>> Stephen: WELCOME ONE AND
ALL TO THE LATE SHOW I'M YOUR HOST, STEPHEN COLBERT.
WELL, YOU KNOW, YOU CAN FEEL SORT OF THE ENERGY IN THE NEWS
CYCLE PICKING UP BECAUSE THE MID TERMS ARE ONLY ABOUT FIVE WEEKS
AWAY, MAYBE A LITTLE LESS. AND ONE OF THE KEY RACES FOR
CONTROL OF THE SENATE WAS TURNED COMPLETELY UPSIDE DOWN LAST
NIGHT. I'M TALKING ABOUT THE GEORGIA
SENATE RACE BETWEEN INCUMBENT DEMOCRATIC SENATOR AND KING OF
THE SEARS PORTRAIT STUDIO, RAPHAEL WARNOCK, G.O.P. NOMINEE
AND PSYCHIC FAILING TO READ HIS OWN MIND, HERSCHEL WALKER.
WALKER HAS MADE HEADLINES BECAUSE HE IS IN FAVOR OF A
NATIONAL ABORTION BAN WITH "NO EXCEPTIONS."
TURNS OUT, HE MIGHT MAKE ONE EXCEPTION TO THAT
BECAUSE REPORTEDLY, BACK IN 2009 HERSCHEL WALKER PAID FOR HIS
GIRLFRIEND'S ABORTION. I HAVEN'T SEEN A HYPOCRITE THIS
BIG SINCE GANDHI DID THAT AD FOR ARBY'S.
"BE THE MEATS YOU WISH TO SEE IN THE WORLD."
OF COURSE, WALKER DENIES IT. HE TWEETED THAT THE REPORT IS
"A FLAT-OUT LIE." AND IF THERE'S ONE THING
HERSCHEL WALKER KNOWS, IT'S LYING.
BECAUSE HE HAS DONE A TON OF IT, INCLUDING, FALSELY CLAIMED
FALSELY CLAIMING HE WAS AN F.B.I. AGENT, HIDING THE FACT
THAT HE HAD SECRET CHILDREN FROM HIS OWN CAMPAIGN, AND FALSELY
CLAIMING HE NEVER FALSELY CLAIMED TO HAVE GRADUATED FROM
THE UNIVERSITY OF GEORGIA. REALLY!
, HE NOT ONLY, THAT'S IMPRESSIVE.
HE NOT ONLY LIED, HE LIED ABOUT LYING.
WHAT KIND OF LESSON DOES THAT TEACH HIS SECRET CHILDREN?
AND THIS WOMAN HAS THE RECEIPTS. SPECIFICALLY, A RECEIPT FROM THE
ABORTION CLINIC, A COPY OF A $700 CHECK FROM MR. WALKER, AND
A SIGNED GET WELL CARD. THIS IS, WHAT'S THE WORD?
SO WALKER WENT ON THE FOX A DISASTER. NEWS,
AND WAS ASKED ABOUT THIS EVIDENCE BY THE MOST EFFECTIVE
FORM OF BIRTH CONTROL KNOWN TO MAN, SEAN HANNITY.
JIM? >> THE GET WELL CARD, IT LOOKS
LIKE IT'S INCLUDED WITH YOUR SIGNATURE IN THE ARTICLE.
HAVE YOU SEEN IT? IS THAT YOUR SIGNATURE?
BUT, YOU KNOW, I CAN TELL YOU >> I HAVEN'T SEEN IT. I
SENT OUT SO MANY GET WELL SEND OUT SO MUCH OF ANYTHING.
>> Stephen: WELL, SURE, ALL CELEBRITIES SEND CARDS TO
COMPLETE STRANGERS. IN FACT, HERSCHEL'S GOING
THROUGH A TOUGH TIME RIGHT NOW, SO LET ME JUST GET THIS DOWN
REAL QUICK. (APPLAUSE)
DEAR HERSCHEL, GETS WELL-- YOU KNOW WHAT, GET [BLEEP].
STEPHEN." AND I WILL MAIL THAT, THROUGH
THE TELEVISION. (APPLAUSE)
>> THAT'S GOOD. WALKER HAD A PRETTY TERRIBLE
EXCUSE FOR THE MONEY TOO. >> WHAT ABOUT THE $700 CHECK?
