The Aeneid was written by Virgil (that guy from The Inferno) around 30 BC,
and it was meant to serve as a sort of
continuation to The Iliad and The Odyssey, both written by Homer more than 800 years previously.
Virgil was commissioned to write the piece by Caesar Augustus who demanded that the poet write a splendid power ballad glorifying him.
Virgil on the other hand was a clever individual who didn't like Augustus all that much and opted instead to write an epic glorifying Rome while
surreptitiously mocking Augustus the whole time. Our hero,
Aeneas, is meant to parallel Augustus in action in certain key events, to serve as a sort of historical insert character for the Caesar. This
might be why Aeneas is described as a really swell guy,
but in practice acts like rather jerk. So, our story begins shortly after the events of The Trojan War, where we see Hera
absolutely losing it and raging against the Trojans, strangely enough not because of their actions in the war itself,
but instead because there is a prophecy.
*EPIC GUITAR RIFF*
That's right! Apparently, it was foretold that not only would Troy survive the aggressive tan the Achaeans gave it,
but it would live on as an immensely powerful Empire in Italy, known as Rome. Hera objects to this because the prophecy also states that
the Romans will bring about the destruction of Carthage,
which is her favorite city. Anyway!
We learned that an intrepid young hero has managed to escape the flames of Troy and is sailing for Italy, known back
then as Hesperia, along with a whole fleet of refugees. This hero is Aeneas, who you may remember as having been an immensely
unimportant player in the Iliad. He was that guy that Aphrodite dropped when Diomedes shot a spear through her wrist.
But Aeneas carries the distinction of being Aphrodite's son, as well as Rome's favorite hero and ancestral founder,
so I guess he's the hero of this tale.
So anyway, Hera, or as the Romans called her Juno, is having none of this Aeneas
surviving nonsense and calls upon King Aeolus for help. As you may recall Aeolus appeared briefly in the Odyssey.
He was that King who gave
Odysseus that magic bag of wind and Juno bribes him with the offer of a gorgeous nymph wife if he unleashes the fury on Aeneas's
fleet. Aeolus, amazingly, turns down the offer (ask your parents about it),
but for some reason still does as she asks and Aeneas's fleet is devastated by the resulting hurricane, but this in turn rankles Poseidon-
Oh, I'm sorry, I MEANT NEPTUNE! God, this is more confusing than those stupid Percy Jackson books! Anyway,
yeah,
Neptune is all like "The only deity who gets to make life
unnecessarily complex for a hero of The Trojan War is me!" and banishes the storm, leaving the damaged Trojan fleet to sail to a port
in Libya. Neptune then presumably went back to tossing cyclopes at Odysseus. So, Aeneas manages to dock his fleet
and then he gives a nice little rousing speech to the rather disheartened Trojans, although
he's mostly talking out of his booty, as he has no idea where they are or really where they're supposed to be going. So Aphrodite,
alias Venus, sees her darling boy having so much trouble being so perfect and beautiful all the time and runs off to Zeus, A.K.A
Jove and is like "Dad and/or nephew, it's just not fair! Why did you let Troy get all smashed up?
Where's my baby boy supposed to live now?" and Jove/Zeus is like "Fear not my daughter and/or auntie, for you see, there
is... a PROPHECY!"
*EPIC GUITAR RIFF*
So, Jove explains that Aeneas is destined to lead to the founding of Rome, the most totally tubular of all empires ever! Clearly, they did not yet
have a prophecy regarding the founding of America!
*EPIC GUITAR VERSION OF THE STAR SPANGLED BANNER*
So, Venus drops down to Earth disguised as a huntress to give Aeneas directions to the nearest City, which happens to be Carthage, ruled by
Queen Dido. If that name sounds at all familiar,
she showed up in Dante's Inferno in the second circle of hell, so yeah, I'm sure this story is gonna
go great for her. So, Aeneas and the Trojan refugees head to Carthage, where Queen Dido happily invites them to rest up, offers to repair
their ships and even suggest that if they need a place to stay, Carthage is always open to them. Then Dido's like "Oh, Aeneas, wanna
tell us some of your awesome adventures over dinner, but not at all like Odysseus
did when he reached Phaeacia," and Aeneas is like "Sure thing, babe! It all started shortly before my city caught fire...."
