(light upbeat music)
- When I think about who I was as a person
before I came out, a lot of it was me trying to be
this person that I knew that I wasn't.
- I think the most important word
that jumps out of me is closed off.
I think I was trying to hide so much.
- I remember thinking this was the worst thing
that could have happened to me
and that God hated me, or something like that.
And I remember going to church and being like;
Oh my God, I don't know what's wrong with me
but I know I'm not normal.
Please help me out.
- I never really opened up to anyone.
I had a really hard time.
Pretty much just kept a wall between me
and even my closest friends.
If we ever were having a conversation about being gay,
I would always overreact and be like; oh no, that's gross.
So people would absolutely not think anything about me.
- In the job that I had I worked in kind of
a corporate world and I didn't feel comfortable
sharing my sexual identity with the people
that I worked with.
I would wear cute leather flats and skirts and I hated it.
It was what I thought I need to do to survive.
- I love things like dance and figure skating.
And I could speak the language and I could play the game
as far as how to present myself physically
with clothes and makeup, and hair.
- Little things would trigger me back then
to feel really uncomfortable and really in my head.
For instance, I remember freshman year.
If I was sitting eating lunch with a group of girls
I would feel insecure
because I would feel like guys were looking at me thinking;
oh, look at that guy, he's fucking gay.
- I was very shy, I was very reserved.
I didn't like opening up to people.
I always felt like I couldn't be my true self.
I'd feel fine that I'm passing
and people aren't saying stuff about me.
But on the inside, I would feel crushed.
- A few years before I came out I started dating a woman
and in a very committed relationship
before anybody really knew.
Sometimes it felt like we were playing pretend
or that we couldn't hold hands in public, or we couldn't
just be like; oh, let me tell my friend about my girlfriend
'cause it's this really cool and exciting thing
that's happening in my life.
And not being able to do that for years
just because I was afraid of what was going to happen
was so hard.
- It took a lot to convince myself
that I wasn't gonna to to hell.
I had to do a lot of work around those years
between 17 and 20, 21 to really find out who I was
on my own outside of all of those things.
At a certain point I couldn't keep lying anymore.
I couldn't keep saying; no, that's not me.
- I had a girlfriend senior year of high school
that I very much liked.
For a long time I tried to hide it.
I was like; well, if I can date a girl,
I could just always ignore the other side of me
that's attracted to guys.
Because I was still confused.
I wasn't even sure what I was or what I wanted to be.
Me and her broke up and I actually registered
for a bunch of LGBT classes in college.
Before I came out I wanted to have resources and information
so that people couldn't tear me down.
Once I understood that I wasn't wrong,
then I was like; okay, I'm ready to come out
and if somebody wants to challenge me, I'm gonna be like;
no, here is why.
I know what the fuck is going on in my head.
- My mom was the biggest person I knew I needed to tell
before I could feel like I officially came out.
And it could go one of two ways.
Either she would see me as her daughter
and she would love me and it would be okay.
Or the horror stories that you hear.
I was bouncing back and forth between those two thoughts
of I hope she still loves me.
- Before coming out to my family and the world at large
was slowly coming out and finding other adults in the world
that I could talk to who were very accepting.
Other out queer people, adults,
and finding a reference point so I knew that no matter what
I had a future, that I was gonna be okay.
That even in my community, even if I didn't see
those role models, those people thriving, I knew that they
were out there somewhere.
I just had to get out there.
- I finally got to a point in my relationship
where I knew we weren't gonna get anywhere until I came out,
until we both came out.
And it's gonna suck, and it might hurt,
and it might be really detrimental to some relationships
in our lives, but it's gonna be better in the long run.
I was in a safe space, I was in a safe environment
where I was able to come out.
And I was fortunate enough to have a mom who listened.
- The way I came out to my mom,
she took it the hardest out of everyone.
But I felt like I had the resources to help her understand
what it was and what it meant.
And help her through this process because I understand
that for her it's probably really hard.
- So we were actually on a long two hourish car ride home.
I really need to get this off my chest.
Everything I pretty much thought
she would think and say, she did.
At points it got even worse
that what I thought it would get.
It was pretty devastating.
It's the kind of stuff that you hear in media all the time
and in TV of these extreme stories about families
kicking their kids out for being gay.
Or just saying these really awful things.
To hear that coming out of your own mom's mouth
is almost a surreal experience.
Even though it didn't go the way I was hoping,
it still helped me grow as a person
and I wouldn't trade it for the world.
- I can't imagine my adult life without coming out.
I can't imagine if I was still that person
that I was trying to pretend to be.
And I think the difference between then verses now
is that I'm my full self.
- Now I finally get to really figure out
who I am as a person.
And who I'm gonna be as a person for the rest of my life.
Being gay isn't just about who you like
and who you're attracted to.
And when you feel comfortable in your clothes
and in your skin, people can tell.
And I think you look through life differently
and you walk through life more confidently.
And for me it's really changed who I am.
- People would be drawn to me more because those walls
that I had built and kept up for so long
for people to not know anything about me
was starting to fade and people could see the real me
and they gravitated toward that.
And it made me feel good
that people can genuinely like me for me.
- The biggest thing for me has been the acceptance that
people have for you.
Now I'm just myself.
I think I'm just more relaxed.
It really, really is a weight off your shoulders.
- We all think we have crazy dreams.
But if you really believe that this is something
that's genuine for you and true for you,
and something that you really want,
you should never stop yourself.
Just know that there's other people like you out there.
Please find other people that can be your support system.
- Coming out means that you're ready
to just tell the world what you are.
And sometimes you're not, sometimes you don't even know
what you are.
It takes years to find out what you are.
And it's okay for you to say;
I'm figuring it out and we'll see.
And if you don't feel
like it's safe for you to come out, don't.
But do work with yourself.
If you're struggling with coming out, there's no rush.
Time your time.
- There's no one right way to do it.
It might go really well, it might not go really well.
It is a moment that you deserve to choose for yourself.
Never let anyone make you feel like you have to come out
when you're not ready to.
I hope it's something that everyone gets to experience.
And if you don't get to experience that
because you're not in a place or a position to do so,
then that's okay, we still love you.
You are still part of this community.
And you are no less recognized for it.
You are no less of a queer person for it.
And we're here to celebrate who you are as a person
regardless of whether you can come out or not.
- There's a mountain of obstacles.
But if you keep trying and you keep talking to people,
and you keep reaching out, and you keep working as hard
as you possibly can, you will find your spot.
And you will find your safe space.
It is out there.
Do not give up.