-Donald Trump arrived in New York today
so that he could be arraigned Tuesday
at the Manhattan Criminal Courthouse
after a grand jury voted to indict him,
making him the first president in history
to face criminal charges.
And his allies on Fox have been desperately
trying to dismiss the charges as insignificant and biased,
while also claiming they will make him a hero.
For more on this, it's time for "A Closer Look."
[ Cheers and applause ]
♪♪
Well, by the time you're seeing this,
Trump has almost certainly arrived in New York
after being indicted.
News networks were showing live coverage of his plane
taking off from Mar-a-Lago
like it was the [bleep] space shuttle.
[ Laughter ]
This is all still very surreal.
I honestly never thought I'd say the words,
"Donald Trump has been indicted."
True story -- we've had that cue card ready
for seven years now.
[ Laughter and applause ]
It's so dusty, I can barely read the words.
-[ Blowing ]
[ Laughter, cheers, applause ]
-Thank you, Wally.
[ Cheers and applause continues ]
But, you guys, for me, this is an especially big moment
because for seven years now, people have been coming up to me
and telling me it's my fault
Donald Trump ran for president because I made fun of him
at the 2011 White House Correspondents Dinner.
And now today, I can finally say my plan worked.
Goad him into running for president,
during which time he will most certainly commit at least one,
if not several, crimes
he will eventually be investigated and indicted for.
Did I think it would be for paying hush money
to a porn star? I did.
Even kept the napkin I wrote the plan on that night.
[ Laughter ]
So I guess the only question now is, was it worth it?
Definitely not. Long story short, I [bleep] up.
Now... [ Laughter ]
I don't have to tell you, this is earth-shattering news,
and it arrived at an especially shocking moment.
Last week, after everyone assumed the grand jury
had basically paused its work.
It was about to take a long break.
The news was so shocking
that when Fox News announced it on air,
if you listen closely, there were audible gasps
inside the studio.
-We have just gotten word... -[ Gasps ]
-...former president Donald Trump has been indicted.
-Fox News was so unprepared for this moment,
their studio basically turned into the set from a telenovela.
[ Laughter ]
[ Gasps ] Donald Trump has been indicted,
and he has an evil twin!
Ay, dios mío.
[ Laughter ]
[ Dramatic music plays ]
[ Gasps ]
[ Cheers and applause ]
Now, of course, Donald Trump could never have an evil twin
because he is the evil twin.
He would have a twin who, like, teaches kindergarten
and then... [ Laughter ]
...delivers meals to shut-ins on the weekend.
"We love the shut-ins, don't we, folks?
Many people say, "Why don't they go outside?"
and I say, "It's right there in the name.
They're shut-in." [ Laughter ]
But they'll never be shut out
if we keep them in our thoughts.
And, look, I'm not saying the news wasn't shocking.
It was. I walked off my set last Thursday
after we taped our show, saw the news alert on my phone,
and thought it was an early April Fool's prank
from my friend Andy Samberg.
[ Laughter ]
And not only was the news itself shocking,
but the details that started to come out
about the possible charges were even more shocking.
-Breaking news, and it is historic.
Former president Donald J. Trump
has been indicted by a New York grand jury
investigating hush-money payments to adult-film-star
Stormy Daniels.
It is the first time in American history
that a current or former president
is facing criminal charges.
Learning from your reporting that there's 34 counts
of falsification of business documents.
Do you understand that there are more
or possibly more -- different charges,
or is that, as you understand, the totality of it?
-I believe that that is the grand jury's work in this case.
Now, they could add additional charges later
as other information comes up with a superseding indictment.
But let's go on the premise that 34 counts of anything
is a pretty complete and thorough look at something.
-34 counts. That's insane.
Although knowing Trump, it was probably 34 counts
of falsifying the same business document
over and over. "What should we say
the $130K to Michael Cohen is for?"
"A legal retainer. No, wait.
It was for campaign advisory duties.
Scratch that. Say he sold me a jetski.
Better still..." [ Laughter ]
"...it was a down payment for a new orphanage.