So, Aeneas recounts the final days of The Trojan War, which really started getting interesting when the Trojan army roared into the Greek camp, only to
find it entirely deserted, save for an enormous wooden horse
and a lone greek kid named Sinon, (or
Seenon?) who they promptly captured. Sinon claims that the Greek army ran off, leaving him behind as a sacrifice to appease the gods,
so they'd let them set sail. Fans of Iphigenia
will note that this is, in fact, a strategy that the Greeks have employed previously to great effect and with ABSOLUTELY NO NEGATIVE
CONSEQUENCES! Anyway, they asked about the horse and Sinon
is like "That is an extremely complicated monument to Athena. Be careful! if you damage the statue at all,
she'll get pissed and strike you down with great vengeance! On the other hand, if you take it into your cities
she'll favor you and next time you'll beat the Greeks for sure!" So, the Trojan King, Priam, is like "Seems legit,"
and they drag the horse into town. Before I go any further,
there's an interesting bit of symbolism to note. The Trojan horse is described as a monument to Athena and, in a strange way, it is.
Athena is the goddess of wisdom, yes,
but she's also a goddess of war. As such, her cunning is often manifested into complex strategy and avoiding direct
confrontation, as opposed to the manifestation of war that Ares represented, which was rather more brute force and ignorance.
So, while the use of the Trojan horse is seen as a deceitful tactic,
it is undeniably a valid strategy and a brilliant one at that. In this way, it really is a tribute to Athena. Okay,
that's it for the analysis part, write your own darn paper. Anywho, yeah,
The Trojan Horse turns out to have been full of bloodthirsty Greeks
(spoiler alert by the way), so Aeneas is faced with the prospect of his beloved
city being turned into a flaming war-zone, does the heroic thing and runs very far in the opposite direction.
Our hero, everybody,
Well that's not entirely true, he does put up a pretty good fight, then he runs into Helen and considers brutally murdering her for events
entirely beyond her control. Our hero, everybody.
But Venus convinces him not to kill Helen, explaining that the war and the ruin of Troy weren't actually her fault. You're exactly right,
it wasn't her fault, Venus,
it wasn't her fault because it was your fault for
kidnapping her in the first place! Helen hasn't done a darn thing in this entire stupid epic cycle!!!
UGH, anyway.
Aeneas flees the battlefield and builds a fleet to escape then he goes island hopping until eventually reaching the foreign safe haven of Carthage and
if that sounds eerily reminiscent of the entire first half of the Odyssey, WELL IT SHOULD. Here are the only important things that happen along
the way.
Apollo- whoops, I mean -oh
I actually do mean Apollo. Anyway, Apollo is like "Yo Aeneas. Go fulfill the prophecy!"
*EPIC GUITAR RIFF*
He sends him to the land of his ancestors, that is, Italy, which isn't a thing yet.
So, Aeneas is rather confused as to where he's really supposed to go.
Aeneas manages to get cursed by a harpy, who dooms him to be unable to find Italy until the crew gets so hungry that they
have to eat their own tables.
Oddly specific.
The text does not elaborate on why exactly the Trojans didn't attempt a little table nibbling whenever they were having trouble finding the stupid place.
Aeneas, on his way to Scylla and Charybdis,
lands on the Island of the Cyclopes, where he runs into Achaemenides. If the name sounds unfamiliar, that's because he didn't exist before Virgil
retroactively wrote him into The Odyssey, where supposedly he was one of Odysseus's crewmembers and because Aeneas is just so perfect,
of course he takes him on board, despite the fact that Achaemenides is a Greek, and therefore one of the enemy. Anyway,
that's pretty much the end of any of Aeneas's story.
