And you know, I know you have a whole book on this and I'm gonna i'm ordering not audible tonight, yeah, but
things to think about when it comes to my relationship with my children is that
First lesson of happiness is the greatest gift I can give them. Yeah, that was for seven years are very important. They're
actually
The first seven years are crucial I would say the first three years are
the
Nub of it. I also say to people you get the first three years right? You can relax
If you don't get the first three year, right, you'll be practicing remedy or parenting for decades
And that's just our first three years. So I got six months left with my first son game
well, I'm sure you didn't screw it all up and
What does screwing it up look like how would you know
Well, so
Well, first of all, you'd know because there I am with my son and I'm not finding rest in it
So I don't know how to be there with him. I don't know how to be there for him and
I was like that, you know
And I was already I was always waiting for my kids to grow older when I couldn't
Intellectually engage them and now we'll have something in common
But the sheer act of being or the share
State of being I could never achieve with them and as interesting as I look at my brothers, they're so wonderful with little kids
They're so spontaneously there for them. I never knew how to do that, you know
So while you're busy waiting for them to get old enough to talk and engage
you've already missed the window you already missed you missed it because you haven't a lot because they're really because the real
Relationship doesn't depend on words
It depends on the capacity to be with I
Can sense just that energy from you I'm just here with you
yeah, and I'm here and now Anna and I welcome your presence right and I welcome you to exist in my presence and I'm
overjoyed to have you in my
That's what the child needs from the parent and that's communicated with body language and everything everything and to the energy that you expand
They can feel it. They can actually feel it. I can't name it, but they can feel it
Okay, and that already starts changing their personality right? There those schuster personality. Okay. Yeah, okay
And so that's in the first few years. And so you were waiting to intellectually engage which makes sense
They always say that mothers form a different bond and fathers is that just another way and anachronism mother's foreign different bond
But only because mothers are present with their kids. Where's the father's tend to visit the kids
I mean
You know the father goes to work typically and visits at home for a couple of hours and then takes off again next morning
Those father's who stay home with their kids. They learn how to murder their kids
So it's not a gender issue. It's a relational issue and and the mothers allow themselves to be trained by the kids
Whereas the fathers tend to impose their own expectations on the kid
Okay, this is not universal. I'm talking by and large
so those fathers who have the good fortune like in the
civilized countries where
Parents are given paternity leave
Those father's learn to relate to their kids in a different way than the average fathers somewhere else
Okay, we can be trained but we have to be present for the training right I okay
Yeah, I do. I do think of this
Sometimes I was in situations where he's one in two years old and I'm thinking I don't know what to do here
I don't want to be here in the Sun as I was just like just breathe and just be here for him
You know, even if he's playing just be here sigh when you say you mean even if his flame, what's that?
What do you mean one minute if he's doing something that seems like I'm not involved or what you're involved
I know it's your presence
Yeah
That gives us the security that he can play on his own the anxious child
Cannot play on his own or you know playing his own as a way of protecting himself
What you actually when you actually look at animals play
The young dick the Cubs play all the time and plays the preparation for life, but it happens in the protective
presence of the parents
Right, so we're there to give them that time to develop in that way with other kids and everything
You're you're there to give them that space. Okay, so some basic lessons are given the gift of happiness. Be present
Yeah, even if you can't verbally communicate that's not even the most important part just be there
Not even if you can't really communicate because the the two-month-old the three-month of the six month old doesn't understand words anyway
So the communication happens on a much deeper level
Okay, and the name of this book as people want to get it?
Well, the name of the parenting beware that core road is called hold on to your kids
Why parents need to mare in more than peers and that's been published in over 20 languages?
Internationally and is is being published in England in January?
And and and what it's about is that in our culture the children ever need to attach
they need to connect with somebody because without that connection they don't survive and
In the hunter-gatherer bands where human beings evolved those attachments were with adults and not just one adult or two adults
But with a whole set of nurturing adults, learn our culture
We've deprived the kids of the parental presence for the most part and the child's brain can't handle an attachment void
where there's no attachment figure and in the absence of the parent or the
nurturing adult the child will fill that void with the peer group now kids become far more peer attached than is salty for them and
appears become their models and their mentors and they're
there they're there the templates for how to be how to walk and how to talk and as that happens the
kids push away from the parents
Because they're more a lot more
Minded to belong to the peer group which is different values from the parents and the kids vane can't handle that competition
So the brain of the child will actually choose the peer group over the parent group and where that goes
you can see on Facebook and you can see it in the teenage gangs and you can t see it in the
Increasing frustration of parents who've lost a part of parent because parents think that they're part of parent comes from there
the fact that they have the responsibility and the strength and the wisdom
It doesn't come from that the party parent comes from the desire of the child to belong to you
When the child is driven to belong to the peer group
Because we've taken him out of his natural context. We lose the part of the parent. What do we do then?
We ratchet up the pressure
We become more Authority. We lose the authority so become authoritarian and the more authoritarian
We become the more pressure you put on the more they resist and now we labeled them with oppositional defiant disorder
And we call them obstreperous and bad and naughty kids all they're doing
is
Acting out their attachment dynamics
So if you want to discipline kids, we actually have to make them our disciples and the disciples not somebody who's afraid of you
Disciple or somebody who loves you and wants to belong to you and follow you
So so discipline is the very opposite of punishment. Hmm
And how do you do that with your kids?
Well
Malloy you realize that the most important template in fact the essential template for the
Emotional development of the child as well as for the brains
healthy
physiological development is a nurturing relationship with
Mutual responsive adults that is the template for physiological brain development and healthy surgical development and psychological development
That means that anything that you do
that undermines the relationship with the child will actually undermine the child's development because it makes the child insecure and kids in state of
insecurity or in defensive
Flight or fight mode in which mode they don't learn anything
They just start defending and so that every time I used the relationship against the child
So I have a two-year-old who's angry and most psychologists impending experts will tell you timeout
in other words what they're telling you is
withdraw the relationship from the child as a way of threatening the child and
That threat will make the child comply with you. Well, the child may temporarily comply with you
But what have you taught her? Your tartar that the relationship is conditional right, but they're only acceptable to you if they please you
Furthermore you've taught them that relationship are unstable and unreliable
and
And you've learned and they've learned that you're not available for them when they're most upset because why is he acting out
why is he so mad tantrum because they're frustrated about something because they're angry about something because they aren't happy and
You say to them when you're most unhappy, that's when I'm least available to you
And this is how parents are taught to parent furthermore parents are taught not to pick up the kids when they're crying
Let them sleep it out
Just utterly noxious
Because the child we don't get up. What lesson do they get their emotions don't matter. That's the listen to gate. Okay?
just the opposite of what any loving parent wants to teach right so that
The psychology the parenting psychology in this culture has become anti child
You