IS THERE ANYBODY YOU CAN REMEMBER SENDING THAT MUCH MONEY
TO? >> WELL I SEND MONEY TO A LOT
OF PEOPLE AND THAT'S WHAT'S SO FUNNY.
I DO SCHOLARSHIPS FOR KIDS, I GIVE MONEY TO PEOPLE ALL THE
TIME BECAUSE I'M ALWAYS HELPING PEOPLE BECAUSE I BELIEVE IN
BEING GENEROUS. >> Stephen: IT'S TRUE! HE DOES
LIKE HELPING PEOPLE. FOR INSTANCE, THAT INTERVIEW
REALLY HELPED RAPHAEL WARNOCK. ALSO IN THE MIDTERMS, THERE'S
SOME INTERESTING NEW FOOTAGE OUT OF THE MICHIGAN GOVERNOR'S RACE,
WHERE INCUMBENT GRETCHEN WHITMER IS RUNNING AGAINST REPUBLICAN
NOMINEE AND WOMAN LECTURING THE WAITER JUST HOW SPICY SHE
WANTS THAT-A MEAT-A-BALL, TUDOR DIXON.
IN THE LATEST POLLS, SHE'S TRAILING WHITMER BY A WHOPPING
17 POINTS, AND SHE'S RAISED SO LITTLE CASH THAT HER CAMPAIGN
HAS NOT HAD THE MONEY TO FUND ITS OWN COMMERCIALS.
SO MICHIGAN'S GRASHITT COUNTY REPUBLICAN PARTY MADE THEIR OWN
COMMERCIAL FOR DIXON, AND THEY DIDN'T LET THEIR LACK OF BUDGET
DIXON SHARED IT ON SOCIAL OR TALENT STOP THEM. MEDIA
AND NOW, WELL, I'M SHARING IT WITH YOU.
>> HEY HAVE YOU SEEN THE TV JIM? ADS
WITH THE GOVERNOR TALKING ABOUT THE GREAT THINGS SHE'S DONE FOR
MICHIGAN? >> SHE'S A LIAR.
WHITMER CAN SAY WHAT SHE WANTS BUT WE LIVE HERE.
JUST LOOK AROUND MAN. >> DURING COVID, WHITMER LOCKED
BARBER, AND PUT ONE WOMAN FROM DOWN BUSINESSES LIKE THE HOLLAND
IN JAIL. >> OH YEAH.
>> Stephen: MAN, I GOT TO SAY, SONS OF ANARCHY IS NOT AS GOOD
AS I REMEMBER. ITS DMEUMENTD BIKERS HAD MORE
THE COMMUNITY THEATER BIKERS COMPLAINTSES. HAD
SOME MORE COMPLAINTS ABOUT WHITMER:
>> 3,000 RESTAURANTS CLOSED. AND SHE'S PRO BUSINESS? PERSON
>> YEAH RIGHT. >> AND WHAT ABOUT THOSE HIGHER
GAS AND FOOD PRICES? >> OUR SCHOOLS WERE CLOSED FOR
ALMOST TWO YEARS. POOR KIDS!
>> AND SHE PUT COVID PATIENTS IN GRAM'S NURSING HOME!
>> GRAM DIED ALONE. >> WOW, WOW.
>> Stephen: AND THE OSCAR GOES TO... BIKER GANDALF!
(APPLAUSE) IT'S SAD, IT'S SO SAD.
ALSO, YOU CAN'T BE MAD THAT WHITMER CLOSED SCHOOLS AND ALSO
BE MAD ABOUT PEOPLE CATCHING COVID!
"DRUNK DRIVING'S UP AND SHE CLOSED THE BARS.
GRAM DRANK ALONE." THEN IT WAS TIME TO PLUG THEIR
CANDIDATE OF CHOICE... SOMEONE: >> OKAY OKAY, I'M VOTING FOR THE
OTHER CHICK! WHATS HER NAME?
>> Stephen: THAT'S JUST THE KIND OF ENTHUSIASTIC ENDORSEMENT
THAT'LL PUT YOUR CAMPAIGN OVER THE TOP.
REMINDS ME OF THE EISENHOWER'S CAMPAIGN SLOGAN: I LIKE... THE
BALD DUDE. WHAT'S HIS NAME?
EVENTUALLY, THEY REMEMBERED JIMMY CRIMCRAM? THE
CANDIDATE THEY LOVE SO DEAR. >> OKAY OKAY, I'M VOTING FOR THE
OTHER CHICK! WHAT'S HER NAME?
