LET'S GET STRAIGHT INTO THE HEADLINES!
BIG NEWS FOR TOMORROW NIGHT'S DEMOCRATIC PRESIDENTIAL DEBATE
IN LAS VEGAS.
AS OF THIS MORNING, FORMER NEW YORK MAYOR, BILLIONAIRE MICHAEL
BLOOMBERG HAS OFFICIALLY QUALIFIED TO PARTICIPATE.
HE'LL BE SHARING THE STAGE WITH THE OTHER CANDIDATES FOR THE
VERY FIRST TIME.
GO ON, ONE MORE.
>> YAY!
>> James: YEAH.
( APPLAUSE ) YOU'RE RIGHT!
HE DID IT!
IT'S A GOOD OLD FASHIONED FEEL GOODRICHS TO RICHES STORY!
( LAUGHTER ) MICHAEL BLOOMBERG IS JOINING THE
DEBATE.
SO IF YOU WEREN'T PLANNING ON WATCHING THIS BEFORE, THIS WON'T
CHANGE THAT.
BLOOMBERG IS 78 YEARS OLD.
THAT MEANS FOUR CANDIDATES ON THE DEBATE STAGE WILL BE IN
THEIR '70s.
IT WILL BE LIKE WATCHING COACHELLA FOR PEOPLE WHO WEAR
COMPRESSION SOCKS.
( LAUGHTER ) AS FOR BERNIE SANDERS -- IS
STARTING TO FEEL THE PRESSURE FROM BLOOMBERG.
YESTERDAY, HE ATTACKED BLOOMBERG BY TWEETING OUT THIS PHOTO OF
THE EX-MAYOR LOOKING VERY FRIENDLY WITH DONALD TRUMP.
I KNOW IT LOOKS BAD, BUT TO BE FAIR TO MICHAEL BLOOMBERG, IF
YOU GO TO ANY GOLF COURSE, THERE'S A 90% CHANCE YOU'RE
GOING TO RUN INTO DONALD TRUMP.
( LAUGHTER ) CAN WE SEE THAT PICTURE AGAIN?
LOOK AT THAT.
THAT'S THE EXACT MOMENT MICHAEL BLOOMBERG THOUGHT, "WELL, I
MEAN, IF THIS IDIOT CAN DO IT."
( LAUGHTER ) ( APPLAUSE )
IT'S A PRETTY DAMAGING PICTURE, SO I UNDERSTAND WHY BERNI WOULD
TWEET THAT PHOTO OUT.
AND LOOK, I MIGHT AS WELL JUST GET AHEAD OF THIS BEFORE IT
INEVITABLY LEAKS.
( LAUGHTER ) I JUST LIKE ALL THE COOL
CLOTHES.
I DO.
MOVING ON, HERE'S A CRAZY STORY.
THE CITY OF LAKELAND, FLORIDA HAS SHUT DOWN PART OF A CITY
PARK DUE TO A RATHER UNUSUAL ANNUAL EVENT.
CAUTION TAPE WAS PUT UP AROUND AN AREA OF THE PARK TO KEEP
VISITORS AWAY FROM A, "SNAKE ORGY."
( LAUGHTER ) YES.
TURNS OUT, THESE ANACONDAS DO WANT SOME.
( LAUGHTER ) APPARENTLY, RIGHT NOW IN
FLORIDA, IT'S THE SNAKES' MATING SEASON.
AND THEY HAVE ORGIES.
ONCE THE ORGIES ARE OVER, EXPERTS
SAY THE SNAKES WILL GO THEIR SEPARATE WAYS.
AND IF THEY RUN INTO EACH OTHER AT THE GROCERY STORE LATER, THEY
SHOULD JUST TRY TO ACT COOL.
( LAUGHTER ) AND FINALLY, HERE'S AN
INTERESTING STATISTIC FOR ANYONE WHO WANTS TO BE MORE
SUCCESSFUL WITH ONLINE DATING.
OVER 60% OF ONLINE DATERS HAVE LANDED MORE DATES AFTER PUTTING
THEIR DOG IN THEIR PROFILE PICTURE.
BY THE WAY, THE GUY WHOSE PROFILE PICTURE IS HIM POSING
WITH ALL HIS PET LIZARDS?
STILL SINGLE.
( LAUGHTER ) SURE, THIS SEEMS CUTE NOW, BUT
THIS IS ALSO THE FIRST STEP TO BECOMING ONE OF THOSE COUPLES
WHO ONLY COMMUNICATE WITH EACH OTHER THROUGH THEIR DOG.
LIKE, "SPARKY, WILL YOU ASK MOMMY TO PASS THE REMOTE?
( LAUGHTER ) "SPARKY, WILL YOU TELL DADDY
THAT MOMMY DOESN'T WANNA WATCH TV RIGHT NOW?"
( LAUGHTER ) "SPARKY, WILL YOU TELL YOUR
MOMMY THAT SHE IS SUFFOCATING ME?!"
( LAUGHTER ) ( APPLAUSE )
ACCORDING TO THE STUDY, 39% OF PEOPLE SAID THEY HAVE ALSO
BORROWED A DOG TO POSE WITH IN THEIR DATING PROFILE.
NOW, YOU HAVE TO BE REALLY CAREFUL HOW YOU ASK FOR THAT
FAVOR.
YOU CAN'T BE, LIKE, "HEY, DAVE, I HAVEN'T HAD SEX IN
A WHILE.
CAN I BORROW YOUR DOG?" ( LAUGHTER )