And so, finally, all the combatants were in the arena.
Everyone was ready for the brawl.
Everyone was really waiting to see what Donald Trump would do.
Because, if you remember, Donald Trump skipped the last debate,
which is probably why you don't remember the last debate.
You see, Trump is the main attraction.
He's the T. rex in
(laughter)
And to see him in action, all you need to do
is leave out some poor little animal as bait.
Oh, no, I'm not sure that's the right...
If we can get some-- oh, yeah, that's better.
-Yeah, yeah, that'll do. That'll do. -(groaning)
It's funny how you guys were sadder for Jeb Bush...
(laughter)
...than a goat that was about to be eaten.
So, one of the biggest issues on the debate night
between Jeb and Trump was eminent domain.
And for many conservatives, this is a hot-button issue.
Should the government be able to take private land
when they deem it necessary for the public good?
The Keystone Pipeline, without eminent domain,
it wouldn't go ten feet, okay?
You need eminent domain.
What Donald Trump did was use eminent domain
to try to take the property of an elderly woman
on the Strip in Atlantic City.
-(applause, cheering) -That is not public purpose.
That is downright wrong.
Jeb wants to be... he wants to be a tough guy.
He wants to be a tough guy tonight.
I didn't take the property.
-BUSH: And the net result was... -I-I didn't...
-You tried. And you lost in the courts. -I didn't take the...
Well, let me just... you know, he wants to be a tough guy.
A lot of times, you'll have...
you'll have-- and it doesn't work very well with him.
How tough is it to take... property from an elderly woman?
Let me talk. Let me talk. Quiet.
(audience gasping, groaning)
Oh...
Qu-Quiet, quiet, pipsqueak.
Talk to the tan.
(laughter)
That must have been the weirdest bar fight
I've ever seen in my life.
It was, like, two guys: "Hey, tough guy.
Oh, you want to be a tough guy? You looking at my girl?"
"No, no, I'm looking at your poorly considered thoughts
on eminent domain as it relates to common carrier projects."
"That's it! Let's take this outside!"
-A lot of times... -...to take property from an elderly woman?
Let me talk. Let me talk. Quiet.
-A lot of times... -How tough is it?
-a lot of times... -(audience jeering)
(jeering continues)
That's all of his donors
-and special interests out there. So... -(Bush laughing)
You know who has the tickets for the--
I'm talking about... to the television audience--
donors, special interests, the people that
-(audience jeering) -are putting up the money.
That's who it is.
-The reason they're not loving me... -(audience jeering)
the reason they're not-- excuse me--
the reason they're not loving me is I don't want their money.
This is insane. I love this.
You understand how crazy Donald Trump is?
Jeb Bush was like, "Fight
and Trump was like, "No! I need a challenge."
-(laughter) -And then he proceeded to fight the audience.
-The entire audience. -(applause)
If that's not presidential, I don't know what is, people.
(cheering, applause, whistling)
But even though everyone was waiting for Donald Trump,
the match that really surprised everybody
was the baby-faced thirst quencher, Marco Rubio,
versus the bridge-blocking bully, Governor Chris Christie.
Because, no, no, here's the setup.
Christie tanked in Iowa, making New Hampshire his last chance
to make himself the top alternative to Trump or Cruz,
but in order to do that, he'd have to beat Marco Rubio,
who came in third in Iowa.
So Chris Christie launched an accusation:
Rubio is an empty suit with canned lines.
I want the people at home to think about this.
That's what Washington, DC, does.
The memorized 25-second speech
-that is exactly what his advisors gave him. -(cheering)
All right, Rubio, all right, the challenge has been issued.
And now you have to prove him wrong.
And let's dispel once and for all with this fiction
that Barack Obama doesn't know what he's doing.
He knows exactly what he's doing.
I would add this-- let's dispel with this fiction
that Barack Obama doesn't know what he's doing.
He knows exactly what he's doing.
He is trying to change this country...
Here's the bottom line-- this notion that Barack Obama
-doesn't know what he's doing is just not true. -There it is.
-There it is, the memorized -He knows exactly what...
-25-second speech. -Well, that's the...
-There it is, everybody. -That's the reason why this...
Rubio, he's on to you! Switch up the play!
Just say anything else!
-The memorized 25-second speech. -Well, that's the reason
-There it is, everybody. -why this campaign is so important.
Because I think this notion...
I think this is an important point.
We have to understand what we're going through here.
We are not facing a president
that doesn't know what he's doing.
-He knows what he is doing. -(audience groans)
He lost it. He lost it. First of all,
he's saying Barack Obama knows what he's doing.
Let's just take a second to accept that.
-(cheering, applause) -He's just, like, a little...
That's the first thing.
And, uh, secondly, Chris Christie called Rubio out
on the fact that he mindlessly repeats talking points
like a stump-speech robot, and Rubio's reply was,
(robotically): "Beep, boop, beep, boop.
Beep, boop. I am hu-man. Beep, boop, beep, boop."
He got exposed.
Marco Rubio got (bleep) so hard,
he had to take Chris Christie to Red Lobster.
-(laughter, cheering, applause) -Like...
(cheering, whistling)
Oh... oh, man.
Look...
Senator Rubio, it's time for you to take a page
out of Dr. Carson's book.
(laughter)
Next time there's a debate, take a moment...
and think about not coming out.
-(laughter, applause) -But for now...
go home, get some fresh clothes,
because, let's be honest, you just (bleep) your pants.