Breaking up is always difficult.
Whether it was an intense one-month fling where you fell deeply in love only to get ghosted or
the demise of a marriage where you slowly grew apart, there’s nothing easy about moving on.
That’s why there are dating coaches - to help you make sense of what happened to your relationship,
what you’re feeling now, and what you need to do next.
In today’s Love U Podcast, I’m going to give you 5 pearls of wisdom from the first month of Love U,
which helps you get over the last guy, restore your confidence, and move forward.
Stick around.
I’m Evan Marc Katz, dating coach for smart, strong, successful women and your personal
trainer for love. Welcome to the Love U Podcast. Keep listening to discover how
to recover emotionally after a breakup. When we’re done, I’ll let you know how you can apply to Love
U to create a passionate relationship that makes you feel safe, heard, and understood.
So you can take the same question,
how to heal from a breakup, trot it around to the whole internet,
and you're going to get a wildly different answer than the one that you're getting from me.
You will likely be told to do a bunch of highly emotional rituals to heal your emotions.
You could write a letter to him. You can burn his stuff in a bonfire on the beach.
You could take some sort of long, soothing bath or journal all your emotions and make a vision board.
And that's all fine. I'm not against any of those practices,
but my solution to recovering from a breakup is more logical than emotional.
And once you understand logically, starting here and finding its way here that the breakup was a
sign that your relationship was broken and that breaking up actually leads you to a better place.
Now, I'm confident that you're going to be able to finally move on quicker and without having
to use all the pseudo spiritual rituals that the internet seems to pass off as common sense wisdom.
So here is my five step guide to getting over the last guy who broke your heart.
And again, I really want you to take this to heart.
Sometimes it's a blunt truth, especially when emotions are involved.
We tend to give people a free pass when we're in love, and we sort of
forget the logical part of things.
So that's why I try to emphasize that kind of stuff in Love U.
Number one, if your relationship was actually strong and healthy, you wouldn't have broken up.
If you're not sick, you don't go to a doctor, which is why, again, this is a true story.
Anybody who comes to me and tells me she has a boyfriend, I will point out gently,
respectfully and honestly that any woman who's ever come to me in 17 years of coaching,
who came to me with a boyfriend, didn't leave Love U with that same boyfriend.
Which is to say, nobody comes to me to tell me, "Hey, Evan, I'm in a really amazing relationship.
I just wanted to tell you and pay you thousands of dollars how happy I am in my current relationship.
Everything's going swimmingly. I just thought you should know.
People come to me because something is broken and they
think they can try to fix it, but mostly they know they can't and want permission to
aim higher, do better. And I give them that permission and the
structure and the courage to be able to do so. So, especially from pushing your buttons,
if your relationship was actually strong and was actually healthy, your relationship
would still be there, it wouldn't be broken up, regardless of whether you or he initiated it.
Number two, the guy who breaks up with you is, by definition, not your future husband.
And this is the punch line of my book, Why He Disappeared.
Appears on Page 133, if I recall, but to you to save you the trouble of reading my book,
the guy who breaks up with you is not your future husband because your future husband
is not thinking I can do better or this is too much for me or I can't accept her or
whatever issues he has with you, which may or may not be fair, but any issues he has with you about
age or attraction or emotional availability or communication or chemistry, or all the bullshit
excuses guys give you as to why they're breaking up with you, almost doesn't actually matter.
You're going to tell the story about one day, the one who's going to grow old with you,
the one who's going to be buried next to you doesn't leave you.
And he doesn't leave you when you're dating, he doesn't leave you when you're married,
leaving is not an option. That's what unconditional love is.
He loves you unconditionally. So let's stop giving excuses.
Let's stop getting free passes to men who break up with you
as if they're somehow really amazing guys. Their fatal flaw is that they didn't want you.
It's not how great he is and what's wrong with you and what you have to do to get him back.
It's like, "Wow, this guy really fucked up. He let me go.
What a mistake." I wouldn't want someone
in my life to build the foundation of my life on that would think that they can do better than me.
Number three, and again, you can see how this all lead from one to the next,
they almost overlap, you don't want a man who
doesn't accept you in full and you shouldn't be with a man that you can't accept in full.
So that's the not so secret secret of relationships.
People don't change and people change by themselves.
They might evolve over time, but you can't change someone,
which is why we never bank on potential in Love U.
We don't say, "Oh, he's a great guy if he only gets a job, if he only works
on his anger issues, if he only learns to stop lying, he'll be a great guy."
No. Let's look at who he actually is. So if a guy breaks up with you, that means
he doesn't accept all of you and wants all of you. And if you have so many problems with a guy that
you chose to dump him because he can't get his act together,
that also means that you can't accept him in full. You could accept him if he was a different person,
if he fundamentally changed who he was, if he became more communicative.
