[intense music]
- HI, EVERYBODY, I’M DAVE STASSEN ALONGSIDE GEOFF
WORTHING, AND WELCOME TO THE ANNUAL EAST/WEST BOWL,
AS WE GET READY TO WATCH SOME OF THE BEST COLLEGE PLAYERS
IN THE NATION SHOWCASE THEIR SKILLS IN A CLASSIC
SHOWDOWN BETWEEN EAST AND WEST.
AND THERE REALLY ARE SOME CHARACTERS
ON THIS YEAR’S SQUADS, AREN’T THERE, GEOFF?
- THAT’S RIGHT, DAVE.
IT DOES SEEM LIKE THE MOST FLAMBOYANT PERSONALITIES
CAME TO THE FOREFRONT, AND THEY ARE HERE.
LET’S MEET THE PLAYERS FROM THE EAST. [rock music]
- D’MARCUS WILLIUMS, UNIVERSITY OF GEORGIA.
- T.J. JUCKSON, WAYNE STATE UNIVERSITY.
- T’VARIUSNESS KING, MERRIMACK COLLEGE.
- TYROIL SMOOCHIE-WALLACE, UNIVERSITY OF MIAMI.
- D’SQUARIUS GREEN, JR., UNIVERSITY OF NOTRE DAME.
- IBRAHIM MOIZOOS, UNIVERSITY OF TENNESSEE AT CHATTANOOGA.
- JACKMERIUS TACKTHERITRIX, MICHIGAN STATE UNIVERSITY.
- D’ISIAH T. BILLINGS-CLYDE, COASTAL CAROLINA UNIVERSITY.
- [lisping] D’JATHPER PROBINCRUX THE THIRD,
THOUTH CAROLINA THTATE UNIVERTHITY.
- LEOZ MAXWELL JILLIUMZ, EAST CAROLINA UNIVERSITY.
- JAVARIS JAMAR JAVARISON-LAMAR, UNIVERSITY OF MIDDLE TENNESSEE.
- DAVOIN SHOWER-HANDEL,
UNIVERSITY OF SOUTHERN MISSISSIPPI.
- HINGLE MCCRINGLEBERRY, PENN STATE UNIVERSITY.
- L’CARPETRON DOOKMARRIOT, FLORIDA ATLANTIC UNIVERSITY.
- J’DINKALAGE MORGOONE, UNIVERSITY OF SOUTH FLORIDA.
- XMUS JAXON FLAXON-WAXON,
CALIFORNIA UNIVERSITY OF PENNSYLVANIA.
- WE’RE GOING TO BE LOOKING FOR BIG PLAYS ALL GAME
LONG FROM TYROIL SMOOCHIE-WALLACE.
- AND LET’S NOT FORGET THE TIGHT ENDS,
IBRAHIM MOIZOOS AND HINGLE MCCRINGLEBERRY.
THEY’VE BOTH HAD AMAZING SEASONS.
- THAT’S RIGHT, GEOFF.
NOW LET’S MEET THE PLAYERS FROM THE WEST. [rock music]
- SAGGITARIUTT JEFFERSPIN, TEXAS A & M.
- D’GLESTER HARDUNKICHUD, UNIVERSITY OF WISCONSIN.
- SWIRVITHAN L’GOODLING-SPLATT, SASKATCHEWAN UNIVERSITY.
- QUATRO QUATRO, SAN JOSE STATE UNIVERSITY.
- OZAMATAZ BUCKSHANK, STANFORD UNIVERSITY.
- BEEZER TWELVE WASHINGBEARD, JONES COLLEGE.
- SHAKIRAQUAN T.G.I.F. CARTER, UNIVERSITY OF NORTHERN ARIZONA.
- X-WING @ ALICIOUSNESS,
MISSOURI WESTERN STATE UNIVERSITY.
- SEQUESTER GRUNDELPLITH, M.D., ADAMS STATE.
- SCOISH VELOCIRAPTOR MALOISH, SOUTH DAKOTA STATE UNIVERSITY.
- T.J. A.J. R.J.
BACKSLASHINFOURTH THE FIFTH, ALBION COLLEGE.
- [squeals] SAN DIEGO STATE UNIVERSITY.
- DONKEY TEETH, BOISE STATE UNIVERSITY.
- TORQUE...
[jackhammer drilling] LEWITH, NEVADA STATE...
PENITENTIARY.
- THE PLAYER FORMERLY KNOWN AS MOUSECOP,
UNIVERSITY OF MISSOURI, COLUMBIA.
- DAN SMITH, BYU. - I'M DAVE SASSON ALONGSIDE JEFF
WORTHING,
AND WELCOME TO THE 2013 EAST/WEST BOWL,
WHERE WE'RE GOING TO BE WATCHING
SOME OF THE BEST COLLEGE ATHLETES IN THE NATION
TRY TO PUT LAST YEAR'S SPECTACLE TO SHAME.
