so a while ago I tried an experiment for
one year I would say yes to all the
things that scared me anything that made
me nervous
took me out of my comfort zone I forced
myself to say yes to did I want to speak
in public no but yes did I want to be on
live TV no but yes did I want to try
acting no no no but yes yes yes and a
crazy thing happened the very act of
doing the thing that scared me
undid the fear made it not scary my fear
of public speaking my social anxiety
poof gone it's amazing the power of one
word yes changed my life
yes changed me but there was one
particular yes that affected my life in
the most profound way in a way I never
imagined and it started with a question
from my toddler I have these three
amazing daughters Harper Becket and
Emerson and ever since a toddler who
inexplicably refers to everyone as honey
as though she's a southern waitress
honey I'm going to need some milk from
my sippy cup
the southern waitress asked me to play
with her one evening when I was on my
way somewhere and I said yes
and that yes was the beginning of a new
way of life for my family I made a vow
that from now on every time what if my
children asks me to play no matter what
I'm doing or where I'm going I say yes
every single time almost I'm not perfect
at it but I try hard to practice it and
it's had a magical effect on me
on my children on our family but it's
also had a stunning side effect and it
wasn't until recently that I fully
understood it that I understood that
saying yes to playing with my children
likely saved my career see I have what
most people would call a dream job I'm a
writer I imagine I make stuff up for a
living dream job no I'm a Titan dream
job I create television I executive
produced television I make television a
great deal of television in one way or
another this TV season I'm responsible
for bringing about 70 hours of
programming to the world for television
programs 70 hours of TV three shows in
production at a time sometimes for each
show creates hundreds of jobs that
didn't exist before the budget for one
episode of network television can be
anywhere from three to six million
dollars let's just say five a new
episode made every nine days times for
show so every nine days at twenty
million dollars worth of television four
television programs seventy hours of TV
three shows in production at a time
sometimes for 16 episodes going on at
all times 24 episodes of Grey's 21
episodes of scandal 15 episodes how to
get away with murder two episodes the
catch that's 70 hours of TV that's 350
million dollars for a season in America
my television shows are back to back to
back on Thursday night around the world
my shows there are 256 territories and
67 languages for an audience of 30
million people my brain is global and 45
hours of that 70 hours of TV our shows I
personally created and not just produce
so on top of everything else I need to
find time real quiet creative time to
gather my fans around the campfire and
tell my stories for television programs
70 hours of TV three shows in production
at a time sometimes for 350 million
dollars
fires burning all over the world you
know who else is doing that nobody so
like I said I'm a Titan dream job now I
don't tell you this to impress you I
tell you this because I know what you
think of when you hear the word writer I
tell you this so that all of you out
there who worked so hard whether you run
a company or a country or a classroom or
a store or a home take me seriously when
I talk about working so you'll get that
I don't Peck at a computer and imagine
all day so you'll hear me when I say
that I understand that a dream job is
not about dreaming it's all job all work
all reality all blood all sweat no tears
I work a lot very hard and I love it
when I am hard at work when I am deep in
it there is no other feeling for me my
work is at all times building a nation
out of thin air it is Manning the troops
it is painting a canvas it is hitting
every high note it is running a marathon
it is being Beyonce and it is all of
those things at the same time I love
working it is creative and mechanical
and exhausting and exhilarating and
hilarious and disturbing and clinical
and maternal and cruel and judicious and
what makes it also good is the hum there
is some kind of shift inside me when the
work gets good a hum begins in my brain
and it grows and it grows and that hum
sounds like the open road and I could
drive it forever
and a lot of people when I try to
explain the hum they assume that I'm
talking about the writing that my
writing brings me joy and don't get me
wrong it does but the hum it wasn't
until I started making television that I
started working working and making and
building and creating and collaborating
that I discovered this thing this buzz
this rush this hum the hum is more than
writing the hum is action and activity
the hum is a drug the hum is music the
hum is light and air the hum is God's
whisper right in my ear and when you