Hang on. It was jetskis for orphans.
That's the one." [ Laughter ]
34 counts.
I mean, if you throw in the other cases
he's dealing with, over the coup attempt
and the classified documents he stole,
by the time we get to the primaries next year,
Trump could be facing like a thousand criminal charges,
which would be very funny.
We spent all this time waiting for one criminal charge
and ended up getting a ton of them all at once.
It's like when you turn on a hose and nothing comes out,
then you realize you've been standing on it
and you take your foot off
and you just get blasted in the face.
[ Laughter ]
And, apparently, Fox was not alone
in its surprise at the news.
Even Trump himself seemed caught off guard.
In fact, he was apparently so unprepared,
he didn't have a social-media post ready to go,
as evidenced by the fact that his first comment
about the news had a typo
in what I would call a pretty important word.
-Moments after the indictment,
Trump went on a rant on Truth Social, saying,
and I quote here, "Thugs and radical left monsters
had indicated the 45th president of the United States."
Yes, he meant indicted. [ Laughter ]
-Or he meant indicated because he thinks they're the same.
He thinks they just asked the grand jury,
"Can you indicate if you think this man paid off a porn star?"
and they all do this.
[ Laughter ]
Also, how did he not have a pre-written social-media post
ready to go for this eventuality?
This would be like the British newspapers
not having an obituary ready when the Queen died.
"She's dead! Oh [bleep]
Uh..." [ Laughter ]
"Uh, somebody google what year she was born!
Oh!" [ Laughter ]
"Who were her parents?!"
[ Laughter ]
"Is her first name 'Queen'?"
[ Laughter ]
And yet, as shocked as Trump and Fox seemed,
his allies in the GOP,
and in particular his two oddly shaped adult sons,
seem especially taken aback.
They took to right-wing media in full-blown hysterics,
raging against the indictments to the point where it seemed
like they were all about to break down sobbing
while also insisting that Trump's enemies
were trying to destroy America
and the Trump should essentially be allowed
to commit whatever crimes he wants without consequences.
-They're trying to smear the guy.
They're trying to take cases that nobody else would take
and resurrect them.
This is literally legal voodoo.
-Let's be clear, folks.
This is... like, communist-level [bleep]
This is stuff that would make Mao, Stalin, Pol Pot,
it would make them blush.
-They see the weaponization of politics
and of the justice system.
We've seen it with the FBI. We've seen it with the DOJ.
We've seen it time and time again.
At some point, the guy deserves a pass.
-"At some point"? [ Laughter ]
The guy's entire life has been a pass!
It's like -- [ Laughter ]
It's like Trump has an Olive Garden
Never Ending Pasta Pass but for crime.
[ Laughter ]
He was accused of racial discrimination
and violating the Fair Housing Act
50 years ago. He spent years engaged
in serial tax fraud with the millions
he inherited from his father.
He bragged about sexual assault on a bus,
he colluded with one foreign country,
tried to extort another foreign country
to help him cheat in an election,
and he stared at a [bleep] eclipse.
[ Laughter ]
And got away with it! Your whole life,
people tell you not to stare at an eclipse.
This dude does it, he's fine. [ Laughter ]
Just fine. Walking around, both eyes working great.
[ Laughter ]
Also, is it just me or has Don Jr.
been watching "Succession"?
Because he has major Kendall Roy energy in that clip.
[ Laughter ]
"I want this party to be totally [bleep] revolutionary,
like communist type [bleep].
Let's get, like, a Stalin impersonator
and maybe some [bleep] ketamine or some [bleep]."
[ Laughter ]
"Blow [bleep] lines with Pol Pot."
[ Laughter ]
Although Lindsey Graham freaking out
is really my personal favorite example,
given that he once ferociously criticized Trump.
After the coup, famously said, "Count me out."
Now Lindsey has flip-flopped so radically once again,
he's calling the charges voodoo and saying stuff like this
about how many counts there supposedly are.
-If you've got a pile of crap and you chop it up 34 times,
it's still a pile of crap.
It's "duplishus" charging.
