Footballers Do Jokes!
- Starring 10 footballers - well, 9 and Sergio Ramos... - What?
- Who retired last summer... - What?
- And judged by me, Thomas Muller, football’s biggest comedian! - Football’s biggest dick...
Uhoh, someone’s been spying on me in the showers!
- No I meant… - Without further a-do, and I don’t mean Freddy, let’s go!
- It’s The Frontmen... - Siuu!
- Versus The Backmen! - Vamos!
Whoever scores the most points, wins!
Who will be the biggest joker?
ROUND 1 - KNOCK KNOCK JOKES
CRISTIANO RONALDO
- Knock knock... - Who’s there?
- Little old lady... - Little old lady who?
I didn’t know you could yodel!
- Hahahaha! One point! - Siuu!
SERGIO RAMOS
- Knock knock... - Who’s there?
- Give... - Give who?
Give me a point or I’ll break your scrawny little neck!
- What? One point! - What?!
- Vamos! - Bullsh**....
LIONEL MESSI
- Knock knock... - Who’s there?
- Someone who can’t reach the door bell! - Hahahaha!
- No heckling! This isn’t as easy as I make it look! - Just ignore them Lionel...
- They’re just bitter from all the times you humiliated them on the pitch. - Carry on Lionel...
- Knock knock... - Who’s there?
- The grey... - The grey who?
The greatest footballer of all time!
Hahahaha! That’s the funniest thing I’ve heard all year! It’s even funnier than Harry Maguire’s post-match interviews!
Wait... What?!
- Sorry Lionel. No point. - Damn...
HARRY MAGUIRE
- Kno-Kno-Kno-Knock knock... - Hahahaha. One point!
- What? I haven’t finished yet. - Just looking at you makes me laugh. Who’s there?
- Phi-Phil... - Phil who?
Phi-Phi-Phil Jones... Murgh!
One point! That’s hilarious on so many levels...
- Siuu! - Wrong celebration Harry!
NEYMAR JUNIOR
- Knock knock... - Who’s there?
- Can I come in? - Can I come in who?
Can I come in you?!
- What the ****? - It works better on girls to be honest...
- Is anyone else picturing that joke right now? - Yes!
- Then stop! - Go to your happy place, Harry. Go to your happy place...
- No point! - Sh**!
VIRGIL VAN DIJK
- Knock knock... - Who’s there?
- Vinicius Junior! - What?!
- I couldn’t resist. - I said no heckling! Minus one point!
- What? - Oops...
- Don’t heckle your own teammate! - Dark Arts lesson 8: Never shithouse on your own doorstep!
I quit...
- HARRY KANE - MBE...
- Knock knock... - What?
- I said Knock knock! - Who’s there?
- Mike... - Mike who?
- Mike Oxlong! - What? Mike Oxlong?
- So is mine. Hahaha! - Cock jokes? We’re not 10 Harry! No point.
- You literally cracked a cock joke in the intro! - The difference is my cock joke was funny!
- Well how about this Mr Cock Connoisseur - Knock knock... - Who’s there?
- Dixie... - Urgh. Dixie who?
Dixie Normous! Hahahaha!
Oh yes, that well know surname Normous. Minus point!
Get over the stage Harold! You’re costing me more points than the United defence!
ANTONIO RUDIGER
- Knock knock... - Who’s there?
- Somebody... - Somebody who?
Somebody who’d like to apologise to Virgil Van Dijk for making a cheap joke about losing the Champions League. Forgive me Virgil. I broke the bro code.
You broke the joke code. No point!
- Oh god damn it! - He’s having a nightmare.
TIMO WERNER
- Knock knock... - Who’s there?
- Justin. - Justin who?
You’re just in time to hear me fart!
Fart jokes? We’re not 5 Timo! No point!
- Oh shucks... - Typical! I’m the only one on my team getting us points!
PEPE
What the hell? This mic stinks of sh**!
It’s the Dark Farts!
