- I'm here to tell you about a dream I had,
which I know is the most boring thing ever,
and this is how we're gonna get through it.
It was--it was so real that I believe it was real.
And when I tell you the story, you are not allowed to listen
knowing it's a dream.
You have to listen as though I'm telling you a thing
that really happened to me.
I am in a building.
I don't know what building it is.
It looks like a building I've been in before,
but it's a little different.
I don't know what city it is. It doesn't matter.
I took a giant elevator.
I've been in this elevator before.
Oh, it looks like an elevator that I took when I was in
Australia at this theater.
Oh, I recognize that, and then I go into a downstairs part,
and I go, I don't recognize this.
And I'm sitting there, and I'm at some kind of comedy festival
it would seem, and Prince is backstage, and he's just
sitting there, and there's a bunch of, like, comedy boys
around, and I don't know these guys either.
And I'm thinking, "He probably assumes, like, Dave
Chappelle's gonna be here," like, I can--and, you know,
you all know Prince.
He probably saw a sign that said "comedy," and he's like,
"I bet my friends are there," and then, like,
he sees people that look like-- you know, like,
"Meltdown" people, and he was just probably sitting there
confused, and so I came in, and he just looked at me,
and he turned, and he smiled like this, and he goes,
"What's a podcast?"
[laughter]
Now, in this true story that absolutely happened,
I don't remember what I said, but it was sort of a combination
of something that explained a podcast and completely
dismissed a podcast.
And it might him laugh, and he went...
[snorts]
[laughter]
And he said, "What's your name?" And I said, "Jen Kirkman."
And he said, "Jen Kirkman, you're fun."
And then I just sat there, and then he said,
"I'll be right back.
These guys asked me to do a podcast."
And so that's why he was asking.
And so he came back in the room, and he said,
"I told the guys I don't want to do their podcast,
that Jen Kirkman should do their podcast."
And they said they don't want Jen Kirkman to do their podcast,
so I'm gonna go do their podcast, but you're gonna
come with me, Jen Kirkman.
And he grabbed my hand, and we went into the theater
where the three dudes were onstage hosting a podcast,
and I walk in holding Prince's hand.
And he sits me in the front row like a prince does
to his princess, and then he gets up,
and he starts fucking with these guys
who did not want to interview me but want to interview him.
So every question they ask him, they'd be like,
"Prince, what do you think of this?"
And then he would turn and look at me in the front row and go,
"I only care what Jen Kirkman thinks about that."
And then he'd keep looking at me.
[laughter]
And he'd look back, and they'd go, "Uh, well,
what do you think of this?"
And he'd go, "I only care what Jen Kirkman thinks of that."
[laughter]
And then--"Last question.
"Prince, if you could meet God, what would you ask him?"
And he said, "I'd ask him why he never put Jen Kirkman
in front of me before."
And the audience gasps, and then he grabbed my hand,
and he whispered to me, "It's on, you and me forever."
[laughter]
And we went--oh, we went backstage, made out,
and then he said to me, "I'm so in love with you,"
and I said, "Me too," and he said, "Would you give up
everyone in your life for me?"
And I said, "Yeah," and it was very easy to do,
and he was like, "Your parents, your friends,"
and I was like, "Fuck 'em all.
I hate these people."
And, like, I don't even care if he turns out to be
a fucking nightmare.
By the way, in real life at this point, he's dead,
but I'm like, "I don't care if this doesn't make sense,"
and so he said, "You're coming to Paisley Park."
I said, "Of course I am."
And so then I woke up the next morning,
and I hadn't opened my eyes yet, and I was like,
"Here I am in Paisley Park.
"This is gonna be amazing once I open my eyes in my new life,"
and I opened my eyes, and I was just in my room, and I was like,
"What the fuck? No!
No. No," and I start sobbing,
and I canceled--I had meetings that day.
I had things to do that day.
I canceled everything, and I laid in bed and cried,
not 'cause he died.
I was already over that.
Because it wasn't to be that I could
give up my life for Prince.
I mean, I was like, "This life sucks.
"What is this, an apartment?
"Oh, God.
"What this phone full of phone numbers of people
"that care about me?
Oh, fuck them."
[laughter]
And I realized that I'm right to have depression and anxiety.
My life is awful compared to that dream.
There is nothing good about waking up every day.
It is a disaster.
The only reason I don't kill myself
is 'cause I'm afraid of death.
Do you understand?
And so I wanted to have that dream again, and I couldn't.
And then I read something online.
Prince doesn't believe in time or space.
And I was like, "That's interesting," and then
someone tweeted me, "Did you know that the week before
you performed at the Melbourne Arts Centre, Prince was there?
There's only one elevator to the green room.
He was in it the week before.
He doesn't believe in time and space.
His energy was still in the elevator.
Mine got in. We're in some--
you see, the dream really happened.
[laughter and applause]
Thank you guys so much.