-He's so enraged, he can't even say the word "duplicitous."
He sounds like he's in an episode of "Love is Blind,"
where they bring everyone back and get 'em wasted.
"Irene is trying to get with Paul.
She's being so duplishus."
Lindsay hasn't been this mad since his memaw
made him go out back and clean the barn.
[As Graham] "I don't care if they're just chickens, Memaw.
If you chop up a pile of crap 34 times,
it's still a pile of crap!
I'm not cleaning up this coop again
until you promise to stop feeding
these chickens your spicy jambalaya!
Chickens ain't supposed to eat shrimp, Memaw!
It's unnatural!"
[ Laughter ]
It's just Monday.
It's just a monday, and we're all having fun together.
Also, let's make something very clear.
None of us, not me, not Lindsey Graham,
have seen the charging document yet.
We likely won't get that until the arraignment tomorrow.
So we don't know the exact charges yet.
But that hasn't stopped Trump's allies from slamming them.
In yet another Fox appearance, Eric Trump told a bizarre story
where he claimed he was on a plane when the news broke
and that everyone around him was on his side.
-I was on a plane. I was on a commercial flight
when this whole indictment broke.
People were coming up to me, giving me hugs.
-Were they passengers giving you hugs
or air marshals tackling you to the ground?
"I was on a plane. I got the news.
I tried to get in the cockpit
so I could get it to Mar-a-Lago and see my daddy.
And then the people were so great.
They were hugging me and giving me
these wonderful friendship bracelets."
Although, that was not the weirdest thing
Eric Trump said on Fox.
He also tried to insist that the Manhattan D.A.
was targeting his father at the expense of other crimes,
although his story about the supposed crimes kept changing.
-This is a city -- I've spent a lot of time in New York --
that is falling apart.
I went into literally CVS the other day,
and you can't buy Tylenol
because it's locked behind these glass counters
because there's so much theft and there's so much looting.
I went into Duane Reade the other day,
and literally you can't buy Advil in Duane Reade
without having somebody come up with a key and unlock,
you know, those little plastic things that you pick up
because there's so much looting in the city.
-Usually when people go to that many different pharmacies,
their name is Jesse Pinkman.
"Bad news, Mr. White! The Sudafed is all locked up!"
Is it Tylenol at CVS or Advil at Duane Reade?
Just pick a fake story and stick with it.
"I went to CVS to buy Tylenol.
Then I went to Duane Reade to buy Advil.
Then I went to Rite Aid to buy Motrin.
And then I went to a Sunoco to buy a Monster Energy drink.
And then I combined them all and chugged it
so I could stay up for 72 hours straight on Fox News.
That's why I sound like this!
Everybody in every one of those places gave me a hug!"
But I also want to address this notion
that indicting a former president
is somehow communism or antithetical to democracy --
another ridiculous talking point Trump's goons
have been regurgitating on Fox News the last few days.
In fact, even the rest of the media
has been framing this story
as an unprecedented test for American democracy.
CNN said, "There is nothing in American history
that approaches the tumult of the charging and possible trial
and conviction of a former president."
Okay, first of all, it's not "a former president."
It's this one. You got to stop talking about
how a former president being arrested is this crazy
and unprecedented act without mentioning
that the guy was crazy and unprecedented.
Until now, we mostly elected career politicians.
And then for some reason, we flipped out
and went for brain-damaged casino greeter.
You don't get to be surprised he turns up shady.
You know what I mean?
It's not like some Illinois D.A. in 1848
was weighing whether or not to charge
Abraham Lincoln for paying off adult daguerreotype model
Breezy Candles.
And, yes, it may be true
that indicting a former president
is a first in American history,
but it's not a first for functioning democracies.
In fact, it's the opposite.
Healthy democracies should be capable of holding their leaders
accountable for breaking the law.
And it's happened many other times
in other functioning democracies around the world.
Two former French presidents, several South Korean presidents,
and two former presidents of Taiwan
have all been convicted in recent years
on charges ranging from corruption
to bribery to embezzlement, and even here in the U.S.,
politicians who aren't presidents
get indicted routinely.
