HEY, YOU GUYS, REMEMBER THE MIDTERMS?
>> Jon: YEAH.
>> Stephen: REMEMBER THAT?
THOSE WERE FUN.
GUESS WHAT?
THE FUN IS NOT OVER.
THERE'S A HUGE SCANDAL BREWING IN NORTH CAROLINA.
IT'S ABOUT THE CONGRESSIONAL CAMPAIGN FOR THE NINTH DISTRICT.
THE CURRENT VOTE COUNT IS LED BY REPUBLICAN CANDIDATE AND MAN TOO
BORING TO MAKE UP A JOKE ABOUT, MARK HARRIS.
HARRIS CURRENTLY HAS A 905-VOTE LEAD OVER HIS OPPONENT,
DEMOCRATIC CANDIDATE AND TEENAGER SEEING HIS FIRST NAKED
LADY, DAN McCREADY.
( LAUGHTER )
ELECTIONS BOARD HAS REFUSED TO CERTIFY THE RESULTS OF THIS
ELECTION WHILE THEY INVESTIGATE WHETHER HUNDREDS OF ABSENTEE
BALLOTS WERE ILLEGALLY CAST OR DESTROYED, ESPECIALLY IN TWO
COUNTIES, WHERE UP TO 62% OF ABSENTEE BALLOTS WERE NEVER
RETURNED.
THAT NEVER HAPPENS.
PEOPLE WHO ASK FOR AN ABSENTEE BALLOT, PEOPLE WHO GO TO THE
EFFORT, ALMOST ALWAYS MAIL IT IN.
THAT'S LIKE GOING TO THE MOVIES AND NOT WATCHING THE MOVIE.
"YEAH, I JUST WANTED TO SIT IN THE DARK AND FEEL MY FEET STICK
TO THE FLOOR."
( LAUGHTER )
RURAL BLADEN COUNTY, "HARRIS WON 61% OF THE ABSENTEE BALLOTS,
EVEN THOUGH REGISTERED REPUBLICANS ACCOUNTED FOR ONLY
19% OF THE BALLOTS SUBMITTED."
>> Stephen: OOOO!
WELL, WELL, THAT MAKES SENSE.
HARRIS IS A BAPTIST MINISTER.
AND, REMEMBER, JESUS SAID, "I TELL YOU, IT IS EASIER FOR A
CAMEL TO PASS THROUGH THE EYE OF A NEEDLE THAN FOR SOMEONE TO
VOTE DEMOCRATIC IN BLADEN COUNTY."
( LAUGHTER )
CAROLINA FOR SOMEONE TO COLLECT OTHER PEOPLE'S ABSENTEE BALLOTS,
BUT SEVERAL VOTERS' SWORN STATEMENTS "DESCRIBED PEOPLE
COMING TO THEIR DOORS AND URGING THEM TO HAND OVER THEIR
ABSENTEE BALLOTS, SOMETIMES WITHOUT FILLING THEM OUT."
YES, DOOR TO DOOR.
THEY'RE LIKE THEY'RE "JEHOVAH'S I HOPE THERE AREN'T WITNESSES."
WITNESSES?
GOT ANY WITNESSES HERE TONIGHT.
>> Jon: GOTTA GET A WITNESS.
CAN I GET A WITNESS?
>> Stephen: THE MAN BEHIND THE BALLOT-COLLECTOR SCHEME APPEARS
TO BE McRAE DOWLESS.
THIS IS THE ONLY PHOTO WE COULD FIND OF HIM ON THE INTERNET.
HE'S LIKE AN ELECTION-FRAUD SASQUATCH.
DOWLESS IS A NOTORIOUS FIGURE IN THE TAR HEEL STATE, A REGISTERED
REPUBLICAN KNOWN FOR USING ABSENTEE BALLOTS FOR HIS
GET-OUT-THE-VOTE CAMPAIGNS.
OR, IN THIS CASE, THE "THROW OUT THE VOTE" CAMPAIGNS.
BUT HE'S GENEROUS.
TAKE A LOOK AT THE STICKERS HE PASSED OUT:
"I VOTED?"
( APPLAUSE )
AND DOWLESS WAS PAID AS A CONTRACTOR BY THE HARRIS
CAMPAIGN, EVEN THOUGH BACK IN THE 90s, HE WAS CONVICTED OF
FELONY PERJURY AND INSURANCE FRAUD.
LOOK, A MAN LIKE THAT SHOULD NOT CANDIDATE.
HE SHOULD BE A CONGRESSIONAL CANDIDATE.
DOWLESS--
YES, SURE.
DOWLESS HIRED A BUNCH OF WOMEN TO COLLECT THESE BALLOTS, AND
LOCAL NEWS TRACKED DOWN ONE OF THE COLLECTORS.
>> I WAS HELPING McCRAE... PICK UP BALLOTS!
LIKE I SAID, I DON'T KNOW NOTHING WHAT HAPPENED AFTER I
DROPPED THEM OFF.
I DROPPED THEM OFF.
WHAT THEY DO, THAT'S ON THEM.
>> Stephen: THAT'S WHAT YOU CALL MORAL RESPONSIBILITY.
( AS WOMAN )
HANDED IT TO LEX LUTHOR.
THAT'S ON HIM, OKAY, WHAT HE DOES WITH IT.
ANYWAY, REST IN PEACE, SUPERMAN.
TOUGH BREAK."
AND IF THAT WEREN'T SHADY ENOUGH, MANY OF THE ABSENTEE
BALLOTS THAT WERE DELIVERED WERE SIGNED BY THE SAME EIGHT
PEOPLE, INCLUDING THREE OF THEM WHO SIGNED THEIR NAME MORE THAN
40 TIMES.
AND I'M BEING TOLD WE HAVE ONE OF THE BALLOTS.
IT WAS SIGNED BY "HUGH G.
LECTION FRAUD."
( LAUGHTER )
TONIGHT.