[typing] [blues music]
You know, I haven't reviewed a good *bad* game in a while.
And you could hardly go worse than the ones from HeadGames in the late '90s.
So let's get right to another one.
Extreme Wintersports,
developed by Hammer Technologies and published by HeadGames in 1999
for Windows PCs.
Well, SOME Windows PCs, at least.
I actually tried to get this working on four different computers before I found a FIFTH one
that would run it without crashing.
"It's time to get extreme!"
HeadGames, K2, and Arctic Cat have teamed up to bring you
a pathetic pile of junk,
featuring graphics,
sponsorships,
website links.
And yeah, this box is still sealed,
having wisely been untouched by its previous owner for almost 18 years.
I'm going to risk unleashing some ancient curse in opening this thing up, though.
And like other HeadGames garbage,
all you get inside is a jewel case with a CD
and an ad for more HeadGames garbage.
It's like they were actually proud of this stuff.
I mean, I take a bunch of craps too,
but you don't see ME making a photo compilation of them.
HeadGames, though, they had no shame.
And in case you're not familiar with them,
this is the company that brought us the masterworks
of Extreme PaintBrawl,
Extreme Bullrider
and Extreme Boards & Blades.
All of which could easily fight for the title
of the least-competent sports game in existence.
Extreme Wintersports, though,
begins with a heavily compressed intro video that appears to have been sourced
from a shoddy VHS tape.
And before you know it, it's over.
shoving you on to the main menu
alongside some utterly forgettable RAWK music.
[crappy, generic "rock" in-game music]
From here, you can enter the pro shop,
proudly sponsored by Arctic Cat and K2.
And yeah, inside it makes it immediately apparent
that branding is pretty much the only reason this game exists.
In here, you can click on items around the shop
and browse the catalog of equipment and merchandise from our sponsors.
Including snowmobiles, skis, jackets, goggles
and all sorts of accessories and trinkets
that have absolutely no bearing on the gameplay whatsoever.
A majority of this stuff doesn't even appear in the game outside of this virtual catalog.
It's just here to suddenly let you know that you've made a huge mistake
and somebody is making money off of it! Heh heh.
Ah, man, I'm gettin' the warm and fuzzies inside.
Clicking the door lets you actually play the game.
And here, you're given the option to play multiplayer,
competition mode, or...
[soulful "Extreme Rock Climbing" announcer voice clip] "Practice mode~"
There are three sports to try of the "snow" variety–
skiing, mobiling and boarding–
each of which begins with another ripped VHS tape intro.
Then make your binary gender choice,
select an equipment and track option, and off you go!
[camera-recorded PC speakers playing same crappy in-game "rock" music]
[in-game announcer]: "Three!"
[in-game announcer]: "One!"
[in-game announcer]: "Go!!"
[recorded LGR]: [bursts out in hysterical laughter]
(this was legit my first reaction)
[recorded LGR]: "How do these games keep getting worse?!"
[laughs even harder]
[LGR, VO]: [chuckes] It turns out, this game has a bit of a problem
when it comes to performance.
Even on a system that easily exceeds the recommended specs,
it's gone from being measured in frames per second
to seconds per frame!
Impressive, in a way.
Obviously something was up, so I tried the included MMX graphics mode
and it didn't run much better,
even though it was lacking all the textures.
[laughs]
And is it just me, or is this kind of an improvement to the game's aesthetic?
Kind of like a low-fi, minimalist representation
of winter sporting events.
This could be an indie Greenlight darling in no time!
Anyway, the best option I found on my 233 MHz Pentium II system
with a 16 MB Voodoo3 card
is Direct3D HAL mode, which makes sense,
but even with everything cranked down as low as it'll go,
it STILL doesn't run very well.
Not that I really care enough to keep screwing with it any longer and make it any smoother
because no matter what, the gameplay is one big pile of farts.
So the overall goal of Extreme Wintersports is...
to waste your time.
I'm not even being hyperbolic.
This is a game that has absolutely no goal whatsoever
and it makes you feel bad doing it.
There's no narrative, nothing to unlock,
no sporting events to take part in.
There aren't even any AI characters to play with
or compare your times against.
Nope, you're either playing all alone
or you're playing with another human being locally
or over modem or LAN with multiplayer.
And if you can actually find another person that willfully plays this with you, then hold them.
Hold them close.
Buy them a present and tell them they're the best, because my God!
Alright, so the mechanics are as primitive
as the gameplay.
There are buttons for moving forward, backward, left and right–
surprisingly–
and sometimes even an option for jumping.
But forget everything you know about actual physics interactions or momentum
because they don't exist!
You can stop and go in an instant,
smacking into walls will rapidly push you in a random direction,
and you'll find yourself constantly fighting the level geometry,
getting stuck and falling victim to weird boundary boxes left and right.
It doesn't matter if you're on a snowmobile, skiing or snowboarding
because every single mode follows the same stupid rules
that don't make any sense except here in this messed-up HeadGames world.
There is at least an option to play in first-person mode,
which actually does help the performance a bit.
But it makes the gameplay even worse, somehow.
And it keeps getting worse if you play the snowboarding mode
that allows you to perform tricks and stunts.
At least it allows this in theory,
since it uses a cryptic key combination and timing scheme
that makes the Enigma Code look like a drug store crossword puzzle.
And when you do pull off a stunt, I mean, so what?
It's not like you're rewarded with anything but more crappy gameplay.
And you know how you can choose male or female characters?
Well, Extreme Wintersports goes above and beyond when it comes to equality.
Here's the male player's voice...
[in-game male voice]: "Cool!"
And here's the female voice...
[same voice]: "Cool!"
Heh heh! I'll give them the benefit of the doubt and say they ran out of time.
Although apparently they had plenty of time to make the lady snowboarder
go outside in a bra and a G-string.
SO EXTREME!
And if it wasn't obvious how much of a sucker you are
for continuing to play this game,
any time you screw up, you'll be greeted with this:
[in-game male voice]: "Ah, you loser!"
...Or this:
[in-game buzzer sound clip] [in-game male voice]: "Too bad, dude!"
"You loser!"
You know, with this many utterances of the word "loser" throughout the game,
it really makes me wonder about the mindset of some of the people developing this.
Or at the very least a warning sign that the person playing
has made poor choices when buying this game.
[in-game male voice] "You loser!" "You loser!" "You loser!"
And that is Extreme Wintersports.
It runs awfully, it plays even worse,
and it even fails at its central mission
of piquing my interest in its corporate sponsors
of Arctic Chill or K9,
or whatever those companies were.
Oddly enough, it's still not the worst offender in the HeadGames library,
but that's a little bit like saying Gary Ridgway
isn't the worst serial killer in history.
It's still patently awful and makes me wanna gag at the mere thought.
But still, it was released, critically panned and forgotten,
and provides a fun piece of cannon fodder for YouTubers to facepalm at.
The world may never see another Extreme Wintersports again,
and we can thank our lucky stars for that.
Oh, what the f***, there's a SEQUEL?! (sort of!)
[keyboard music]
You know, I'm not entirely sure when I'm gonna get around to covering the follow up to this,
but it's gonna happen, so stay tuned.
Or check out some of these other videos
if you would care to watch these other videos.
Because I make these other videos.
And as always, thank you very much for watching.