Let me offer as evidence the entire state of New Jersey,
where, by law, you're not allowed to run for office
until they pre-fit you for an ankle monitor.
"We're not saying you did anything.
We're just saying you're probably gonna."
12 United States senators have been indicted in our history.
Nixon's vice president was charged with a felony.
And even in just one state, Illinois,
four of the last ten governors have spent time in prison,
including Rod Blagojevich, who, of course,
was on Donald Trump's reality show,
despite the fact that Trump almost certainly
could not say his last name.
If Trump tried to say Blagojevich's last name,
he'd probably end up calling him Rod...
-Duplishus.
[ Laughter ]
-And if Trump World and Fox News were caught off guard
by the indictment, then I can only imagine
how unprepared they're gonna be for the spectacle
we're about to witness tomorrow.
For the first time in American history,
we're gonna see a former president surrender himself
at a courthouse for booking.
-The Secret Service is preparing
to bring the former president
to his court appearance on Tuesday in Manhattan.
This is something that they've been talking with
the New York Police Department, the court security staff.
It's something they spent days and days working out.
-People familiar with this arraignment
are saying that they expect
it will be handled like a regular arraignment.
He will still come in. He will still be processed.
He will still be fingerprinted.
And he will go before this judge
and be asked to enter a plea in this case.
-We understand that he will get a mugshot,
he will get fingerprinted.
Whether he'll be handcuffed, though,
that remains an open question.
-I wouldn't put cuffs on him
because he would definitely try to wriggle his way out.
I'm pretty sure that's what he's been practicing at his rallies
whenever they play "YMCA."
I mean, here we've been making fun of the way he dances,
and he's just gonna be boogieing away from the cops.
But it'll be especially fascinating to see
how Trump handles his mugshot. Trump's allies on Fox News
seem to think the mugshot will actually help Trump.
And this just gives you an idea of how desperate
they are to look for an upside here.
Fox pundits have actually been on air
claiming that Trump's mugshot will make him look cool.
-This is a horrible night for our republic
but politically a great night for Donald Trump,
in that -- It just is.
[ Applause ]
Because -- No, no.
Because they're gonna --
You remember the mugshots of Elvis and Frank Sinatra
and Johnny Cash and Jimi Hendrix and Mick Jagger
turned them into even bigger icons than they were?
If there's a mugshot of Donald Trump,
it'll be in dorm rooms and on T-shirts, making him a hero.
-Only thing -- Every person you mentioned...
a kick-ass musician.
Being a kick-ass musician pairs well with crime.
Other jobs, less so.
I also think the Johnny Cash mugshot is cool,
but if my dentist had one of himself in his office,
I wouldn't like that.
And just a word of warning to any college students.
If you put a poster of Trump's mugshot on your wall,
congratulations on never getting laid again.
Not -- Not because of your politics,
but because nothing would be more of a mood killer
than seeing Donald Trump's sweaty grimace
while you're trying to get down
with someone you met at a frat party.
I mean, imagine sneaking into someone's pitch-black
dorm room at 3:00 a.m. for a hookup,
and then they flick on a lava lamp and you see this.
You'd be like, "Oh!
Oh, God. Ple-- Turn the light off, please!"
"Actually, if you don't mind, I'd like to watch."
"Your po-- Your poster talks?!"
Trump and his allies have been dismissing this case
as a bookkeeping charge
when in reality it's so much more.
No one cares about the affair itself,
and even the hush money is not a crime if done correctly.
But Trump secretly funneled money
through a fixer to silence an adult-film actress
weeks before a presidential election, and he lied about it.
He defrauded voters to become
the most powerful person in the world.
And in a functioning democracy, it's actually normal and healthy
to hold a president accountable for that,
even if this is the first time we've done it here in America.
And, look, as I mentioned before,
I'm not saying this is all worth it, because it wasn't,
although I will say when news of Trump's indictment broke --
and this is a true story...
-People were coming up to me giving me hugs.
-This has been "A Closer Look."