One of the most hurtful divorces I help a partner go through after the effect is one
where that partner was totally blindsided, and we talk about breakups and we talk about the
pain of a breakup and about the emotional pain of a divorce. But if you've been blindsided,
there is so much more. There's grief work you have to do. There's introspection you have to do.
There's a lot of time to reflect and understand what was going on.
Blindsided basically happens when a couple is together and one of the partners is. Basically,
you might both be invested in the relationship or the marriage, but one of the partners isn't honest
and that partner will play games like they either feel too bad about what they have to tell you or
they don't know how to tell you or they just are so afraid they've always been a people pleaser or
someone that couldn't hurt feelings, but they basically really aren't into the relationship.
And not only that, but they encourage the other partner to think they are. I’ve seen cases where a
couple will work together. They build a brand-new home and after the last nail is in the roof,
one of the partners says to the other one, “You know, I don't love you anymore. I don't want
this relationship.” And it's totally out of the blue. The other partner just looks at them. Like,
why didn't you say something? or when a couple has a child as a baby together, they're probably
grasping and trying to find some commonality. There's something going on the unconscious level,
but because it's not spoken and for all practical purposes, it looks like both people are really in.
One ends up getting blindsided. This is so hurtful because not only does it rock your world,
but it comes out of nowhere. People that are in these relationships tell me they had no idea.
As a therapist, I think there are subtle cues I have to believe that maybe for my own self,
I have to believe there's some kind of cues that are going off that people are so distant
or the way they attach they don't see them. But people who are the victims of blind sidedness,
let me tell you, they honestly say there was absolutely no clue. So, I want to give you if
you've been blindsided. First of all, let me just say I’m really sorry that you have to go through
this because it's painful and it's going to take you a long time and you're going to have to do
grief work. You're going to have to. You have to stay single for a long time because I think
it rocks your whole understanding of trust, of love, of what it looks like and you're
just going to have to. You're going to need time to just trust yourself and your gut again, but
after that, i think it's important that you kind of look through your life with this person so that
you won't give out vibes that attracts this kind of person again or maybe if you're the blindsider,
it's important for you to have this insight into yourself about why you would do this. Okay
so, the first is did your partner ever talk about negative aspects of your relationship?
Healthy relationships always mention what's not healthy. What needs to be worked on? After all,
you know my platform's all about creating a relationship you love. You can't create
something if you don't know what's going wrong. So, in a healthy relationship, there should be
talk about that and if there was never talk about that, then that shows a significant
problem. That is not normal and if your partner hasn't talked about that, did you
ever talk about that? Because if you both stayed quiet and you just told each other we're so happy;
we don't have anything to talk about; we like each other's ways both ways, there's something going
on that is not the norm and it's not healthy. Quite honestly, you need to be told what's going
unhealthy in the relationship and both partners need to speak up about what they want more,
to see more in the relationship or what they feel needs to happen. Next is you’re blindsided,
a people pleaser in general. Sometimes, the blindsided person has been one of these good
people. They just always went along. They always went along with everything. They did everything
they can, and I think this kind of person in particular leaves a real void because they
took over everything and they don't complain. They don't complain because remember, they're pleasers,
but people that don't complain doesn't mean they don't have feelings about what they're doing if
they feel like they're carrying all the load. They feel like they're going. They're extending
more than the other person if they feel like they're putting in more than the other person's
putting in, but they've just always got a smile on their face. Believe me, these people, when
they act strongly and I’ve seen this group, of this group of people, be the biggest blindsiders.
One day, they have maybe a car accident; maybe it's the death of a good friend, whatever the
crisis is that precipitates. It could even be a celebrity. When Kobe Bryant died, this changed a
lot of people's thinking about their priority and what they wanted in life then. This can happen to
you. When you get a new sense of your priorities, all of a sudden, you're like, “I don't want this
person; I’ve never really liked this person. This marriage has been over for me for a long time.”
Then, those kinds of people are more likely to blindside, and do you avoid your emotions? I
think if you're a person, no matter which side you're on, if you're the partner left or if
you're the blindsider, do you avoid emotions? A lot of people that end up getting married
you think well, you need to have a good attachment and you know you're mentally healthy. Not a lot of
people that get married are emotionally void. They don't. They don't know how to be intimate.
They have problems with intimacy. They don't know how to express it. They're afraid of it. They're
afraid of letting themselves go with another person. They're afraid of totally being vulnerable
and trusting another person. These are things that happen to them in their family of origin
and only they can change that with a lot of work and a lot of therapy and I think understanding
that if you're one of those people or if you're a blindsider, let this be a wake-up call for you
to do something no matter if you're the person left or the person who blindsided. You both need
therapy. One for grieving and just trying to restore their trust. The other for this big secret
they kept for so long, this big game and then all of a sudden they just hit their partner out
of the blue with I don't love you anymore. That's so harsh and so cruel that to be able to do that,
something significant had to happen and it's important you get in touch with what it was and
also why you waited so long because you usually don't blindside early on in the dating. You should
wait until the person is totally in love with you and you're committed to something and then
you decide this isn't what you want. And I think lastly, were there problems that you blinked away
or that what blinked away means you just kind of noted it, but you just didn't give it any more
than that. You can note a lot of things, but if you don't do something about it, then something
happens and I think when again you're the person being blindsided or the blindsider, you would have
equal partake in this because basically, if you've avoided issues, if things have happened, nobody's
perfect so if you tell me, “Well, we never fought. They never said anything about being unhappy.” You
saw things. Surely, you knew things in your heart that you did that hurt your partner. And was that
discussed or was it just not discussed because you didn't want to bring it up and start something or
was the person who blindsided? Are you saying that you felt things for a long time? You felt hurt,
felt taken advantage of, but you didn't speak up. Well, that's cruel too, so it's important
that once again, you seek the therapy you need. Getting blindsided is so hurtful.
It would be so much better when you started talking, when you started feeling things, when you
started noticing things you brought it up to your partner because in a sense you created a lie
within the relationship. When you blindside someone, you alluded to the fact it was all okay
and it wasn't that and so your partner gripped the story and they hung on to that story and
they lived their life. You both lived your life in a fantasy. Except, the blindsider was the director
of the fantasy. That's just not right really. You both need therapy. I hope this helps you.