-Welcome, everybody! Welcome to "The Tonight Show"!
Thank you for watching.
[ Applause ]
Well, guys, it is the last night of Donald Trump's presidency.
And...
[ Band plays, cheers and applause ]
I don't know what tomorrow's gonna feel like.
Probably like that moment
when they pull the nasal swab out of your nose.
[ Laughter ]
At least Trump is leaving on top.
I mean, Washington D.C. has never looked more beautiful.
[ Laughter ]
Actually, that has nothing to do with the riots.
Those are just some of Melania's old Christmas decorations.
[ Laughter ]
Yep, one more night.
For most Americans, it feels like the night of Thanksgiving
when you're just staring at your aunt and uncle thinking,
"Go home."
I think everyone is ready for Trump to move on.
This afternoon, even the Lincoln Memorial stood up
and helped Trump pack.
He's like, "I got it, I got it."
Some people are sad to see Trump go.
Earlier today, the movers shook his hand and said,
"We've never moved so many people out of their offices
in four years.
You put our kids through college.
Thank you."
It was a touching scene at the White House tonight,
especially when Trump's four remaining staffers toasted him
by raising a glass of bleach.
I thought that was sweet.
Today, all of the White House staffers
are signing each other's yearbooks
with things like, "Keep in touch,"
"Friends for life," and, "I won't testify against you
if you don't testify against me."
Well, tomorrow morning, Trump's holding a farewell event
at Joint Base Andrews.
I heard that everyone who's invited
has to be there by 7:15 a.m.,
and they can each bring along five people.
You know they're having trouble filling seats
when they offer everyone a plus-five.
Never heard of a plus-five.
"You can come if you want. You can you bring 30 people."
But it sounds like a great party.
I mean, guests have to arrive by 7:15 in the morning
on a Wednesday in the middle of January
during a pandemic.
Even Craigslist actors were like, "Pass."
And this is true.
The guest list is so thin,
even Anthony Scaramucci got an invite.
You know your party is struggling
when it's half family and half staff you fired four years ago.
But today, Trump released a pre-recorded farewell address
from the White House, and here are some of the highlights.
-Now as I prepare to hand power over
to a new administration
at noon on Wednesday,
I want you to know that the movement we started
is only just beginning.
We did what we came here to do
and so much more.
The world respects us again.
Please don't lose that respect.
-Yeah.
[ Laughter ]
Trump said, "We did what we came here to do."
It's true. I remember his big campaign promise
was, "Build part of a wall and pay for it ourselves."
[ Laughter ]
Yep, Trump also said, "The world respects us again."
When he heard that, Vladimir Putin was like,
"Yes, yes, is always good to end with joke."
[ Laughter ]
[ Applause ]
"Classic, Buddy. [ Laughs ]"
But today wasn't all bad.
There was actually some nice news for Trump. Listen to this.
-President Trump's youngest daughter has a big announcement.
Tiffany Trump is getting married.
The 27-year-old took to Instagram
to announce her happy news.
-Trump was so sweet.
He was like, "This week isn't about you, Tiffany!"
[ Laughter ]
Asked what she's most excited for,
Tiffany was like, "Changing last names."
Some entertainment news.
Last night was an all-new episode of "The Bachelor,"
and Serena had a one-on-one date with Matt.
And the date was going well
until an unexpected visitor showed up.
Watch this.
-The feelings that I'm already having for you,
like, throughout this experience is like,
they're real.
♪♪
[ Donkey brays ]
[ Laughter ]
-All that was missing was a graphic that said,
"Donkey, age 7, social media influencer."
Yep, now along with herpes,
"The Bachelor" has to worry about foot-and-mouth disease.
Hey, check this out.
I saw that Nissan has designed a new concept van
intended to serve as a mobile office for remote workers.
Take a look at this.
Yeah. And this is cool.
It comes with a bumper sticker that says,
"I didn't get custody."
[ Laughter ]
Yep, Nissan will release the car
right after everyone is vaccinated
and returns to the office.
We have a great show.
give it up for The Roots everybody.