From the man responsible for every movie your girlfriend tried to drag you to
comes the film responsible for every bad movie about a dozen famous people falling in love
on a popular holiday...
Love Actually
This holiday season, prepare for the ultimate romantic comedy
that's not very romantic
or funny
or relevant to the holiday season.
"They've been giving out parts in the nativity play!"
"And I'm the lobster!"
"In the nativity play?"
But don't worry: sit through it and you still might get laid.
Follow along on this Pulp Fiction for girls,
stuffed with eight different plot-lines that are creepy and depressing when you actually
stop to think about them, like...
a man getting over the death of his wife by helping his kid seduce a girl with the same
name as his dead mom,
"Her name's Joanna?"
"Same as mom."
a woman who ends up alone with her unstable brother instead of her hot available coworker
"Don't do that, my darling."
this guy who's trying to bang his best friend's wife...
wait, is that Rick?
"Do you think Carl knows?"
"Caaaaaarl!"
"Carl!"
a man who will throw away his loving wife and children to buy a
necklace for this walking vagina,
"Full of dark corners for doing dark deeds."
a powerful older man who fires his subordinate for being distractingly hot,
a powerful older man whose wife cheats on him...
so he seduces his young hot subordinate who doesn't even speak English,
and these two uncomfortable stand-ins on the highest budget porno of all time.
Experience what boils down to a supercut of every rom-com cliche in the book, like
the last minute airport dash,
"Sam?"
"I thought you didn't know my name."
awkward meet cutes,
"It's Junction 13. That's just murder, isn't it - total gridlock this morning."
making out behind the curtain and getting discovered,
singing in public,
"Good King Wenceslas looked out."
adorable children,
"I'm in love."
Over the top gestures,
"All you need is love!"
and Hugh f***ing Grant.
So this Christmas, catch one of the most subversive chick flicks of all time
that's aimed at a female audience
but tells them the ideal woman brings you food,
"These are... for you."
"Banoffee pie."
isn't fat,
"The chubby girl?"
"He said I was gettin' fat."
"Come on later, Plumpy."
"I think there's a pretty sizable ass there, yes. Huge thighs."
and shows you her boobs.
Thanks, bro!
Starring...
all these people you likes better in other things.
Rick. For real! I'm telling you, that's totally Rick.
Bilbo Baggins from The Hobbit
Qui-Gon Jinn
Hans Gruber
Davy Jones
Kim Bauer
Professor Trelawney
Liz Shaw from Doctor Who
Nadia from American Pie
Betty Draper
Xerxes
Carmen from Starship Troopers
Bad Santa
Oh of course Mr. Bean's in it
Jojen Reed
Elizabeth from Pirates of the Caribbean
and the voice of Marceline on Adventure Time
Wow. All that's missing is someone from Breaking Bad...
Oh sh*t!
It's the Grey Matter guy from Breaking Bad!
Bingo! I have Bingo!
Sh*t Actually
"This is sh*t, isn't it?"
"Yup! Solid gold sh*t, maestro!"
Exactly.