WELCOME, WELCOME ONE AND ALL TO THE LATE SHOW, I'M YOUR HOST
STEPHEN COLBERT.
WELL, IT IS THE FIRST FULL DAY, FIRST FULL DAY OF DONALD TRUMP'S
TRIP TO EUROPE.
HE'S IN BRUSSELS FOR THE NATO SUMMIT AND THEN IT ON TO ENGLAND
AND THEN HE'S GOING TO STRAIGHT TO HELL-- I'LL SORRY, HELSINKI
TO MEET WITH VLADIMIR PUTIN.
AND SO FAR THE TRIP IS GOING-- (LAUGHTER)
AND IT'S NOT THAT BAD, IT'S NOT LIKE HE HAS TURNED NATO UPSIDE
DOWN, RIGHT, JIMMY?
OH MY GOD!
(LAUGHTER) AS "THE NEW YORK TIMES" PUT IT,
MR. TRUMP KICKED OFF HIS MEETINGS ON A CONTENTIOUS NOTE.
CONTENTIOUS IS HIS ONLY NOTE!
(LAUGHTER) HE'S AN AIR HORN.
THE BUMPY RIDE STARTED AT A BREAKFAST WITH NATO SECRETARY
GENERAL.
NOT HOW TRUMP IS THE ONLY ONE WHO ALREADY CHUCKED HIS JUICE.
I'M MAKING SURE WHEN I MEET PUTIN I HAVE A FULL BLADDER.
(LAUGHTER) LOOK, THAT DOESN'T MAKE ANY
SENSE.
THAT MAKES NO SENSE.
THAT DOESN'T MAKE SENSE.
NOT EVEN AS A JOKE DOES THAT MAKE SENSE.
RIGHT OFF THE BAT TRUMP DIRECTED HIS ONE NOTE AT ONE PARTICULAR
COUNTRY.
>> IT'S VERY SAD WHEN GERMANY MAKES A MASSIVE OIL AND GAS DEAL
WITH RUSSIA WHERE WE'RE SPOAT SUPPOSED TO BE GUNNING AGAINST
RUSSIA AND GERMANY GOES OUT AND PAYS BILLIONS AND BILLIONS OF
DOLLARS A YEAR TO RUSSIA.
GERMANY IS TOTALLY CONTROLLED BY RUSSIA.
GERMANY IS TOOLTLY CONTROLLED WITH RUSSIA AND I WILL TILL
WHAT, HAD SEX WITH A PORN STAR, ANGELA MERKEL, SHE DID ANGELA OF
LOS TO GET SPANKERRED WITH A ROLLED UP DER SPIEGEL.
SHE IS-- THAT IS ONE SICK FRAULEIN.
TRUMP CLAIMS GERMANY IS CONTROLLED BY RUSSIA BECAUSE 35%
OF THEIR NATURAL GAS COMES FROM RUSSIA.
IT'S TRUE, WE'RE ALL CONTROLLED BY THE PEOPLE WITHOUT GIVE US
OUR GAS WHICH IS WHY I'M FOREVER BEHOLDEN TO THE CHEVRON ON ROUTE
3.
WHEN THEY INVADED THE PIZZA HUT NEXT DOOR I SAID NOTHING.
WHAT COULD I DO.
(LAUGHTER) WE SHOULD HAVE SEEN ALL OF THIS
COMING.
BECAUSE RIGHT BEFORE HE LEFT ON THE TRIP TRUMP TALKED ABOUT HIS
THREE STOPS, GUESS WHICH ONE HE WAS MOST EXCITED ABOUT.
>> SO I HAVE NATO, I HAVE THE U.K. WHICH IS BEEN SOME WHAT
TURMOIL AND HAVE I PUTIN.
FRANKLY, PUTEN MAY BE THE EASIEST OF THEM ALL WHO WOULD I
THIS, WHO I WOULD THINK?
