>> Stephen: OH, HELLO.
AND WELCOME TO "A LATE SHOW."
I'M YOUR HOST, STEPHEN COLBERT.
HUGE DAY IN AMERICAN DEMOCRACY.
FIRST OF ALL, IT STILL EXISTS.
I WOULD NOT HAVE PUT MY MONEY ON THAT!
SECOND, CONTROL OF THE SENATE IS BEING DECIDED TONIGHT IN A
SPECIAL ELECTION DOWN IN GEORGIA. VOTERS ARE FILLING TWO
COUNT THEM, TWO-- SENATE SEATS.
THE RACES FEATURE CURRENT REPUBLICAN SENATOR AND RAPUNZEL
STUNT DOUBLE, KELLY LOEFFLER, VERSUS SENIOR PASTOR OF THE
EBENEEZER BAPTIST CHURCH AND MAN WHO GOT UP EARLY TO GET THE
GOOD SEAT AT CHURCH, RAPHAEL WARNOCK, ALONG WITH INCUMBENT
SENATOR AND STAND-UP BOMBING AT THE SKI LODGE, DAVID PERDUE,
VERSUS ACTIVIST FILMMAKER AND NEW HOT DOCTOR ON "GREY'S
ANATOMY," JON OSSOFF.
AND-- DO WE HAVE THIS?
IS THIS IN?
AND I'M BEING TOLD "THE LATE SHOW" IS NOW READY TO PROJECT
THAT...
WE TAPED THIS SHOW AT 6:00 AND I HAVE NO ( BLEEP ) IDEA WHO
WON.
TO SUPPORT THE REPUBLICAN CANDIDATES, LAST NIGHT, THE
PRESIDENT WENT DOWN TO GEORGIA-- AS DEVILS OFTEN DO-- AND HE KEPT
HIS EYE ON THE PRIZE.
>> I WANT TO THANK YOU VERY MUCH.
HELLO, GEORGIA.
BY THE WAY, THERE IS NO WAY WE LOST GEORGIA.
THERE'S NO WAY.
( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE )
WE ARE STILL FIGHTING IT, AND YOU WILL SEE WHAT IS GOING TO
HAPPEN.
>> Stephen: OH, HONEY, MOVE ON.
IT'S OVER!
IT'S LIKE STARTING A BEST MAN SPEACH WITH, "I'M JUST SO HAPPY
FOR KEVIN AND NICOLE.
BY THE WAY, THERE IS NO WAY NICOLE DUMPED MY.
THAT WAS A RIGGED BREAKUP.
NICOLE, HERE'S MY ROOM KEY.
KEVIN, WILL YOU BE MY BEST MAN?" WHILE I HAVE SEX WITH YOUR WIFE.
AS IF THE HAVING SEX WAS A DUEL OF SOME KIND.
( LAUGHTER )
HE'S LIKE, WHY-- JUST DO THE SCRIPT.
NO!
IT'S 2021, BABY, NO RULES!
AND IT WOULDN'T BE A MAGA RALLY WITHOUT HUFFING A PAPER BAG FULL
OF NOSTALGIA.
>> THE WALL, THE WALL, THE WALL.
REMEMBER, WE WILL BUILD A WALL.
WE'RE GONNA BUILD A WALL.
AND THAT'S RIGHT, MEXICO IS PAYING FOR THE WALL.
SO THEY'RE COMING UP NOW, THE CARAVANS.
REMEMBER THE CARAVANS?
>> Stephen: OH, MY GOD!
THIS IS SO SAD!
HE SOUNDS LIKE THE WASHED-UP GUY AT YOUR HIGH SCHOOL REUNION
GOING, "HEY PROM!
REMEMBER PROM?
I'M GOING TO BE PROM KING AGAIN!
AND MEXICO IS PAYING FOR MY TUXEDO RENTAL!"
NICOLE, YOU WANT TO GO TO PROM WITH ME?
( LAUGHTER )
EVENTUALLY, THE PRESIDENT REMEMBERED THAT HE WAS THERE TO
TALK ABOUT SOMEONE OTHER THAN HIMSELF, AND HIS BRAIN DONE
BROKE.
>> KELLY LOEFFLER AND DAVID PERDUE SHARE YOUR VAL-HOO.
AND YOU KNOW THAT.
>> Stephen: NOT A GREAT INDICATION OF YOUR VALUES WHEN
WHEN YOU CAN'T PRONOUNCE THE WORD "VALUES."
"YOUR HONOR, I AM A MAN OF INTETEGREE AND STRONG MERRALS.