If he had a higher character, if he made a greater effort for you, you could love him.
You could be with him, but he doesn't. That's why you broke up.
So let's hold that up to the light. See it for what it is.
You don't want a guy who doesn't accept you in full.
And you really shouldn't spend the rest of your life with a guy you can't accept in full.
You're going to spend the rest of your life fighting because he's not
the man you actually want him to be. You just want him to be that person.
Let's look at who he actually is. Number four,
when we're recovering from all of this and we feel jagged inside, we feel burned,
we feel like we don't trust our own judgment and our emotions are running high,
and we say, "Well, maybe I can never find someone."
"Maybe this is the best it gets." "Maybe I can't do better."
"Maybe I should go back to him." "Maybe we can make it work."
That crazy talk that we all have when we break up with someone and there's nothing waiting for us.
We need to put that guy in the past. Close Pandora's box and look forward and realize
number four, the next guy has nothing to do with the last guy.
So if you've dated cheaters in a row, does that mean that guy number five is going to
be a cheater? Nope.
Next guy has nothing to do with the last guy.
If you've been abandoned by a bunch of men in a row, does that mean the next
guy's any more likely to abandon you? No. That guy's completely innocent.
He has not done anything to you and he can't be judged guilty because of
the choices you made with previous men's men. The thing to look at in this case is not How do I
find this very specific kind of guy? It's really how do I change my patterns?
If you're drawn to emotionally unavailable men,
if you're drawn to charismatic liars and narcissists, how do I break that pattern
and start choosing the same guy where it's likely to lead to the same outcome?
But don't think that every guy is the same? You have a small subset of men that you've
chosen, and then you think that that is the sum total of all men.
And it's not any more than the guy who can tell you some stories about the crazy girl he dated.
Any more than your representative of that crazy girl.
We can't judge the next guy for being anything like the previous man you
chose at any given point in time. You have a chance to do better,
to choose healthier, to make better choices that are consistent with your long term goals.
So let's not get stuck in this place if there's no point in dating.
All men are the same. Online dating sucks.
Guys are only about one thing nobody wants to commit.
All these limiting beliefs and half true stories, let's throw them all out.
The next guy has nothing to do with the previous guy or the guy
before that. He's a new blank slate and you have a good chance with him
if you listen to your heart and make good decisions.
And then finally, number five, It's hard to take, but every second
you are with the wrong guy is a second that you're not looking for the right guy.
Once again, this comes straight from my Love U course.
And this is just a call to action that if you're doubling down on a relationship where you don't
feel safe, heard and understood, where you don't feel accepted,
appreciated or admired, where it drains you,
it makes you feel anxious rather than secure. You don't have this safe heard, understood
feeling when you're with him, What's the point of a relationship?
And so if you stay with that guy for an extra day, week, month, year, decade,
Every second you sink into that relationship, that's not actually make you happy, is a second
you could be out there looking for someone else. I was just talking to a close
friend of mine about this. Who I love love him dearly and definitely
question his relationship choices. And he seems to think that,
I won't get into what he thinks, because, you know, he's watching this video.
But if I'm diagnosing what's going on with him and why he's in a tough place in his love life,
it's because he's making decisions with someone based on potential.
He's ignoring the red flags, and he's giving these women one year of his life where the truth is,
he probably should have ended these relationships in about six months.
So every second year with the wrong guys is a second, you're not potentially out there
meeting the right guy and you can literally have dozens of more opportunities with new fresh men
who aren't as problematic as long as you don't continue to stay with that problematic guy.
So, go back through that list.
I'm not going to recap at all for you, it's a short, short podcast,
but once you can embrace these five logical ideas from Love U as true and take them to heart,
you're going to be able to leave the past behind and forge a bright new future that's
actually filled with the kind of love that you always claimed that you wanted.
I could help you get it, but you really have to trust that these ideas are going to work
and try them on for size. Please comment below
if you're watching on YouTube and let me know how you best recover from breakups.
What's worked for you? One other thing I forgot
to mention will have Number Six, No contact. When it's over, it's over.
“My name is Evan Marc Katz. Thank you for tuning in to the Love U Podcast. For more episodes like
this on YouTube, click the subscribe button and ring the bell and choose all to ensure
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share an honest review on Apple. More reviews = more awareness of the Love U podcast = more
love in the world. And if you want to have an easy relationship that makes you feel safe,
heard and understood, look for the link below or go to www.evanmarckatz.com to watch my free video
about how to gain confidence, attract quality men and fix your broken man-picker.
When you’re done, you can apply to Love U Live to join hundreds of other smart,
strong, successful women from around the world in a coaching community where women like you
actually get the unconditional love you deserve. See you there.