Do you have an emotionally distant spouse?
Do they often “check out,” or refuse to talk about what’s bothering them?
Do they get defensive or act coldly when you ask why the intimacy has left your marriage?
Do you sometimes feel like you’re alone in your relationship?
If you answered “yes” to any of those questions then you may be feeling like your
spouse doesn’t care about you, or that they’re no longer happy in your marriage.
In situations like this it’s easy to feel like your relationship is falling apart.
But is this really the case, or does your spouse just need some time and space?
My name is Brad Browning and today I’m going to share with you tips on what to do when
your spouse acts coldly or distant towards you.
As a relationship coach and marriage expert, I deal with these kinds of problems all the
time.
If you’re feeling at fault for your spouse’s behaviour, or you’re regretting some of
your actions, don’t worry, you’re not alone and I can help you.
So, without delay, here are ten things you can do when your spouse acts coldly or becomes
distant.
Number 1: Respect Your Spouse’s Differences
When you and your partner first got together, you both had different ideas, stories, opinions
and interests.
However, it’s likely that over the years some of your differences and opinions changed
to form common likes, dislikes, and outlooks.
For example, maybe you both started liking the same foods or picked up the same hobbies.
While some of your common interests may be permanent, it’s possibly that as time goes
on, you and your spouse will form new opinions that will create new differences.
Although we may sometimes forget, relationships require a profound respect for each other’s
differences.
It’s equally as important to note that having differences doesn’t mean that one person
is right and the other wrong.
If your spouse is acting distant, make an effort to respect their differences.
Debating opinions will only push them further away, and you don’t want to make them feel
attacked.
Instead celebrate your differences and accept that their opinions are what makes your spouse
who they are.
After all, they do say that “opposites attract.”
Number 2: Don’t Take It Personally
It’s important to understand that your spouse’s need for privacy or space may not be about
you.
In other words, don’t take it personally.
Your spouse may be going through a phase that requires alone time, or perhaps they’re
battling inner demons.
Whatever the case, realize that it’s easier to calmly invite closeness rather than angrily
demanding it.
If your spouse is willing to share their feelings with you, be committed to talking through
their issues sensibly.
Ask the tough questions, and never make their problems about you.
It’ll be much tougher to help your spouse out of their protective shell if you’re
self-centered and inconsiderate.
Number 3: Call Off the Pursuit
Often times, when a partner is upset by their spouse’s cold or distant behaviour, they’ll
go into “pursuit mode.”
Unfortunately, this only makes the situation worse.
If you chase your spouse at times that they’ve made it clear they want their space, chances
are they will only distance themselves further.
Instead, respect that your spouse needs some time alone and don’t pursue them.
This can be tough to do, especially if you’re concerned about what’s going on.
But, as tough as it may be, the best thing you can do is to stay positive and have faith
that when they’re ready to talk, they’ll come to you.
If you have any questions about pursuing your spouse feel free to post them in the comments
section below this video.
I also offer 1-on-1 marriage coaching to a limited number of clients, so if that’s
something you may be interested in, please visit MarriageGuy.com/coaching to sign up.
Number 4: Lower Your Intensity
Similar to calling off “pursuit mode,” lowering your intensity is about being calm
and patient with your spouse.
If you are usually a loud, fast paced person with a habit of over talking or giving unwanted
advice, then you need to slow down.
This doesn’t mean that your spouse’s behaviour is your fault, but simply that big personalities
may not be the cure for a cold behaviour.
There are certain types of people that don’t respond well to this kind of high energy,
and your powerful personality could be why they’re striding away from the relationship.
Toning down your charisma can help your spouse to feel more relaxed and at ease.
Number 5: Give Them Space
If you’re in the habit of always being at your spouse’s heels, then it’s time to
back off.
Hovering over your spouse or vocalizing your opinions about how they’re going about their
routines can become claustrophobic.
To avoid suffocating them, make an effort to stay out of their zone , bite your tongue
and simply let them be.
If your spouse has made it clear that they need space, then respect their wishes.
People who act distant open up most freely when they aren’t being pursued by their
partner.
If you want to support your spouse, then it’s best to let them have their time.
This is the perfect example of an instance where less is more.
Number 6: Make a Date, Not a Diagnosis
If you find your spouse is acting distance and you’d like to reconnect, suggest an
activity to do together.
Plan a few dates and put each other in your schedules.
The best way to re-establish an emotional connection is by making your relationship
a priority and spending quality time together.
No matter how frustrated you may become with your spouse’s behaviour, remember that they
will respond better to positivity than scrutiny.
In fact, diagnosing their behaviour will only make things worse.
Avoid saying things like “You’ve shut down,” or “We don’t talk much anymore,”
and instead of talking about not talking, just talk!
Not only will it save you an uncomfortable conversation, but it’s also much more productive!
Number 7: Pursue Your Goals, Not Your Partner
It’s easy to become overbearing when your spouse is acting distant.
This is why it’s so important to focus on you while they focus on them.
Think about what hobbies or projects you’ve been wanting to take up, and do them.
Set some personal goals and tackle them.
Now is a great time to focus on the things you want to do, and it’s also the best remedy
for getting overly focused on your partner.
As a part of your “you” time, make a point to lean on friends and family members for
an outlet to rant.
Not only will talking about the situation help you to cope with it, but it’ll also
help to avoid unleashing any bottled up emotions on your spouse.
Number 8: Act Kindly Just because your spouse has become distant
or cold doesn’t mean that you need to back off completely.
Of course you shouldn’t aggressively chase your partner, but you can act kindly and do
little things to make them feel loved.
I know this may not be a revolutionary idea, but it can have that kind of effect on your
marriage.
In fact, a recent study by the Gottman Institute revealed that kindness is the single most
important quality a person can have when it comes to maintaining a loving, healthy marriage.
If your spouse is acting coldly, then they could probably use a little pick me up...
whether they know it or not.
Praise your spouse every chance you get and avoid criticizing.
Be considerate of their feelings and go the extra mile to make them smile.
These small gestures of warmth will go a long way towards renewing your bond with one another.
Number 9: Love Unconditionally You cannot control your spouse’s behaviour,
but you can control your own.
Regardless of how your spouse may be acting, you should always choose to treat them with
love.
This isn’t easy to do when your partner is not reciprocating, but it’s what you
agreed to when you vowed to love each other “for better or for worse.”
Besides, nothing breaks down emotional barriers like unconditional love.
Accept that your spouse could be behaving this way for a number of reasons.
Perhaps they are struggling with feelings of depression or lacking self-confidence.
Maybe they are stressed with work, or are feeling exhausted from day-to-day bickering.
No matter the reason, don’t give up on them.
Before I wrap up this video I want to remind you that even the best marriages can go through
phases where one spouse acts coldly or becomes distant.
When this happens, it’s important to remain calm and pleasant.
Don’t push your spouse, or demand an explanation.
Just simply be there for them and do what you can to make the situation better for both
of you.
Well that’s all for now, I hope you enjoyed this video and that it’s given you some
new ideas for dealing with a distant spouse.
If you would like to hear more about how to save your marriage visit my my website MarriageGuy.com
for the full length video presentation.
I appreciate those of you that show your support by subscribing to my YouTube channel- so if
you haven’t already done so, please do!
Until next time take care, and as always, thanks for watching.