I WOULD NEVER BREAK THE LAWWAAH."
BUT THE MAIN THING ON HIS MIND WAS TOMORROW'S CONGRESSIONAL
CERTIFICATION OF JOE BIDEN'S WIN.
THE PRESIDENT STILL THINKS HE HAS A CHANCE TO SOMEHOW OVERTURN
THAT, PARTLY BECAUSE THE GUY OVERSEEING THE CERTIFICATION
CEREMONY IS VICE PRESIDENT AND FEDERALLY PROTECTED FLY HABITAT,
MIKE PENCE.
AND HE REALLY EXPECTS PENCE TO HAVE HIS BACK.
>> I HOPE MIKE PENCE COMES THROUGH FOR US.
I HAVE TO TELL YOU.
( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE )
PRESIDENT, OUR GREAT VICE PRESIDENT COMES THROUGH FOR US.
HE'S A GREAT GUY.
OF COURSE, IF HE DOESN'T COME THROUGH, I WON'T LIKE HIM QUITE
AS MUCH.
>> Stephen: IF THIS WERE AN AFTER-SCHOOL SPECIAL, THIS IS
THE PART WHERE WE WOULD TELL MIKE PENCE THAT IF THE PRESIDENT
SAYS HE WON'T LIKE YOU UNLESS YOU GIVE HIM WHAT HE WANTS, THEN
HE DOESN'T REALLY CARE ABOUT YOU.
HE SHOULD LIKE YOU FOR WHO YOU ARE-- ALTHOUGH, WE UNDERSTAND
WHY HE WOULDN'T, BECAUSE WHO YOU ARE IS MIKE PENCE.
BUT THE PRESIDENT WAS CONFIDENT THAT PENCE WOULD DO THE RIGHT
THING, BY WHICH OF COURSE HE MEANS THE WRONG THING.
>> MIKE IS A GREAT GUY.
HE'S A-- HE'S A WONDERFUL MAN AND A SMART MAN, AND A MAN THAT
I LIKE A LOT.
BUT HE'S GONNA HAVE A LOT TO SAY ABOUT IT AND HE-- YOU KNOW, ONE
THING WITH HIM, YOU'RE GONNA GET STRAIGHT SHOTS.
HE'S GONNA CALL IT STRAIGHT.
>> Stephen: YEAH, MIKE PENCE IS GOING TO CALL IT STRAIGHT, AND
IF THAT DOESN'T WORK, HE'S GOING TO FORCE IT TO PRAY UNTIL IT
SAYS IT'S STRAIGHT.
THE THING IS, PENCE'S ROLE AS PRESIDENT OF THE SENATE IS A
PURELY CEREMONIAL JOB, AKIN TO THE PRESENTER OPENING THE
ACADEMY AWARD ENVELOPE AND READING THE NAME OF THE MOVIE
THAT WON BEST PICTURE.
YES, IT'S JUST LIKE THE OSCARS, WHICH IS WHY THEY'RE GOING TO
SEND PENCE OUT WITH A MORE CHARISMATIC CO-PRESENTER.
( AS PENCE )
MY FULL NAME IS MIKE-O-THEE PENCE-A-MET.
PAUSE FOR LAUGHTER.
AND, NOW, THE WINNER OF THE 2020 ELECTION: 'LA LA LAND'!"
OF COURSE, THE PRESIDENT DOESN'T KNOW HOW TO TAKE CEREMONIAL FOR
AN ANSWER, TWEETING TODAY: "THE VICE PRESIDENT HAS THE
POWER TO REJECT FRAUDULENTLY CHOSEN ELECTORS."
NO, HE DOESN'T!
THE VICE PRESIDENT CAN'T ARBITRARILY DECIDE WHO'S THE
NEXT PRESIDENT.
OTHERWISE, IN 2001, AL GORE WOULD HAVE PICKED AL GORE.
THE CONSTITUTION CLEARLY STATES THAT THE VICE PRESIDENT'S
PRIMARY POWER IS HAVING NO POWER!
THIS HAS GOT TO BE A PAINFUL MOMENT FOR PENCE, HAVING TO
CHOOSE BETWEEN THE COUNTRY HE LOVES AND THE MAN HE'S PLEDGED
TO HELP DESTROY IT.
AS ONE PERSON CLOSE TO HIM SAID, "FOR PENCE, TOMORROW WILL BE
GUT-WRENCHING."
ALMOST AS GUT-WRENCHING AS THE TIME HE ACCIDENTALLY ATE A
"SALTED" CRACKER.
DONT TELL MOTHER.
