Eighty one (81) gods approached the court of Yakami.
Every one of them has come with a single goal in mind.
To win the hand of the princess.
Eighty (80) of them stand tall and resolute,
And one of them stoops under a mountain of bags.
*Intro Music*
This tale was sponsored by World of Tanks. (WoT) Download the game for free from the invite link down below and use the code "extratanks1" for a free starter pack.
The one carrying the bags is Okuninushi.
Last we saw him, he showed kindness to a hare in distress.
And the hare in return foretold that he would be the one the princess would desire.
And this was true!
Because when the eighty (80) brothers showed up at court and declared their intentions, the princess firmly said, "I shall marry none of you!
I wait for Okuninushi!"
Now how she knew about Okuninushi is an open question, but It's also not really relevant...
...as her waiting for him turned out to be a pretty mixed bag.
Since his brothers immediately went about trying to kill him.
Because you see, they were not super happy about the princess' answer.
And so when camping on the mountainside, they conspired together and came up with a fiendish plan.
They went to Okuninushi and said,
"Ohh, brother!"
"There is a red boar that lives on this hill."
"YOU must catch it for us, or we're gonna kill you..."
"....BRO."
.....now that last bit *probably* should have clued in Okuninushi in that his brothers weren't acting in his best interest....
....but being a dutiful brother, he said:
"Sure!"
So his brothers climbed up the mountain, found a great boulder, and heated it until it was red-hot.
Then, they rolled it down the hill, shouting:
"There's the boar!" "Catch it, bro!! CATCH IT!!"
So, Okuninushi leapt on the...."boar"....and was promptly burned to a cinder.
But his mother was a goddess and petitioned the other gods to save him.
So they sent Princess Cockleshell and Princess Clam to nurse him back to life.
Frustrated, his brothers came up with another plan.
They asked Okuninushi to stand between two halves of a tree that they'd felled.
But the tree wasn't really split in two.
It was just cut down the center and held open with a wedge.
So as soon as Okuninushi got in, they removed the wedge, and the tree slammed shut, crushing him to death instantly.
Once again, Mom asked the other gods to resurrect him. But this time when he was back, she told him:
"OK, look....you probably should've figured this out the first go-round, but your brothers..."
"....ARE GOING TO KEEP TRYING TO KILL YOU."
So with this..."new" knowledge....Okuninushi fled to the Realm of the Dead.
There, because "myth", he instantly fell in love with and married the Storm God's (Susanoo's) daughter (Suseri)....
...at which point, the Princess of Yakami disappears completely from our story because, again, "myth". But anyway.....
The Storm God is not pleased about his daughter marrying this good-for-nothing lesser brother of eighty (80!) other sons. So he tells Okuninushi:
{thunderclap} "GO SLEEP IN THE SNAKE ROOM!!!"....
....because apparently, he had one of those! But Okuninushi's new wife comes and gives him the snake scarf.
....because apparently she had one of THOSE!...and tells him to wave it three times and the snakes will become peaceful.
That's right, you heard me: a heckin' sleepy snake scarf! That is just Van Damme adorable! :3
And so the next morning, when the Storm God looks into his Snake Room, he's shocked to see....everyone curled up like friends! So he says:
{thunderclaps} "ALL RIGHT! CENTIPEDE AND WASP HOUSE TIME!!!!"
But you can probably see where this is going. That's right: centipede and wasp scarf, some waving, and bam! Okuninushi is A-OK! So now, the Storm God's like:
{MORE THUNDER} "YOU REALLY WANT TO MARRY MY DAUGHTER??!! GO FETCH THIS ARROWWWWW!!!"
AND HE SHOOTS an arrow far off into a marsh. Okuninushi rushes right off to go get the arrow. But as soon as he's in the middle of the marsh....
...the Storm God sets the marsh on fire!
{LE THUNDER} "GOOOOOOD RIDDANCE!!!!"
...the Storm God says, and goes back into his house. But in the middle of the marsh, a mouse comes to Okuninushi, and says:
{Mickey Mouse voice} "The ground is hollow, hollow, ha-ha! The surface...narrow, narrow, oho, boy!"
And Okuninushi, pickin' up what he's layin' down, stamps on the ground and falls into a small cave where he can hide from the flames.
And just as the flames close in above him, the mouse skitters into the hole with the Storm God's arrow in his mouth, and drops it in Okuninushi's hand.
When the fire, at last, burns itself out the Storm God goes out to the marsh and to his extreme surprise, up pops Okuninushi with his arrow! But at the sight of him the Storm God says:
{THUNDER!} "YEAH?!?!? LOOK AT HOW MANY CENTIPEDES YOU'VE GOT ON YOUR HEAD! GOOO GET THEM OFF!!!!!!
But at that very moment, Okuninushi's new wife slips him a bowl of berries and tells him to chew them up and spit them out AS he's picking the centipedes off his scalp.
As he does this, the Storm God thinks he's chewing up and spitting out the centipedes....
....which is apparently awesome enough for him to start liking the guy? And so he lets Okuninushi come back inside.
And they all fall asleep. Mental note: try that centipede trick with future father-in-law.
But when Okuninushi wakes, he knows he's gotta get outta there. So while the murderous deity sleeps...
...he ties the Storm God's hair to the rafters of his palace and blocks him in with a stone that would take 500 mortal men to lift.
He then steals the Storm God's Great Life Bow and Great Life Sword, as well as his Lute of Heavenly Melody.
With all the..."lute"-ing done...you see what I did there...Okuninushi grabs his wife and they make a break for it.
But as they're running, Okuninushi scrapes the Lute of Heavenly Melody onto a tree, and it lets out a chord so loud, it wakes the Storm God.
In a rage, the Storm God tries to follow them, but pulls down his own palace with his hair.
Finally disentangling himself from the wreckage, he gives chase, shouting:
[THUNDER} "YOU'D BETTER USE MY BOW TO SLAY YOUR HORRIBLE HALF-BROTHERS AND BECOME MASTER OF THE GREAT LAND....YOUUUUU WRETCH!!!!"
"YOU'D BETTER MAKE A PALACE SO HUGE THAT THE CROSSBEAMS TOUCH THE HIGH HEAVENS, YOU VILLAIN!!!"
And:
"YOU'D BETTER TAKE MY DAUGHTER TO LIVE THERE, YOU SCUM!!!!"
And so the Storm God chased Okuninushi and his wife, shouting these well-meaning advice-threats.
But trips to the Underworld can change a person....as well as getting impulse married...
...and Okuninushi emerged not as a mere bag-carrier, but now, as a true divinity.
But he still took the Storm God's advice-threats to heart.
So he chased his wicked half-brothers out of the land, built a HUGE palace for he and his wife to live in...
....and as an added bonus, became the first Lord of the Province of Izumo.
Wow. Who knew motivational screaming could be so effective? *ahem*
ZOEY! YOU BETTER PASS ME A MARSHMALLOW, YOU FELINE FIEND!
[WHOOSH] AAAHH! Okay, okay, effective...but unpredictable! I'll work on it.
...And probably, you know....add some 'pleases' in there. Sorry, bud! <3
{Extra Mythology Theme by Big Giant Circles}
Once again, thank you to "World of Tanks" for sponsoring this tale! I wonder how many tanks you'd need to take down a Storm God....hmmmm.....
[THUNDER!]
AAAHHHH!! OKAY! SORRY! SILLY QUESTION!
Buuuut....I'm guessing if there was a number that would do the trick, World of Tanks has WAY more!
[Engines revving, explosions]
...So if that looks up your alley, download the game for free at the link below and use the invite code "EXTRATANKS1" to claim your free Starter Pack!