Yeah, he didn't bother recounting how he made it past Scylla and Charybdis. Guess, it was just that easy for him!
UGH. So, Dido finds herself falling in love with Aeneas,
but she's all conflicted 'n stuff because after her husband, Sychaeus died, she swore she'd never love again.
But Juno once again spots a golden opportunity to keep the Trojans from reaching Italy. If she can get Aeneas to stay in carthage
with Dido, she won't have to worry. So, she schemes to exploit the one thing that Venus is vulnerable to: playing matchmaker.
Yeah, that's right. Venus KNOWS Juno is playing her,
but she just can't resist the urge to set her son up with a super fine foreign queen. Christ. Okay,
I'll spare you the gory details, suffice to say that with both Juno and Venus conspiring to set Dido and Aeneas up together, they carry
on a whirlwind romance and immediately get sort of married. So, Aeneas relaxes in luxury for a while (hey, just like Odysseus
how about that?) but Jove gets antsy with all this loafing around and sends Hermes- yeah,
no, they use Hermes in the text-
So, Jove sends Hermes down to give Aeneas a verbal kick in the rear to get him back on track to fulfilling THE PROPHECY!
*EPIC DRAMATIC ORCHESTRA*
So, Hermes pops down and sasses Aeneas back into action and Aeneas immediately resolves to sneak away
So he won't have to explain his actions to his wife. Because that would be awkward? Well,
it doesn't matter anyway since Dido catches him trying to sneak off and demands he explain himself. So, he's like "Dido,
I can't stay with you. I have to fulfill the prophecy,"
*OMINOUS CHORUS*
So Aeneas runs off, and Dido commits an impressively over-the-top suicide.
So, first she sets herself on fire along with all of Aeneas's possessions,
and then she stabs herself with his sword. Then, with her dying breath she declares that the
Carthaginians will forever be at war with Aeneas's people.
Blue: Ooh, I covered this in my Roman Republic video!
This is a reference to the Punic Wars of the Romans and the Carthaginians fought- Red: NO!
Blue: Oh, god, not the face! Red: My video!
Aeneas, having sailed away during all the commotion,
lands on the shores of Sicily and in light of this recent and terrible tragedy, holds funeral games.
For his father. Because it's his one year death anniversary.
Way to prioritize your loved ones, you knave! So, while the men are engaging in those healthy sporting and 100%
heterosexual activities, Juno sneakily persuades the Trojan women, who by now a rather sick of all this sailing nonsense, to burn their ships so that
instead of continuing to search for Italy, they'll be forced to settle in Sicily instead.
This is actually a pretty great idea, so the ladies set the boats on fire and all the men freak out and try to
put it out. When that doesn't work, Jove does what he does best and summons a massive thunderstorm to put out the fires. instead
So, crisis averted right?
Well, yeah.
But even Aeneas has to admit that all this sailing around is getting pretty old, so he gives the people too frail or too bored
to continue sailing to Italy the option of staying and founding their own city right there in Sicily. So Aeneas, with a greatly reduced crew,
sets off towards Italy once more and this time around, to ensure that no more
shenanigans happen, Neptune grants them safe passage
straight to Italy. So, yeah! Aeneas and the Trojans finally reached Cumae, a city on the coast of Italy. Hey, they did it! *APPLAUSE*
But since they don't actually know where italy is or what it looks like they don't realize they did it. *HESISTANT APPLAUSE* "you suck"
Then- Christ- then, Aeneas has to travel into the underworld! Sound familiar?
Well it should! So, Aeneas descends into the underworld. All the dead Greeks flee him, because clearly
Aeneas was such a first-tier hero in the Iliad that every Achaean would know and fear him, and then he talks to his dad, Anchises,
who tells him THE PROPHECY!
*EPIC GUITAR RIFF*
So, according to the prophecy,
Aeneas is destined to lead to the founding of a great city in Italy that will rise to become a great empire and usher in
a worldwide Golden Age. For the record, the ones who actually do the heavy lifting are Aeneas's descendants, Romulus and Remus.