BUT PENCE ISN'T ENTIRELY ALONE.
ON SATURDAY ON SATURDAY AT LEAST 12 G.O.P.
SENATORS ANNOUNCED THEY ARE GOING TO CHALLENGE BIDEN'S WIN.
IT IS INSANE THAT U.S. SENATORS WOULD TRY TO SUBVERT DEMOCRACY
LIKE THIS.
I MEAN, WHO ARE THESE PEOPLE?
OH, THOSE PEOPLE.
YEAH, THAT CHECKS OUT.
IT LOOKS LIKE A CARTON OF EGGS.
THE RINGLEADER OF THIS THREE-BRAIN-CELL CIRCUS IS
TEXAS SENATOR AND BUS STATION PREACHER, TED CRUZ.
CRUZ WANTS AN ELECTION COMMISSION TO CONDUCT AN
"EMERGENCY 10-DAY AUDIT" OF THE ELECTION RETURNS IN THE
"DISPUTED STATES."
CRUZ ISN'T JUST DOING THIS BECAUSE HE'S RUNNING FOR
PRESIDENT IN 2024.
HE TRULY BELIEVES IN THE PRESIDENT'S CONSPIRACY THEORIES.
THAT'S WHY HE'S ALSO CALLING FOR A SPECIAL COMMISSION TO
INVESTIGATE WHETHER HIS WIFE IS UGLY AND WHY HIS DAD KILLED
J.F.K.
NOW, WHEN IT WAS HER TURN TO SPEAK AT THE RALLY, LOEFFLER
HANDCUFFED HERSELF TO THE CRAZY TRAIN:
>> I HAVE AN ANNOUNCEMENT, GEORGIA.
ON JANUARy 6th, I WILL OBJECT TO THE ELECTORAL COLLEGE VOTE.
( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE )
SO LET ME GET THIS STRAIGHT-- YOU'RE CALLING FOR
DISENFRANCHISING THE VOTERS IN ALL THE SWING STATES, INCLUDING
GEORGIA, THE STATE YOU'RE RUNNING IN, TODAY!
WELL, THAT EXPLAINS HER NEW AD: "YOUR VOTE IS WORTHLESS.
A PERFECT MATCH WITH KELLY LOEFFLER!"
SPEAKING OF OVERSTAYING YOUR WELCOME: COVID.
THE PANDEMIC CONTINUES TO SURGE OUT OF CONTROL IN THE...
EVERYWHERE.
AND I'LL GIVE YOU THE LATEST IN THIS NEVER-CHANGING STORY IN
TONIGHT'S EDITION OF: "CATCH A THIRD WAVE: ENDLESS
BUMMER."
( SUNG TO "AULD LANG SIGNE" )
BE FORGOT AND NEVER SANITIZED.
♪ MAY ALL INFECTIONS BE FORGOT AND ALL PHLEGM'S FINE! ♪
HAPPY NEW YEAR!
I'M FAMOUS!
( COUGHING )
>> Stephen: THE VACCINE IS FINALLY HERE!
BUT NOT A LOT OF PEOPLE ARE GETTING IT, UNFORTUNATELY, WHICH
WAS NOT THE PLAN.
BACK IN NOVEMBER, THE PRESIDENT SAID 20 MILLION PEOPLE WOULD BE
VACCINATED BY THE END OF 2020, BUT THE FIGURE WAS CLOSER
TO FOUR MILLION.
SO THEY WILL BE OFFICIALLY CHANGING THE NAME FROM
"OPERATION WARP SPEED" TO "OPERATION...
>> WE CAN'T DO IT.
>> Stephen: THANKS, SCOTTY.
YESTERDAY, AT A PRE-ELECTION RALLY IN GEORGIA,
PRESIDENT-ELECT BIDEN WENT AFTER THE ADMINISTRATION'S VACCINE
ROLLOUT.
>> IT IS A SHAME WHAT'S HAPPENING NOW.
IT'S A LITERAL SHAME.
THIS ADMINISTRATION HAS GOTTEN OFF TO A GODAWFUL START.
PRESIDENT SPENDS MORE TIME WHINING AND COMPLAINING THAN
DOING SOMETHING ABOUT THE PROBLEM.
I DON'T KNOW WHY HE STILL WANTS THE JOB.
HE DOESN'T WANT TO DO THE WORK.
( AS BIDEN )
DOORKNOBS!
IT'S LIKE MY OLD BOSS USED TO TELL ME WHEN I WAS A BUSBOY AT
O'SHEENA-HANA-HALLA-HOOLIGAN'S, 'IF YOU GOT TIME TO LEAN, YOU
GOT TIME TO VACCINE.' BUT ON JANUARY 20th, IT'S OFF TO
WORK I GO!