- It’s disgusting is what it is... Knock knock... - Who’s there?
- Who would you like it to be? - Urgh, that’s a bit rapey - no point! OW! Minus a point.
- Pepe! - Round over!
Scores after Round 1, Frontmen 0 Backmen 0
Round 2, Doctor Doctor Jokes!
RONALDO & MESSI
- Doctor, doctor - I don’t feel very well - Can you pee into this cup please?
- Sure. - It’s the one the annoying receptionist uses.
- Hahaha - one point. - Siuu!
- We work brilliantly together! - It’s effortless...
Make sure you tell your bosses at PSG how much we vibe off each other. I need a way out of United pronto.
RUDIGER & MAGUIRE
Doctor doctor - I keep hallucinating that I play for Liverpool.
- Here, use this inhaler. - Will it stop my hallucinations?
No. It’s just what I give all the Liverpool players when they come in here.
- What?! - Hahaha - slightly libellous, but one point!
KANE & WERNER
- Doctor doctor - can you give me anything for strong wind? - Sure - there you go.
- Ha! One point. - Siu!
- Urgh - Oh, Jesus Christ Timo
PEPE & RAMOS
Oh no, no Pepe and Ramos... I’m very nervous about this…
- Doctor Doctor - I’ve got a strawberry stuck in my ear. - Don't worry, I've got cream for that!
- Ha! One point. - Vamos!
That was surprisingly not 18+
- Which links us nicely to our Gylfi Sigurdsson joke… - Cut!
NEYMAR & MESSI
- Doctor, doctor - you wanted to see me? - I have some bad news and some very bad news.
- Go on... - The bad news is the lab called with your test results…
- They said you’ve only got 24 hours to live. - 24 hours? That’s terrible! What’s the very bad news?
- I’ve been trying to reach you since yesterday. - Argh!
- Hahaha! One point! - Siuu!
If only you still combined that well on the pitch...
- What? - Hahaha! Point to me!
MAGUIRE & RAMOS
Do-Do-Do-Do-octor doctor...
Cut!
Scores after Round 2, Frontmen 3 Backmen 2
Final Round, Limericks
I’ve put you into pairs… Write a limerick about your partner. The funniest one wins!
- Limerick? What the hell’s that? - Ronaldo’s next club...
No, not Limerick the club, a Limerick. You know, a funny poem. For example…
There is a young striker called Werner. He can run like he has afterburners...
But when he gets a chance he’s totally pants, Coz he shoots like Tina Turner.
You know? Tina Turner? And her awful penalty in the World Cup 94 opening ceremony?
- That was Diana Ross... - Oh schei***. You have 5 minutes. GO!
5 minutes later...
RONALDO & MAGUIRE
There is a young man called Harry, Who plays in the team that I carry
He likes to pretend hat he can defend... But he can’t coz he’s sh**
What?
Erm, I think you lost the rhyming structure a little at the end, but a silly try… Harry?
- There was an old man called Ronaldo… - Old?!
Bread, butter, chips, milk, tomatoes, scotch eggs, toilet roll…
Cut! Limericks are supposed to rhyme Harry!
I know - I just got stuck after the first line so I used the rest of the time to-to-to-to write me shopping list...
- Point to Cristiano - Siuu!
MESSI & RAMOS
There is an old psycho called Sergio…
Tread carefully, Lionel… I’d hate for you to miss the World Cup with a freak training ground injury…
- Er, that’s all I got… - What?! Lame! Sergio?
There is an old baller named Messi Some idiot kids call him Pessi...
- So far so good… - He joined PSG tthe same time as me...
When I met his wife things got messy
- Point to Ramos... - Unlucky Lionel - and say hi to Antonella for me!
- What?! - Vamos!
- Get his wife’s name out of your ***** mouth! - What?
Get his wife’s name out of your ***** mouth!
It wasn’t just his wife’s name I’ve had in my mouth.
Schei***! He’s gone full-Joker! Cut!