>> TUDOR DIXON! OKAY LET'S ROLL!
>> WATCH OUT FOR POTHOLES! >> Stephen: "OKAY, HERE WE GO!
UH OH, IT'S A POTHOLE! I HOPE GRAM DOESN'T HIT IT.
GRAM RIDES ALONE."
(APPLAUSE) S AND THE OSCAR GOES TO.
OF COURSE, THE BIGGEST ISSUE IN THE MIDTERMS REMAINS FORMER
PRESIDENT THE LOCH NESS FRAUDSTER.
ALL THE NEWS ABOUT HIM IS TERRIBLE, SO YESTERDAY HE
DECIDED TO DO SOMETHING ABOUT IT.
HE SUED CNN FOR DEFAMATION, CHARGING THE CHANNEL ACTED WITH
"REAL ANIMOSITY" TO CAUSE HIM "TRUE HARM."
TRUE HARM? THEY REPORTED THE FACTS!
THAT'S LIKE SUING YOUR MIRROR FOR GIVING YOU CANKLES.
-- YOU SUE YOUR MOM AND DAT. SPECIFICALLY, THE SUIT CLAIMS
THAT CNN TRIED TO TAINT THE PLAINTIFF, WHICH IS NOT EASY.
THE PLAINTIFF IS MOSTLY TAINT.
(CHEERS AND APPLAUSE) WE'RE BACK, BABY!
WE'RE BACK! TOUCH AND GO THERE FOR AWHILE,
EVER-MORE SCANDALOUS, FALSE, WITH A SERIES OF AND
DEFAMATORY LABELS OF 'RACIST,' 'RUSSIAN LACKEY,'
'INSURRECTIONIST,' AND ULTIMATELY 'HITLER'."
COURSE, ALSO THE NAME OF WORLD "ULTIMATELY HITLER," OF WAR 2'S
WORST-SELLING COLOGNE. OVER IN EASTERN EUROPE,
UKRAINE'S ARMY HAS ONCE AGAIN BLOWN THROUGH PUTIN'S FORCES,
THIS IS TODAY, REALLY HAPPENING, AMAZING.
TODAY THEY HAVE RECAPTURING LARGE SWATHS OF
TERRITORY FROM THE RUSSIANS. ANYONE WHO THINKS THEY KNOW
HOW THIS WAR IS GOING TO END IS AN IDIOT.
ENTER TESLA FOUNDER AND EVIL BARON FROM THE NEW SEASON OF
BRIDGERTON, ELON MUSK. YESTERDAY, MUSK FLOATED AN
INSANE NEW PLAN TO END THE WAR IN THE MOST ELON MUSK WAY
POSSIBLE: VIA TWITTER POLL. SO WHAT WAS IN MUSK'S BLAN.
REDO ELECTIONS OF A NEGOTIATIONED REGON UNDER
"REDO ELECTIONS OF ANNEXED REGIONS UNDER U.N. SUPERVISION."
"CRIMEA FORMALLY PART OF RUSSIA."
"WATER SUPPLY TO CRIMEA ASSURED."
"UKRAINE REMAINS NEUTRAL." SO RUSSIA GETS EVERYTHING THEY
WANT, BUT IN EXCHANGE, UKRAINE GIVES RUSSIA EVERYTHING THEY
SOUNDS LIKE THE KIND OF PLAN WANT. THE
KREMLIN WOULD THANK HIM FOR. WHICH COULD BE WHY, SHORTLY
AFTER, THE KREMLIN THANKED HIM FOR IT.
SEEMS LIKE MUSK IS DOING RUSSIA'S BIDDING HERE.
EXPLAINSWHY HIS LATEST MODEL TESLA... IS POTATO.
I LIKE THEY GOT THE OLD-FASHIONED GRILL, THAT OLD
GRILL ON THE FRONT, THEY DON'T MAKE THAT ANY MORE, THAT IS
TOP UKRAINIAN OFFICIALS FIRST GENERATION. CLAPPED
UKRAINE'S AMBASSADOR TO BACK AT MUSK'S POLL. GERMANY
RESPONDED: (/
THAT'S NOT RIGHT. THE DIPLOMATIC REPLY WOULD BE
'PLEASE' (/
HABERMAN. BUT WHEN WE COME BACK,
"MEANWHILE!" JOIN US, WON'T YOU?