[ muffled ] Hey guys, it's me, Dunkey.
I'm here with my new game.
Jazzpunk.
Just flew in and boy are my arms tired.
I gotta go get my first mission from Reynolds.
"Please, have a seat."
"We have much business to discuss."
Of course, of course.
[ whoopee cushion deflating ]
What are we talking, are we talkin' fuckin' penguins, uh, fuckin' -
"If you need me, I'll be in the wine cellar."
Yes. Yes. Thank you.
Thank you for explaining me the game.
It says take one.
I'm gonna go ahead - I ate the whole bottle.
"Do I have something on my face?"
Yeah, it looks like you glued some Captain Crunch on here.
"Ok, I love you, bye bye."
This guy gave me a gum.
This is a nice man.
"My eyes."
Aw, god, I'm sorry, I'll -
OH NO
Oh no, Bob, I'll fix this! I can fix this!
Sir, can you help -
[ man screams ]
Oh no!
X-box, on.
Pull up Dominos' web site.
I've been sucked into the pizza realm.
A cold and desolate place.
I see a Pizza Cabin in the distance.
With a lone...
...typewriter.
[ odd laughter, creaking ]
[ quietly ] Oh no.
Oh no.
No no no no no no
NO
OH NO
NO NOOO
Oh.
Back to here, where everything is normal.
[ noisemaker blowing ]
I did it!
Hey guys, you see this?
It's a good thing I'm recording this.
What is this, like a little Barbie CD player that you just eat in the--
Never take - oh, I just -
I just did what it says to never do.
[ glass breaking ]
I'm gonna die.
"Go away."
NO!
This is expensive stuff, Charlene. Spray it on your eyes.
[ screams ]
What have I done.
And they say I look like Chuck E. Cheese.
Whoa, Jazzpunk for the NES!
I'll just emulate it.
Oh, he's like a little sheriff Woody.
"Believe in yourself."
Aw man, he says some cool stuff.
What is he gonna--
"Best friends forever."
Aw man.
You got a friend in me.
"I know where you sleep at night."
Oh god.
[ inhales, exhales ]
This is the life.
♫ It's a swing wing ♫
"It's a what?"
[ quietly singing along ] ♫ It's a swing thing ♫
♫ It's a wing thing ♫
Get a job?
Man, I'd like to give YOU a job if you know what I'm sayin'.
Hey, man!
Hey, that's bullshit!
Come on, baby.
You know I was just playin -
You know I was just playin', man -
NO COME ON, COME ON NOW
I've been all around the city to capture these pigeons for him.
What is he gonna do?
Oh.
"Please wait while they bake."
OK.
This is gonna be good, I can tell.
"Just like meemaw used to make."
I don't LIKE IT!
"I have fourth degree burns all over my entire face."
[ Dunkey laughing ]
[ whistling ]
HEY!
Who did that?!
Thank god I had these installed.
[ humming James Bond theme ]
Ooh, what's goin' on in here?
Yep.
Business as usual.
Bidness as usual.
What's goin' on over here? Fire alarm?
Ice alarm?
[ cracking up ] Ice alarm.
[ laughing ]
Now to make my escape.
WHEE
Give me da money.
"I hope you're ready for another job."
Another job? I don't even -
Hey!
Get back here.
He forgot his shoes.
Oh, now I'm somewhere in Russia, I believe.
"My fly shop has been infested with vases!"
Yeah, whatever.
I'll fix it.
This is what I do, lady.
I get flies with a fly swatter.
You ever played Mario Paint?
That was me.
[ quietly ] That was me.
[ glass breaking ] Yeah.
Yeah, I got you now, you son of a bitch.
Suck on this.
I did it.
"I am in overwhelming debt."
Yes you are.
"I'm not that kind of girl!"
[ quietly ] Yes you are.
"This is an acquired taste."
"I kind of like this now."
Suck on this!
Oh hey! He was a fly!
He was a fly the whole time!
[ gasps ]
He was a fly!
[ gasps ] Flies!
They're all flies!
Oh god. I'm so sorry.
And remember, Niko - no Russian.
"Please take off your shoes."
I do what I want.
Now I'm gonna clean house.
"I am not a fly."
You are OUTTA here.
Let's look at what their bathrooms are like.
See?
These countries are so crazy.
OH I MISSED
[ fish inflating ]
"You have bestowed brindness upon me."
OH I MISSED
"Please to call hospital."
OH I MISSED
OH I - HIT
That's my top-secret Mountain Dew sauce.
It should never be eaten.
[ vomiting from afar ]
Unless you're at least 25th prestige in Call of Duty: Black Ops.
Are you OK in there, Richard?
Oh, look at this.
This is horrible.
"You have yourself a wonderful evenin'."
This is just horrible.
I'm gonna take this kidney, OK Richard?
I'm gonna take t -
I gotta get this home.
"Would you like me to wrap that up for you?"
Oh, please.
Please do.
Get the fuck outta my face, letters!
I have the Prima strategy guide.
"Hand over the wetware."
Oh, shut up.
Shut the mouth.
Just shut the god damn mouth.
[ bowling pin sounds ]
What is this, a little Barbie meatballs?
『 それは、味噌の肛門。』
WHAT?!
[ spitting ]
『 御免なさい。』
Ah, thank you, thank you. That was disgus--
『 それだって、鳩のミルク。』
WHAT?!
[ spitting ]
『 ごめん。』
How can you feed me this?!
Thank you, thank you very much.
『 それは、猿の水。』
[ yells, spits ]
Well, well, well.
What do we have here?
DIE!
DIE OUT OF MY WAY!
"Please don't hurt me. I'm a sensitive man."
Another day, another dollar. "Fantastic work."
I think the room is filling up. "Now I can finally make my steak and kidney pie."
You said that was for a mission.
"That seems to have attracted us a bit more heat than usual."
Why is the room filling up with water? "We'll have to wait for things to cool down a bit"
He doesn't notice. "In the meantime, I'll set you up with a vacation."
Aw, vacation!
Cool!
This flight is really inconvenient.
It drives to Antarctica, and then it takes you all around to Hawaii.
Aw, I don't want to go to The Cube, I just went there last summer.
Beyond Thun -
Oh, Orangutan - that could be fun.
Ooh, I know this.
"Lok'tar!"
This is Starcraft.
"Zug zug!"
OH GOD
NOO
What's in the cake?
Of course.
Wedding Qake.
Of course.
Here we go.
Eh, my ping is terrible.
I got no gamefuel, so -
OH
But does it matter?
But does it matter, you fucking bas -
"Do your best to aim for my gaping jowls."
No worries, Count Dracula.
You can count on me.
I beat Wedding Qake.
"Excellent marksmanship."
It'll be YEEEARS before you can face me, Some Honda!
Got a customized HORI fightstick.
With turbo on!
"You win."
"Perfect."
So at this point, I just need to pick up, the, uh...
Roller pig.
And then I can go to the pillow fight.
You guys saw what I did to that car.
[ grunting ]
GET OUTTA HERE!
Yeah!
YOU SHOULD NEVER FUCK WITH ME!
All right, this is for the championship.
I gotta play this guy in Virtual Boy tennis.
The controls suck ass.
Ooh, maybe I can hit it back with the folding chair.
Here we go.
There we go, there we go!
Oh my god.
This is impossible.
No.
Fuck this.
Champion.
I win, baby.