As the coronavirus continues to spread,
it's time for us to face the uncomfortable truth
that we're all going to come in contact with it at some point.
It's everywhere.
Europe has it. Africa has it. America has it.
The only person who doesn't have it
is that guy in the bunker in Parasite,
but he's got other problems.
Now, if you're in a sparsely populated area,
you might be okay,
but one of the worst things you can do right now
is be in any kind of cramped space
where people are packed tightly together, like a...
like a live studio audience for a late-night show.
Those people are screwed. But not you guys.
You guys are cool. You guys are fine.
You guys are fine.
And it's even worse if you're in a city like New York,
which is basically one big studio audience.
The good news is, though,
the governor of New York, Andrew Cuomo, is taking action.
NEWSWOMAN: Governor Andrew Cuomo
has declared a state of emergency in New York
as dozens of new cases of coronavirus
are determined each day
with testing happening around the clock.
Contain, contain, contain.
Get a lead, chase it down. Get a lead, chase it down.
Find a positive, quarantine.
NEWSMAN: Governor Andrew Cuomo sounding the alarm
against riding the subways if you're sick.
If you see a packed train car,
let it go by.
Wait for the next train.
Yes. To minimize your risk in New York City,
you should wait for a less crowded train.
And we actually have a live image
of someone who's still waiting for a less crowded train.
(laughter and applause)
I'll miss you. I'll miss you, Granddad.
Let me give you a tip about New York.
There are no less crowded trains.
And if there is an empty car on the train,
whatever's in there is worse than corona.
Okay?
(cheering and applause)
No such thing as an empty train.
Even coronavirus would be like,
"Uh, if I were you, I'd wait for the next one.
"Yeah, just wait like me.
I'm going... I'm waiting for the next one."
(laughter and applause)
Now, although the governor gave some unhelpful advice,
he does have a plan to help ensure
that there's plenty of hand sanitizer
for the residents of New York.
We are introducing...
New York State Clean hand sanitizer
made, conveniently,
by the state of New York.
This is a superior product
to products now on the market.
This is 75% alcohol.
It has a very nice...
...floral bouquet.
I detected lilac,
hydrangea, tulips.
What does it smell like to you?
No!
Why are you putting your hands in someone else's face?
(laughter)
That's the first rule of coronavirus!
What are you doing? Like, Cuomo's the kind of guy
who would open the door to prove the zombies are gone.
"I swear I don't hear them. Let me check."
(laughter)
But look, I will say a state making its own hand sanitizer
to give people free hand sanitizer
is a great idea. I love this.
Although I don't know why Cuomo's trying to sell us
on the great smell.
Right? There's coronavirus.
I'm buying the hand sanitizer. I'm taking it.
All right? You don't have to sell me on the frag...
Imagine if the captain of the Titanic was like,
"Everyone, get in the life rafts.
"And here's a fun bonus.
"They smell like fresh baked cookies.
"Also, they come in a really fun shade of yellow
just in time for spring."
It's like, "My man, you had me at, 'We're sinking.'
I'm in. I'm in."
(laughter)
Now, while we're waiting on government
to figure out a solution to corona,
the World Health Organization keeps reminding us
that there is a lot that us individuals can do
to prevent the spread of this disease.
So, for more on this information,
we're joined by our senior health expert,
Jaboukie Young-White, everybody.
(cheering and applause)
Jaboukie, it's really scary,
and everyone wants to know,
what are... what are some of the things
that people can do themselves about the coronavirus?
Okay, so, first of all, Trevor,
there is no need to panic.
All right?
Except for old people.
You guys are screwed.
"You guys"? I-I'm not... I'm not old.
(laughter)
Okay, well, we'll let corona be the judge of that.
(laughter)
Okay, well, anyway, Jaboukie,
I-I asked you to-to help us find the best hygiene practices
sanctioned by the World Health Organization.
-What-what has your research shown? -Yeah, okay.
So, I read this really interesting tweet that...
-A tweet? -Yeah. (laughs)
I read this tweet thread, which is basically a book.
-Yeah. -Okay.
And I learned that we need to stop shaking hands.
You know? Why do we even do that in the first place?
Like, seriously, whose idea was it for us to be like,
"Hey, you know those things that we use to wipe our butts?
"Let's rub 'em together.
Mmm! Booty fingers."
(laughter)
(cheering and applause)
-So... So, what's the first tip? -Okay.
So, my first tip.
If you are still shaking hands with people,
stop it.
Right now.
Stop that, you dirty bitch.
(laughter)
Well, I-I don't think anyone
is disagreeing with you about shaking hands.
It's actually why I've been using the elbow.
That way you don't even touch hands with people.
Elbows? (gags)
Mmm, Trevor, you're using your elbow?
How do you cough? What? What?
That's basically like eating someone's ass.
Well, what do... what do you mean?
What do you mean, how do I cough?
-Why is that bad? -No, just show...
Like, what you do when you cough?
-Show me what you do when you cough. -Well, when I cough,
I cough into... Oh, into my elbow,
and then I touch it to somebody's...
Exactly.
You're coughing directly into someone's ass.
(laughter)
Elbows are not as clean as people think.
As someone who takes a lot of showers with people,
I can tell you,
no one ever washes their elbow.
Okay, fine. So, Jaboukie, then,
-what's the best way to greet people? -Okay.
So, what I recommend is you put your hand
over your heart like so,
and then you bow.
Oh, that's-that's easy. That's easy.
-So it's just like... like this? -Yeah.
-Just, like, a little bit lower. -Oh.
-Yeah. -Like-like this?
Yeah. Well, you want to go low enough
to kiss your old ass goodbye, old man!
'Cause corona is coming for you, Trevor!
Goddamn you, Jaboukie!
Jaboukie Young-White, everybody.