have a hum like that you can't help but
strive for greatness
that feeling you can't help but stifle
greatness at any cost that's called the
hum or maybe it's called being a
workaholic maybe it's called genius
maybe it's called ego maybe it's just
fear of failure I don't know I just know
that I'm not built for failure and I
just know that I love the hum I just
know that I want to tell you I'm a Titan
and I know that I don't want to question
it but here's the thing the more
successful I become the more shows the
more episodes the more barriers broken
the more work there is to do the more
balls in the air the more eyes on me the
more history stares the more
expectations there are the more I work
to be successful the more I need to work
and what did I say about work I love
working write the nation I'm building
the marathon i'm running the troops the
canvas the high note the hum the hum the
hum I like that hum I love that hum I
need that hum I am that hum am i nothing
but that hum and then the hum stopped
overworked overused overdone burned-out
the hum stopped now my three daughters
are used to the truth that their mother
is a single working Titan Harper tells
people my mom won't be there but you can
text my nanny and Emerson says honey I'm
wanting to go to shondaland they're
children of a Titan their baby titans
they were 12 three and one when the hum
stopped the hum of the engine died I
stopped loving work
I couldn't restart the engine the hum
would not come back my hum was broken I
was doing the same things I always did
all the same Titan work 15 hour days
working straight through the weekends no
regrets never surrender a Titan never
sleeps a Titan never quits full hearts
clear eyes nada whatever but there was
no hum
inside me with silence for television
program 70 hours of TV which shows in
production at a time sometimes for for
television programs
70 hours of TV shows in production at
the time sometimes for I was the perfect
Titan I was a Titan you could take home
to your mother all the colors were the
same and I was no longer having any fun
and it was my life it was all I did I
was the hum and the hum was me so what
do you do in the thing you do the work
you love starts to taste like dust now I
know somebody's out there thinking cry
me a river stupid writer Titan lady but
you know you do if you make if you work
if you love what you do being a teacher
being a banker being a mother being a
painter being Bill Gates if you simply
love another person if that gives you
the hum if you know the hum if you know
what the hum feels like if you have been
to the hum when the hum stops who are
you what are you what am I am I still a
Titan if the song of my heart ceases to
play can I survive in the silence and
then my southern waitress toddler asks
me a question I'm on my way out the door
I'm late and she says mama want to play
and I'm just about to say no when I
realized two things one I'm supposed to
say yes to everything and to my southern
waitress didn't call me honey
she's not calling everyone honey anymore
when did that happen
I'm missing it being a Titan than
mourning my hum and here she is changing
right before my eyes and so she says
mama want to play and I say yes there's
nothing special about it we play and
we're joined by her sisters and there's
a lot of laughing and I give a dramatic
reading from the book everybody poops
nothing out of the ordinary
and yet it is extraordinary because in
my pain and my panic in the homelessness
of my homelessness I have nothing to do
but pay attention I focus I am still the
nation on building the marathon i'm
running the troops the canvass the high
note does not exist
all that exists are sticky fingers and
gooey kisses and tiny voices and crayons
and that song about letting go of
whatever it is that frozen girl needs to
let go of it's all peace and simplicity
the air is so rare in this place for me
that I can barely breathe I can barely
believe I'm breathing play is the
opposite of work and I am happy
something in me loosens a door in my
brain swings open and a rush of energy
comes and it's not instantaneous but it
happens it does happen I feel it a hum
creeps back not at full volume barely
there
it's quiet not to stay very still to
hear it but it is there not the hum but
a hum and now I feel like I know a very
magical secret well let's not get
carried away it's just love that's all
it is no magic no secret it's just love
just something we forgot the hum the
work hum the hum of the Titan that's
just a replacement if I have to ask you
who I am if I have to tell you who I am
if I describe myself in terms of shows
and hours of television and how globally
badass my brain is I have forgotten what
the real hum is the hum is not power and
the hum is not work specific the hum is
joy specific the real hum is love
specific the hum is the electricity that
comes from being excited by life the
real hum is confidence and peace the
real hum ignores the stare of history
and the balls in the air and the
