With almost 30 years of experience in clinical psychology, I'm here today to
tell you 3 things that happen when parents
compare kids to other kids.
First of all, I don't think i'm here today to tell you to stop
doing it. Because i'm not sure that you can.
I think that our psychology is designed in such a way that we're
constantly comparing. Have you noticed this?
You compare yourself all the time. Sometimes kind of unfairly.
Don't you? And your kids... You're going to compare them to
something whether it's an imagined standard,
whether it's to their siblings and the other kids in the family
or whether it's to what you think most kids are like. You're going to do those
comparisons. So, I want you to notice that you're
doing it. Now, what happens when we compare our
kids to other kids. The first thing that i want to call to
your attention is the way that it changes you. And specifically your mood.
Because there are processes going on in our mind all the time.
And you can't turn them off. It's kind of like gravity.
It's a natural principle a natural law that is constantly in play
that we are judging or evaluating ourselves, our kids, our circumstances,
everything in our life. Notice that you're doing it. And how we
evaluate our kids changes how we feel. As a
family coach and psychologist, I get this a lot when people come to me
and they say, "Oh, my kids are struggling with this and
they're struggling with that." And it's true.
They are having some challenges with that.
The way they feel, the parents, the way the parents feel about this
is based on how they're judging their kids. And sometimes I call their
attention to it. I'll do the same thing for you
because I worked on a juvenile murder unit. Now, think about that?
All of the kids on the unit were under 18 years old and had killed at least one
other person. Don't think about that too much. It's
kind of disturbing. But then just ask yourself now "How's my
kid doing?" What did you notice? We're comparing your
kid to other kids and kids who are incarcerated for
extreme felonies. Well, when you compare your kid
to those kids, your kids doing pretty well. Unless your
kid's one of those, right? And then you're comparing your
kids to kids who are outside of jail and you feel
worse about how your kid's doing as a result.
There's always a comparison. Just notice that you're doing it
and notice how it changes how you feel. That's the number one thing I wanted to
share with you about what happens when you compare your
kids to others. Your own feelings change. Now, moving past the way that this
judgment, this comparison changes our own mood and
feelings, the next thing that happens when we
compare our kids to other kids is that we model the way judgment and
evaluation happens for our kids. And it's really common for
kids to pick up on whatever their parents are
doing. Whether you like it or not, they're going
to pick up on it. And you're training and educating and
programming them about how to judge themselves
or others. And what that often comes down to
is what standards of comparison are really
important to us. So, if we're constantly comparing our kids with
children who do much better academically, for example, they're going to start to
understand that academic achievement is the important standard of comparison
at least to their parents. And if that's not an area where they
excel, that can start to cause feelings of inadequacy
are not measuring up. In fact, that's one of the biggest pitfalls
of comparing our kids to other kids. And there's another really
interesting psychological principle here that is probably worth mentioning. And
that is, "It doesn't matter if it's negative or
positive." And I mean the comparisons. Because
sometimes you'll say, "Oh, you know what? You're much better than other kids at
this or that." Well that creates a little bit of a
sense of pressure for your kids. Either way, it can foster
feelings of inadequacy. And almost a desperation to keep up the
standard that has been set by the comparison in the first place.
So, maybe that's enough about what happens when we compare our kids to
others. How about we talk a little bit next
about what we can do about it? Are you down for that? Here's my first
suggestion. Avoid this phrase:
"Why can't you be more like...." so and so. Your brother your sister, the kid down
the street. "Why can't you be more like ___?" First of all, why question like that?
There's no good answer. How do you answer that? And what answer
would satisfy you? Instead of putting it in that context,
let's do what we can to focus on individual
strengths and interests and achievements of any of our kids.
Without the comparison with the big brother or big sister.
Without the comparison of what most kids do.
Focus in on that individual and start to build them
up as individuals. Unique and separate and distinct from other people
around them. Yes, there will always be comparisons. The
more we can focus on their individual strengths and preferences and talents,
I think the more confident they're going to start feeling
in themselves. What we're trying to do here
is move the motivation from an external motivation of trying to
measure up to a more internal motivation that has them
feeling good about who they are and what they can do. Everyone has
strengths and weaknesses. That will always be true. And unless
you're the very best in the whole world at something,
there's always going to be somebody better. Unless you're the very worst at
something in the whole world, there's always going to be somebody who's worse
at it than you are. So, wherever we are is right where we
should be. Let's communicate that to our children as well. And help them to gain
that sense of self-confidence that will carry them
forward without the inadequacy of all of those
unfair comparisons. Parenting can be a challenging thing. But
you're not alone in this. Did you know that we have resources
available to you right now at Live On Purpose central.
You can be the parent you've always promised yourself that you would be.
Let's put the support and the resources behind you to do that. There's a link in
the description. Live On Purpose central. Come on over.
We've got your back.