- THAT'S RIGHT, DAVE. IT WON'T BE EASY,
BUT THIS YEAR'S SENIORS CERTAINLY WILL BE
TRYING TO GIVE LAST YEAR'S STARS A RUN FOR THEIR MONEY.
LET'S CHECK OUT THE TEAMS,
STARTING WITH THE PLAYERS FROM THE EAST.
[energetic rock music]
- COZNESSTER SMIFF, RUTGERS UNIVERSITY.
- ELIPSES CORTER, UNIVERSITY OF ALABAMA.
- NYQUILLUS DILLWAD, L.S.U.
- BISMO FUNYUNS, FLORIDA STATE UNIVERSITY.
- DECATHOLAC MANGO, GEORGIA TECH UNIVERSITY.
- MERGATROID SKITTLE, UNIVERSITY OF LOUISVILLE.
- QUIZNATODD BIDNESS, UNIVERSITY OF TENNESSEE.
- D'PEZ POOPSIE, OLE MISS.
- QUACKADILLY BLIP, AUBURN UNIVERSITY.
- GOOLIUS BOOZLER, THE "U."
- BISQUITEEN TRISKET, UNIVERSITY OF MICHIGAN.
- FARTRELL CLUGGINS, UNIVERSITY OF ARKANSAS.
- BLYRONE BLASHINTON, SYRACUSE.
- CARTOONS PLURAL, VIRGINIA TECH.
- JAMMIE JAMMIE-JAMMIE, THE OHIO STATE UNIVERSITY.
- FUDGE.
- SOME OF THE BIG STORIES THIS YEAR--
THE METEORIC RISE OF D'PEZ POOPSIE,
AND LET'S NOT FORGET ABOUT HEISMAN WINNER
JAMMIE JAMMIE-JAMMIE.
- AND REMEMBER, YOU CAN'T TALK ABOUT 2013
WITHOUT BRINGING UP FUDGE. EVERYBODY'S TALKING ABOUT FUDGE.
AT 350 POUNDS,
THIS RUNNING BACK IS ALMOST UNSTOPPABLE THE WHOLE YEAR.
- YOU'RE RIGHT. I COULD TALK ABOUT FUDGE ALL DAY.
BUT FIRST, LET'S MEET THE PLAYERS FROM THE WEST.
[energetic rock music]
- EQUINE DUCKLINGS, INDIANA UNIVERSITY,
PURDUE UNIVERSITY, INDIANAPOLIS.
- DAHISTORIUS LAMYSTORIUS, UTAH STATE UNIVERSITY.
- EWOKONIAD SIGOURNETH JUNIORSTEIN,
OKLAHOMA STATE UNIVERSITY.
- EQQSQUIZITINE BUBLE
-SCHWINSLOW, UNIVERSITY OF NEBRASKA.
- HUKA'LAKANAKA HAKANAKAHCCKALUCKA'HUKAHAKAFAKA,
UNIVERSITY OF HAWAII.
- KING PRINCE CHAMBERMAID, BAYLOR UNIVERSITY.
- LADENNIFER JADANISTON, UNIVERSITY OF COLORADO.
- LADADADALADADADADADA DALA
-DADALADALADALADA, UNIVERSITY OF ARIZONA.
- HARVARD UNIVERSITY, DEVRY UNIVERSITY.
- [imitating rapid beeping] ARMY/NAVY SURPLUS STORE.
- WINGDINGS, ONLINE CLASSES.
- [distorted voice] FIRSTNAME LASTNAME, COLLEGE UNIVERSITY.
- GOD, HOMESCHOOL.
- SQUEEEEEEEEEPS, SANTA MONICA COLLEGE.
- [British accent] BENEDICT CUMBERBATCH, OXFORD UNIVERSITY.
- A.A. RON BALAKAY, MOREHOUSE COLLEGE.
- HEY, JADINKALAGE? - YEAH, L'CARPETRON?
- CHECK OUT LEOZ. I WONDER WHAT HE'S DREAMING ABOUT?
- HE IS PROBABLY DREAMING ABOUT WHAT WE
IS GONNA DO TO THE TEAM FROM THE WEST.