expectation and the pressure the real
calm is singular and original
the real hum is God's whisper in my ear
but maybe God was whispering the wrong
words because which one of the gods was
telling me I was a Titan it's just love
we could all use a little more love a
lot more love anytime my child asked me
to play I will say yes I make it a firm
rule for one reason to give myself
permission to free me from all of my
workaholic guilt it's a law so I don't
have a choice and I don't have a choice
not if I want to feel the hum I wish it
were that easy but I'm not good at
playing I don't like it I'm not
interested in doing it the way I am
interested in doing work the truth is
incredibly humbling and humiliating to
face I don't like playing I work all the
time
because I like working I like working
more than I like being at home
facing that fact is incredibly difficult
to handle because what kind of person
likes working more than being at home
well me I mean let's be honest I call
myself a Titan I've got issues
and one of those issues isn't that I am
too relaxed we run around the yard up
and back and up and back we have 30
second dance parties we sing show tunes
we play with balls I've loved bubbles
and they pop them and I feel stiff and
delirious and confused most of the time
ih from my cell phone always but it is
ok my tiny human show me how to live and
the hum of the universe fills me up I
play and I play until I begin to wonder
why we ever stopped playing in the first
place you can do it to say yes every
time your child asks you to play are you
thinking maybe that I'm an idiot and
diamond shoes you're right but you can
still do this you have time you know why
because you're not Rihanna and you're
not a muppet your child does not think
you're that interesting
you only need 15 minutes my two and
four-year-old only ever want to play
with me for about 15 minutes or so
before they think to themselves they
want to do something else it's an
amazing 15 minutes but it's 15 minutes
I'm not a ladybug or a piece of candy
I'm invisible
after 15 minutes and my 13 year old if I
can get a 13 year old to talk to me for
15 minutes
I'm parent of the year 15 minutes is all
you need I can totally pull off 15
minutes of uninterrupted time on my
worst day uninterrupted is the key no
cell phone no laundry no anything you
have a busy life get dinner on the table
you have to force them to bathe but you
can do 15 minutes my kids are my happy
place they're my world but it doesn't
have to be your kids the fuel that feeds
your hum the place where life feels more
good than not good it's not about
playing with your kids it's about joy
it's about playing in general give
yourself the 15 minutes find what makes
you feel good just figure it out and
play in that arena I'm not perfect at it
in fact I fail as often as I succeed
seeing friends reading books staring
into space one a place starts to become
shorthand for indulging myself in ways
I'd given up on right around the time I
got my first TV show right around the
time I became a Titan in training right
around the time I started competing with
myself for ways unknown 15 minutes what
could be wrong with giving myself my
full attention for 15 minutes turns out
nothing the very act of not working has
made it possible for the hum to return
as if the hums engine could only refuel
while I was away work doesn't work
without play it takes a little time but
after a few months one day the
floodgates open and there's a rush and I
find myself standing in my office filled
with an unfamiliar melody full on groove
inside me and around me and it sends me
spinning with ideas and the humming road
is open and I can drive it and drive it
and I love working again but now I like
that hum but I don't love that hum I
don't need that hum I am NOT that hum
that hum is not me not anymore
I am bubbles and sticky fingers and
dinners with friends I am that hum
life's hum love's hum works hum is still
a piece of me it is just no longer all
of me and I am so grateful and I don't
give a crap about being a Titan because
I've never once seen a Titan play Red
Rover Red Rover I said yes to less work
and more play and somehow I still run my
world my brain is still global my
campfire still burned the more I play
the happier I am and happier my kids are
the more I play the more I feel like a
good mother the more I play the free or
my mind becomes the more I play the
better I work the more I play the more I
feel the hum the nation on building the
marathon i'm running the troops the
canvass the hideout the hum the hum the
other hum the real hum life's hum the
more I feel that hum the more this
strange quivering unka tuned awkward
brand new alive non Titan feels like me
the more I feel that hum
I Know Who I am I'm a writer I make
stuff up I imagine that part of the job
that's living the dream that's the dream
of the job because a dream job should be
a little bit dreaming I said yes
to less work and more play Titans need
not apply
want to play thank you
you