- At this point, we all know that being liked
is an evolutionary urge,
embedded in our DNA to keep us safe in numbers.
What do you mean you don't like me?
- You can't survive with us anymore.
- Find a new cave.
- I put so much freaking work into this cave!
I just finished the west wall!
- Yeah, we're washing that off the moment you leave.
- Which is now.
- You guys can't kick me out.
Mr. Snuggles is clearly grumpy and hungry,
he's gonna try to take a bite out of me.
- Hmm, that sounds like a you problem.
- Pack your rock and bones and go.
- Fine, I don't wanna live
with a couple of Homo erectuses anyway.
(gasps)
- You know we're Neanderthals!
- Yeah, keep telling yourself that.
- So rude. - Hopefully, she'll die.
- Humanity has so many things
that we've developed over millions of years
that are now useless,
what are known as evolutionary leftovers:
the appendix, the tailbone, wisdom teeth,
muscle fibers that produce goosebumps, our inner voice.
We developed an inner voice
so that we could analyze the past
and prepare for the future,
but in contemporary times, this incessant chatter,
this introspection, this consciousness
is a huge source of suffering.
- [Inner Voice] Wow my thoughts have been
really negative lately.
Does that mean I'm negative?
Well, if I think the thoughts are negative,
doesn't mean I'm actually against negativity?
If I reject them on the basis that they're negative,
that's a positive, right?
I wonder why pirates drew red X's on their treasure maps
instead of like writing down longitude and latitude.
That's stupid.
- But the most useless evolutionary leftover
is caring what other people think about us.
Because we've long been out of survival mode
where we need to be surrounded by large numbers of people
to ensure that Mr. Snuggles didn't eat us.
We've structured a completely new social paradigm.
One where we're at the top of the food chain,
and we mostly live in isolation and small tribes
of our chosen people.
Needing to be liked is a useless leftover evolutionary drive
that still exists, but we've taken it from
a life or death necessity to a myopic desire
to validate our own existence as meaningful.
I mean, why do you think
every social media engagement button
deals in likes and hearts?
It not only validates,
like we're not gonna die cause we're liked,
but that we're important, we matter.
And we can rank that importance very tangibly
in the intangible digital world.
So how do we stop caring about what others think about us
in a time when we've conflated the opinions of others
to be a measure of our worthiness to exist,
a reflection of what kind of person we are?
We see being liked as the very acceptance of us.
And if someone doesn't like or accept us,
that feels Bad with a capital B.
Even if we don't really like them.
Well, here is the big, bad secret:
most people are projecting.
So don't take anything personally.
Yes, most people are projecting.
And when I think back on all the times
I didn't really like someone, I was mostly projecting.
You know, obviously if someone's like abusive or unkind,
this does not apply.
But for the most part, people I disliked,
I either recognized a trait in them
that I disliked in myself...
I don't know, Michelle is just too direct.
She doesn't put anything in a compliment sandwich.
- Yeah but I think she's just
straight-forward and opinionated.
- Totally.
Anyway, never wear this shirt again
'cause it looks fugly on you.
Or I was envious of a trait they had that I wanted.
Wow, you're so fashionable!
- Thank you.
- You really like taking a lot of risks in your wardrobe.
- I just love expressing myself this way.
- Mm-hm, bitch.
And you know, when I really think about the people
I've come across in the last few years who haven't liked me,
I can honestly say they were projecting.
- Yeah, I don't like you because you overshare online.
- Well that's because you desperately
want to put yourself out there, but you're terrified.
- I don't like you because you have too many feelings.
- You also have a ton of feelings.
You just see sensitivity as a weakness.
Try it.
Think of someone you've disliked or who has disliked you,
and you can pinpoint the projection.
The classic example of this is like when you have a partner
who's very suspicious that you're cheating,
when in actuality, they're the cheater.
You know I've been processing this concept for a while now
in therapy and in my regular life,
and it's been incredibly helpful
in not taking anyone's dislike of me personally.
And whenever I feel that for someone else coming up,
it's a useful way to identify,
well, what is going on to spur that?
Usually with me, it is, it's envy, I'm not gonna lie.
And once I realize what I'm envious about,
I can embody the trait that I want.
No one's actually stopping me from doing that
except for myself.
I'm Anna Akana,
and thank you to the Patreons who supported today's video
and thank you to BetterHelp for sponsoring today's episode.
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Bingo bango.