We often, in the beginning, would just answer yes
to the question, "Are you a girl or a boy?"
And then just leave it.
And then people get to sit with, "Wait, what?"
Because we wouldn't actually give an answer.
We always wanted to have kids.
Well I think it was an argument for a little while
about who would carry first because
we both wanted to do it but I am older
and so I won.
As queer people, it was really difficult to get pregnant
and it was like a really big struggle at every level
and it wasn't something necessarily that
we heard a lot of people talking about.
It was so expensive, and we were tapped out.
So, the baby came right in time to be broke with us.
I'm non-binary and he's trans,
and I think what we ultimately decided on was just we
want this kid's feelings about gender to come
from this person and not to come from us or
from grandparents or from schools
or from wherever.
You want to use a fork?
Yeah?
Ok, hold it.
I think some of the questions that come up often
are like, "Why not just raise Zu the sex that matches
with their genitals or whatnot and then,
you know, if they decide that their gender is
something else, go with that?"
I think that still sets this kid up for certain expectations
that would come from outside of themselves.
So, if I'm raising you to be a girl,
you're going to feel some kind of expectation
to be a girl.
This person's gender or gender identity or expression
has zero to do with anybody else.
So, we never said that everybody else has to adhere
to our rules or lack of rules about gender.
We never said that somebody else has to
change their pronouns.
It was just this person and really,
it's just listening to this person.
2018 was when California actually started allowing
people to get Xs on their driver's license
as a way to identify.
So, you can either get M, F, or X.
And so, we had a conversation with their doctor
and was able to get it approved to have just
a blank space.
So, nothing on Zu's birth certificate.
I don't think either has put a lot of thought
into the Social Security number.
I kind of just assumed that they would have
to do something differently since
we had a birth certificate for this kid with
no gender assignment.
But that wasn't the case.
I think they just sized up are like 6-month-old baby
and then decided.
Yeah.
Then decided for us, which was…
which was what it was but...
They came back and said, you know, your baby
is a boy and handed his paperwork back
and we were like, wait, what?
They gave us all of our information that we
had back and then said that our Social Security card
would be in the mail and closed the window.
And that was kind of the end of that conversation.
Yeah, there was no there was no follow-up
or explanation around how they came to the
conclusion that they came to.
We weren't able to file taxes unless this kid
had a Social Security number and we needed
the money.
So, we had to do it.
So, we did.
Both Jay and I know that it's not fun to have
documents that don't match.
I've gone through it when I had my name change
and I was able to get my license changed.
Idaho residents can now go gender neutral
on their driver's licenses.
This legislation is very clear.
It says you can identify yourself as a male,
female or with an X
on a New York City birth certificate.
Well, right now in Colorado, you have this third option
right there to put on your driver's license.
I definitely feel like I get the pushback of
but this kid is not you.
I understand Zu's not me
and that it's pretty likely that
They'll be cis and not queer but to deny that
they could be is also kind of like denying
my own existence.
How can I say Zu wouldn't be this if I grew up
to be a certain way and it would have just been easier
for me if I knew about these different identities
and was able to learn about them
and see where I fit into them.
It's definitely something that we try to, I guess,
model, in a way.
And so, when we're out, you know, right now
this kid is obsessed with buses and we're
talking about the bus driver, we're not going
to say he or she we'll say that person.
And it's just a way to show Zu, we don't want
to assume anybody else's gender the way we
wouldn't want anybody to assume yours.
So I think it's just those kind of small things
for now, until Zu has the capacity to have
a bigger conversation and at that point, we're hoping
that these smaller things have added up enough
that it'll be a little bit easier to
have those conversations.
I do want this baby to know also that there are
people in the world that don't agree with what we're
doing and so you're going to encounter those people.
And so, we practice saying things and I don't
pull my punches when people come and are combative
with us in the street because the baby is there.
I want this person to know that it's okay to stick up
for yourself and it's okay to not have people
step on you.
It's something that I think is important enough
that Miguel and I are willing to fight for it,
for this baby and if it means we got to take on
more than makes sense, then we will.
Because it doesn't feel right to me that we would be
forced into a space where we would have to do
something that we don't believe in and
push that on our kid.
I don't do that with me and so I don't think it's
appropriate to do it with the baby either.
It feels like the best choice because it's the best
reminder for me that this is Zu's life.
And, you know, even though we were the ones
that did all of these things and spent all
this money to bring this kid into this world,
this is still now Zu's life.
Folks feel like this is very new and very different,
the way that we're parenting.
And I'd just like to remind folks
that it's really not.
We're still just overwhelmingly regular parents.
And we're still trying to make sure this kid stays alive,
and buying food that they'll actually eat,
and our house is a mess, and we've got
piles of laundry.
And so much of this is just regular parenting.
And we've just added this one other thing
that quite honestly doesn't come up
all that often.