So, Aeneas pops back out of the underworld and they sail up the Italian coast to Latium, which Virgil tells us is currently
ruled by King Latinus, who has a single daughter Lavinia, who is currently being pursued by a ludicrous number of aspiring Suitors and if that
"one woman being pursued by a ludicrous number of aspiring suitors while her real husband is coming up the coast" sounds familiar,
WELL IT SHOULD! Of these suitors,
the most desirable is a Latin bloke named Turnus, but Latinus is informed in a dream that his daughter shouldn't marry a Latin,
but instead a foreigner. A very specific foreigner! Cut to Aeneas eating pizza on the beach. Okay,
It's not pizza per se,
but it is toppings on flatbread, so it's basically pizza. Anyway, one of Aeneas's men is like "Hey, check it out!
We got so hungry we ate our bread-table-plate things!" and Aeneas is like "*GASP* The prophecy!"
*OMINOUS MUSIC*
As you may recall, that harpy from earlier that we glossed over said they wouldn't find Italy until they ate their tables,
and now they're in Italy, sort of eating their sort of tables! And things just keep getting better for Aeneas since as soon as Latinus
lays eyes on him, he decides that the lad is the perfect
foreigner to marry his daughter to! So, that's it, right? Aeneas is destined to marry Lavinia, cause the founding of Rome, and then everything will
be radical forever? Well yeah, but first
there's this war thing. Yeah, remember how determined Juno was to ruin everything? Well,
she's back!
Juno sends a fury, Alecto, to mess with Latinus's wife and make her oppose the marriage between Aeneas and Lavinia. Then Alecto zips
over to Turnus and infects him with the rage virus or something, and then it's off to where we go! Hey, that sounded pretty
familiar, huh?
So, this is the part of the book where Virgil
transitions seamlessly from shamelessly ripping off The Odyssey to shamelessly ripping off The Iliad. At this point,
it would be easier to list all the things in this war that don't directly parallel key events in the Trojan War,
but that isn't my job! So, here are all the things that could be generously described as "mirroring" key events in The Iliad
Aeneas gets a pretty hearty relationship going with this kid, Pallas,
who's the son of this Arcadian king, Evander. Their relationship is meant to emulate that of Achilles and Patroclus, albeit significantly less romantic.
The war is
Initiated because of a woman being married to one man as opposed to a different man, due to the intervention of Venus no less.
Hephaestus, known by the Romans as Vulcan, (no relation), forges Aeneas a shield. SOUND FAMILIAR? WELL IT SHOULD.
Two Trojans embark on a nighttime stealth mission into the enemy camp.
They end up dead though, so that's a... difference. Jove gets mad at the Olympians, Juno specifically, for meddling the Trojans.
Aeneas's buddy, Pallas gets brutally murdered in a rather
Patrocles-like way, by the Hector-like enemy leader, Turnus, who takes his gear, which prompts Aeneas to an Achilles- like rage,
which is temporarily interrupted by
the suggestion that the war get resolved by a duel between the two leaders of the armies. After some shenanigans,
they finally get them in the same place to try and kill each other, but that is interrupted because a
goddess intervenes and coaxes a soldier into chucking a spear at one of the leaders, provoking all-out war once again.
Then Aeneas burns the unprotected enemy city to the ground. Hey, remember when he was really mad about that happening? Gotta love hypocrisy. And
finally, Aeneas, enraged by the murder of his buddy Pallas and the fact that Turnus is wearing Pallas's gear, murders the now wounded and helpless
enemy.
Wonder what Hector thought of that? The combination of the last two events successfully transforms Aeneas into that which he hates the most- a cross
between Achilles and Odysseus, which is a historical fanfiction all on its own, and more importantly, NOT ONE I'M REMOTELY INTERESTED IN!
*EPIC GUITAR RIFF*