- I WONDER. -
♪ T'VARIUSNESS T-KING FOR SHORT ♪
♪ I'M A BAD MAMMA-JAMMA AND AN AWFUL SPORT ♪
♪ - SMOOCHIE-WALLACE YOU CAN CALL ME
TYROIL RAPPIN' UP RUSHES LIKE ALUMINUM FOIL
♪ ♪ - MCCRINGLEBERRY I'M VERY SCARY ♪
♪ IF I GOT THE BALL YOU BEST BE WARY ♪
♪ - L'CARPETRON DOOKMARRIOT I LOVE THE BALL SO MUCH
I WANNA MARRY IT
♪ all: ♪
'CAUSE THE EASTERN
SCHOOL'S GONNA BEAT THE FOOLS FROM THE WEST
♪ - OH, YEAH. all: ♪
WHERE FOOTBALL'S CONCERNED WE GONNA SHOW YOU
THAT WE ARE THE BEST
♪ ♪ - WE ARE THE BEST - I'M IBRAHIM MOIZOOS ♪
♪ AND MY RHYMES ARE CLEAN LIKE MY NAME IS DR. SEUSS ♪
♪ - PROBINCRUZ III THEY CALL ME "THE PROBE"
I CAN INTERCEPT BALLS WITH MY EARLOBE
♪ ♪ - SHOWER-HANDEL ♪
♪ THAT'S MY NAME POWER CANDLE SOUNDS THE SAME ♪
♪ - WITH JACKMERIUS - D'SQUARIUS
♪ ♪ - AND JAVARISON-LAMAR ♪
♪ - FLACKAWAXA PLAYS SAX AND D'MARCUS PLAYS GUITAR ♪
all:
♪ 'CAUSE THE EASTERN SCHOOL'S ♪
♪ GONNA BEAT THE FOOLS FROM THE WEST ♪
♪ - OKAY DON'T YOU KNOW
♪ all: ♪
WHERE FOOTBALL'S CONCERNED WE GONNA SHOW YOU
THAT WE ARE THE BEST
♪ ♪ - INDEEDY, WE ARE THE BEST ♪
- [gasps] IT MUST HAVE BEEN ALL A DREAM.
[gasps] OR WAS IT?
- OH, IT'S ON.
♪ - WHAT'S UP, Y'ALL IT'S JEFFERSPIN
I'M THE BIG LEFT TACKLE GONNA HELP US WIN
♪ ♪ - X-WING AT ALYSSIUSNESS ♪
♪ I'LL USE MY FORCE TO GIVE THE EAST DISTRESS ♪
♪ - ALGERNON-SPLATTER'S WHERE IT'S AT RUNNING ♪
♪ THROUGH DEFENDERS AND PADDING MY STATS ♪
♪ - Y'ALL KNOW ME I'M WASHINGBEARD CATCH
SO MANY BALLS IT'S A LITTLE WEIRD
♪ all: ♪
'CAUSE YOU KNOW WE GONNA WIN AGAINST THE EAST
♪ ♪ - LISTEN WHAT WE SAID all: ♪
♪ WE GONNA GET THE MOST POINTS AND THEY GONNA GET THE LEAST ♪
♪ - JUST TRYIN' TO CALM THE VOICES RUNNING THROUGH MY HEAD
♪ ♪ - BACK IT UP IT'S HARDUNKACHUD ♪
♪ I HIT THE Q.B. AND MAKE A NOISE LIKE THUD ♪
♪ - CAN'T BLOCK ME AND ALL OF THAT JAZZ
'CAUSE Y'ALL DON'T WANT NONE OF THIS OZAMATAZZ
♪ ♪ - THE PLAYER... - TJ AJ ♪
♪ - FORMERLY KNOWN...
♪ - [screeches] [construction noises] ♪
♪ ♪ - LOUITH - AS MOUSECOP ♪
♪ - AND DONKEY TEETH
- I'M THE TOUCHDOWN MAN THAT'S GRUNDLEPLINTH
BUT Y'ALL AIN'T READY FOR MY MAN DAN SMITH
♪ ♪ - YO YO SMITH COMMA DANIEL ♪
♪ OTHER KICKERS IN THE LEAGUE DON'T HOLD ♪
♪ A CANDLE CHEERLEADERS UP ON MY CHOCOLATE CROTCH ♪
♪ THOSE GODDAMN BABY COCKER SPANIEL B.Y.U. ♪
♪ WHY YOU BE MAD ♪
♪ 'CAUSE THE BITCHES WANNA GET WITH ME GOT ♪
♪ SWISHER SWEETS AND DUTCHIES ROLLIN' ON NO OTHER TEAM ♪
♪ CAN TOUCH THESE HITTIN' FIELD GOALS ♪
♪ BLUNTED BEEN DRUNK WHEN I PUNTED BEEN ♪
♪ LIKE A HUNDRED TIMES THAT I ALREADY DONE IT ♪
♪ OH, [bleep] SEE THESE HATERS THOUGHT ♪
♪ I WAS PLAYIN' STAYIN' AWAY FROM MY FACES ♪
♪ WITH ALL THE BULL[bleep] ♪ ♪
THEY SAYIN' BUT JUST REMEMBER WHO YOU TAUNTIN'
WHEN YOU TOSSIN' THOSE GAUNTLETS
I'M DAN SMITH AND THE WEST IS GETTIN' ROWDY LIKE MONSTERS