>> Stephen: I WOULD THINK.
EVERY ONE WOULD THINK IT.
>> THAT'S RIGHT.
>> Stephen: I'M NOT READY TO SAY OUR PRESIDENT IS A RUSSIAN
AGENCY BUT I HAVE AN AGENT AND HE DOESN'T DO AS MUCH FOR ME AS
TRUMP DOES FOR RUSSIA.
(LAUGHTER) I LOVE YOU, BABY DOLL, I LOVE
YOU BABY DOLL.
(APPLAUSE) I LOVE YOU BABY DOLL, BUT YOU
NEVER SWUNG AN ELECTION FOR ME, OKAY.
I LOST TO JOHN OLIVER.
>> Jon: COME ON, BABY DOLL.
>> Stephen: ANDS' -- IT'S NOT JUST JOURNALIST WHO NOTICED, SO
HAS FOX NEWS.
LISTEN TO THIS MESSAGE TO REPUBLICANS FROM THE FOX NEWS
POLITICAL EDITOR.
>> YOU WILL NOT STOP DORN ALD TRUMP FROM UNDERMINING NATO.
WILL YOU NOT STOP HIM FROM REALAINING U.S. FOREIGN POLICY
TO BE MORE FAVORABLE TOWARDS RUSSIA.
HE IS ABOUTING TO DO IT IS HE GOING TO FLY INTO BRUSSELS LIKE
A SIEGEL.
IS HE GOING TO DEFECATE ALL OVER EVERYTHING, SCWAWK AND FLY AWAY.
>> Stephen: WOW.
WOW.
THAT, THAT RIGHT THERE-- (APPLAUSE)
YEAH, I AGREE.
I JUST WANT TO TAKE A LITTLE TIME HERE TO GET REAL FOR A
SECOND.
OKAY, JIM, LET'S GO TO REAL TOWN.
LOOK.
IF YOU LIKE THE PRESIDENT, YOU DON'T LIKE THE PRESIDENT, IT
DOESN'T MATTER.
WE ALL KNOW WHAT'S GOING ON HERE.
TRUMP IS TRYING TO WEAKEN THE EU AND WEAKEN FATO AND BREAK UP THE
EUROPEAN ALLIANCE WHICH IS EXACTLY WHAT RUSSIA WANTS.
THIS IS NOT A THEORY.
THIS IS HAPPENING IN PUBLIC.
WHAT WE DON'T KNOW IS WHY.
MAYBE HE IS SUCKING UP TO PUTIN TO FINALLY BUILD THAT TRUMP
TOWER IN MOSCOW.
MAYBE HE WANTS TO REALIGN THE GLOBAL POWER STRUCTURE, USE
RUSSIA AS AN ALLY AGAINST AN EMERGING CHINA OR MAYBE PUTIN
HAS A TAPE OF HIM IN A HOTEL WITH TWO HOOKERS GOING OH, DADDY
LAKES, I LOVE IT.
I LOVE IT!
(CHEERS AND APPLAUSE) ALL OF THAT IS OPEN TO DEBATE
BUT IT'S THE LAST ONE.
BUT I JUST WANT TO SAY FOR THE RECORD AND PLEASE DON'T CARVE
THIS ON MY TEUMENTSTONE,-- TOMBSTONE, I
AGREE WITH THE FOX NEWS GUY, AND THAT WAS REALTOWN.
AND THAT WAS NOT TRUMP'S ONLY BLUNDER.
DURING THE NATO WELCOMING CEREMONY, WHILE EVERYONE ELSE
WAS LOOKING AT A MILITARY FLY OVER HERE IS TRUMP LOOKING IN
THE WRONG DIRECTION.
(LAUGHTER) (APPLAUSE)
MY CONDOLENCES TO THE PRESIDENT FOR HIS CRUSHING DEFEAT IN THE
FIRST ROUND OF INTERNATIONAL SIMON SAYS.