I saw her till the day I die.
She's the only one.
- Lucky girl.
- So there's me in the theater.
And here's something you have to know.
I'm kind of known as the movie Nazi,
like the soup Nazi on Seinfeld
where he's like no soup for you, in the movie theater.
I will shush people. I will tell them,
hey, I paid $8 to watch the movie,
not to hear your commentary.
I will tell people that I'm going to get them kicked out.
I've almost had a couple of parking lot encounters
over this.
It may not be my finest trait.
But, I'm somebody who reveres the sanctuary
of the movie theater.
And when this happened,
I literally stood up and I went yeah!
And then I'm like, sorry, sorry, and sat down.
Because you almost never see it.
Now this speaks to a great truth.
You always have the power and the self control to choose.
Now you might say he shouldn't have been there
in the first place spending all this time with her.
You know, he kind of let her on, made her,
let her think some things.
Valid, that's valid.
But the fact is, he said no.
Now I want to talk about how to stay faithful
to your spouse.
Because odds are, you're going to have some temptations.
You may have other opportunities.
You may have people that you feel,
listen to you better, understand you more.
You may not feel especially wanted,
loved, attractive at home.
You may feel rejected.
The fact is whether you're faithful or not
depends on your integrity.
So, you work on your relationship.
Couples counseling.
There's great books, podcasts, YouTube channels,
but in most cases where it's serious enough,
you need to get a trained counselor
who can help you through things
so that you can reconnect.
What's more is if the relationship isn't going to work,
it's better to be done and then move on,
then to move on before it's done,
because it comes down to who you are.
When it comes to flirtations
or when it comes to other friendships
or interactions with other people,
ask yourself the question:
Would my partner be okay with how we're interacting
and how we're talking to each other?
If they were watching us or if they were
reading what we were writing,
if they saw this, would they be okay?
If there's anything you feel you need to keep a secret
from your partner, you're crossing some lines.
And take it from millions of people before you.
It is a slippery slope from there.
We can stay faithful. Both men and women.
Is monogamy natural?
No. What?
I actually don't think it is. Stay with me for a second.
I don't think it's natural.
I think the natural thing is to probably
we're attracted to a lot of people
to be with a lot of people.
That's the natural drive.
But because something is natural,
doesn't mean it's the best thing for us or it's moral.
If someone insults me,
it's natural for me to punch them in the face.
If I want something from a store and I can't afford it,
it's natural for me to want to steal it.
Natural doesn't mean moral.
Natural doesn't mean highest and best life,
and monogamy or being in a healthy committed relationship.
Or if we have polyamorous people who are joining us today.
There are similar rules. You draw boundaries.
There's still trust. There's still, we have this contract.
This is how this operates.
Trust is everything in a relationship,
and you can stay faithful.
If you lock your heart.
If someone tries to flirt with you,
instead of thinking, oh that's nice and it's harmless,
shut it down and shut it down hard.
I've actually done that before.
And it's kind of awesome.
(laughing)
I felt really good.
Someone told me in therapy that I looked,
that I was very handsome.
And I said, we're not, we're not going to go there.
And they said, what, I can't pay you a compliment?
And I said, you can tell me I'm a good therapist,
but we actually have a relationship.
We see each other every week, and you calling me handsome,
takes us a step into a place that could be harmless,
but it's not an area I'm ever looking to explore.
And I'll give you the benefit of the doubt
that you didn't mean anything by it.
But I'm just drawing my boundary,
because this is how I live my life.
Draw your boundaries.
Know what your boundaries are.
Know what you and your partner are comfortable with.
And if there's ever a time that you're feeling tempted,
talk to your partner about how to be closer,
because that is the best cure.
I'm Jonathan Decker, the movie therapist.
Be sure to check out our latest episode
on the Incredibles, and vulnerability.
If you like what I'm doing here,
go ahead and share this with your friends.
Spread it around.
Tell everyone about Mended Light.
We are here to help you fix the light
that sometimes feels broken inside of you
through trauma, through hardship, through temptation.
If you have ideas for other movies
you'd like for me to cover here,
go ahead and sound off in the comments.
Other moments that you'd like for me to highlight,
I'd love to address them, and yeah.
How to stay faithful to your partner.
Your thoughts, ideas, questions all down below.
I'm Jonathan Decker, the movie therapist
here for Mended Light,
and we'll see you next time.
(upbeat music)