The new 5 series is an ugly car.
Fat at the back and with headlights like Edna Everage's spectacles.
So, to mask the horror, they've festooned the M5
with a deep chin spoiler, and big exhausts
and M5 badges on every panel.
There's nothing quiet or dignified about this.
It's a very shouty car. "Look at me! Look how powerful I am!
I'm a shark! I've got a fin on my back!"
And things are even worse when you get inside.
There's so much technology in here that you can't just get in and go.
I mean, first of all, you've got to choose
how ferocious you want the gear changes to be.
You've got a choice of five settings for that.
Then there's three settings for the differential
and two for the suspension.
You can even choose how long you want the headlamps to stay on
after you get home at night. And it's not like ten, 20, 30 seconds.
It's infinite. So, do I want 33 seconds?
Or... or 34?
Or 37? I don't know!
42? It's like being in a coffee shop!
Do I want the skinny latte? How much water in my espresso?
Oh, 3... 37.
No! 38!
It's a good job this is a powerful car.
Because by the time you've finished fiddling with all the computer stuff,
you'll have a lot of time to make up.
The engine, however, doesn't sound very powerful when you start it.
It sounds more like a diesel.
It is quick.
It's just that, with the 5-litre 400-brake horsepower V10,
I was expecting more.
So far, then, things are looking bad.
The new M5 is too ugly, too flash, too complicated
and not very fast.
Then you get to a town and it gets worse.
It doesn't really matter what you do with the gear box.
Manual, automatic, soft changes, hard changes,
at this kind of speed, it's slow and dim-witted and jerky
and you roll backwards and forwards on hills. And the ride's rubbish.
And then, things get really bad.
So, you're driving along and a tune you really like comes on the radio,
so you think, well, turn this up. There's the volume knob. I'll push it.
It's gone and I've got a fat bint in a tent warbling.
So, you have to go into the computer, entertainment.
FM or AM?
Who listens to the light programme?
Who?
Apart from the Queen and the Queen hasn't got an M5!
Why are you giving me this choice?
And when you're doing all that, don't hit the indicator stalk,
because it will not self-cancel.
It won't go off and if you try to put the stalk back in the middle again,
the other one's gone on.
When you do finally get the song you were listening to back on the radio again...
Nice. You get about... the sat-nav woman interrupts.
And she... She cannot be turned off.
-Take the next road... -Shut up!
Turn left 200 yards ahead.
I had to pull over to see if I could shut her down.
Please make a legal U-turn.
"Vehicle position, journey computer, computer, exit assistant window."
That's not it!
I've had an idea! Oh, yes!
Turn the engine off, that'll kill her.