- Phoebe Buffay.
- How do you spell that so we can get it right?
Oh okay, it's P as in Phoebe, H as in Hoebe,
O as in Oebe, E as in Ebe, B as in Be
and E as in 'ello there, mate.
(upbeat music)
I remember when I first came to this city, I was 14.
My mom had just killed herself and my stepdad
was back in prison and I got here and I didn't know anybody.
And I ended up living with this albino guy
who was like cleaning windshields outside Port Authority,
and then he killed himself.
(background laughter)
And then I found aromatherapy.
So believe me, I know exactly how you feel.
(background laughter)
Hey!
- Hey. - Hey Phoebes.
- Happy Christmas Eve, Eve.
- You, too.
- Oh my God, where did you get this?
- Macy's, third floor home furnishings.
- This is my father, this is a picture of my dad.
(background laughter)
- Phoebes, that's the guy that comes in the frame.
- No, it isn't, this is my dad.
All right, I'll show you.
- Phoebe, I thought your dad was in prison.
- No, no, that's my stepdad.
My real dad's the one that ran out on us before I was born.
Okay, look see, this is him.
My mother gave me this picture before she died, same guy.
(background laughter)
- Honey, this is a picture of the frame guy posing
in front of a bright blue screen with a collie.
- What, it's not a blue screen, it's just--
Maybe it was just really clear that day.
Okay, I have to talk to my grandmother.
(background laughter)
- Wait a minute honey. - Phoebe!
- I never had a bike of my own one.
- What?
- Well, we didn't have a lot of money,
but the girl across the street had the best bike.
It was pink and it had rainbow color tassels
hanging off the handle grips and a bell
and this big white wicker basket
with those plastic daisies stuck on.
- That sounds like my first bike.
(background laughter)
My dad gave me his old one.
- Did the girl ever let you ride it?
- No, but she gave me the box that it came in.
It had a picture of the bike on the front.
So I would sit on it and my stepdad would drag me
around the backyard.
(background laughter)
- That is so unfair.
- Not really, I got to drag him around, too.
(background laughter)
- Ross was mugged as a kid.
- You were?
- Yeah, it was pretty traumatic.
It was outside St. Mark's Comics.
You know, I was just there minding my own business,
you know, seeing what kind of trouble Spiderman
got into that week.
- Wonder Woman.
(background laughter)
- Anyway, I was heading towards this bakery, you know,
to pick up a couple of dozen Linzer tortes for someone--
(background laughter)
When out of nowhere, this thug with a pipe
jumps out and says, "Give me your money, punk."
- Oh my God.
- I know.
And the worst part was they took my backpack,
which had all the original artwork
I had done for my own comic book, "Science Boy."
(background laughter)
- Oh yeah, what was his super power again?
- A super human thirst for knowledge.
(background laughter)
I better get to class.
Are there any more of your friends
I should look out for on my way, Phoebe?
- No, actually you might want to stay away from Jane Street.
That's where stabby Joe works.
(background laughter)
Okay, I think we have a problem here.
- What?
- Well, back in my mugging days, you know,
I worked St Mark's Comics.
- Yeah?
- Well, a pipe was my weapon of choice
and pre-teen comic book nerds were my meat.
(background laughter)
- So?
- Well, there was this one kid who had a sticker
on his backpack that said
geology rocks. - Geology rocks!
(background laughter)
Oh my God!
- I know, I mugged Ross!
(background laughter)
Hi Ursula.
- Hey.
- Okay, well I know that we haven't talked in a long time,
but okay, our mom is not our birth mom.
This other lady is our birth mom.
- Right okay, the one that lives in Montauk.
(background laughter)
- You know her?
- No, I read about her in mom's suicide note.
- There was a suicide note?
Do you still have it?
- Hang on.
(background laughter) (door shutting)
- I can't believe you didn't tell me
there was a suicide note!
- [Ursula] Yeah, so how have you been doing?
- I've, shut up!
(background laughter)
Goodbye Phoebe and Ursula, I'll miss you.
P.S your mom lives in Montauk.
(background laughter)
You just wrote this!
- It's pretty much the gist.
(background laughter)
- Hey Joey, when you said the deal
with Santa Claus, you meant...
- That he doesn't exist.
- Right.
(background laughter)