HEIGH-HO, HEIGH-HO, JACK!
WANT FRIES WITH THAT?
NO FREE REFILLS!
GET OUT OF HERE!
GET OUT OF HERE, KID!" ONE PROBLEM IS THAT THE
ADMINISTRATION HAS SETTLED ON THE COVID PLAN OF, "NOT IT!"
BECAUSE FEDERAL OFFICIALS LEFT MANY OF THE DETAILS OF VACCINE
DISTRIBUTION TO OVERSTRETCHED LOCAL HEALTH OFFICIALS AND
HOSPITALS, WHICH IS WHY IN NEW YORK CITY, NO ONE HAS ANY
IDEA HOW TO GET VACCINATED, BUT YOU CAN STILL GET CONTACTLESS
DELIVERY OF MARIJUANA AT 2:00 IN THE MORNING.
FORGET HOSPITALS-- SHIP ALL THOSE VIALS TO DR. COLLEGE
FRIEND'S ROOMMATE.
STATE AND LOCAL GOVERNMENTS HAVE BEEN OVERWHELMED.
IN HOUSTON, ON THE FIRST FREE DAY OF A VACCINATION CLINIC,
AFTER RECEIVING MORE THAN 250,000 CALLS, THE CITY HEALTH
DEPARTMENT'S PHONE SYSTEM CRASHED.
THAT'S RIGHT, OUR VACCINE ROLLOUT LACKS THE ROBUST
TECHNOLOGY OF THE BUTTERBALL HOTLINE.
VACCINE SIGN-UP WEBSITES HAVE ALSO BEEN CRASHING LEFT AND
RIGHT, SO INSTEAD, ONE COUNTY IN OKLAHOMA
ANNOUNCED APPOINTMENTS ONLY THROUGH FACEBOOK.
SO DON'T WORRY, YOUR LIFE-SAVING MEDICAL TREATMENT IS RIGHT
THERE, BETWEEN YOUR COUSIN'S WEIRDLY EROTIC
PREGNANCY PHOTOSHOOT, AND YOUR COWORKER'S ECZEMA FUNDRAISER.
ONE STATE REALLY STRUGGLING WITH VACCINE DISTRIBUTION IS
CALIFORNIA, WHERE THE GOVERNOR HAS A NEW PLAN.
YESTERDAY, HE ANNOUNCED THAT HE WANTS DENTISTS TO HELP WITH
COVID-19 VACCINATIONS.
IN RESPONSE, DENTISTS ISSUED A STATEMENT SAYING, "WELL, WELL,
WELL.
LOOK WHO'S SUDDENLY A REAL DOCTOR!
YOU DON'T SEE THEM GIVING NEEDLES TO CHIROPRACTORS!"
THE HEAD OF THE CALIFORNIA DENTAL ASSOCIATION RESPONDED TO
THE GOVERNOR'S CALL, SAYING THAT "DENTISTS ARE READY, WILLING,
AND ABLE TO HELP ADMINISTER VACCINATIONS."
UNFORTUNATELY, SHE SAID THAT AFTER SHE ALREADY HAD HER HANDS
IN THE GOVERNOR'S MOUTH, SO ALL HE COULD DO WAS NOD AND MUMBLE.
OF COURSE, THE PRESIDENT IS TAKING FULL RESPONSIBILITY FOR
THE BOTCHED ROLLOUT, AND THEN HURLING THAT RESPONSIBILITY
AT THE STATES, TWEETING, "SOME STATES ARE VERY
SLOW TO INOCULATE RECIPIENTS DESPITE SUCCESSFUL AND VERY
LARGE-SCALE DISTRIBUTION OF VACCINES BY THE FEDERAL
GOVERNMENT."
YOU KNOW, SOME MASSIVE NATIONAL PROJECTS MAYBE SHOULD JUST NOT
BE LEFT UP TO THE STATES.
THERE'S A REASON THE MOON LANDING DIDN'T GO LIKE THIS:
>> THAT'S ONE SMALL STEP FOR MAN, ONE GIANT LEAP FOR OHIO,
BABY!
THIS WAS ALL US!
SUCK IT, MICHIGAN!
>> WE'VE GOT A GREAT SHOW FOR YOU TONIGHT.
MY GUESTS ARE DR. SANJAY GUPTA, AND FROM "THE QUEEN'S GAMBIT,"
ANYA TAYLOR-JOY.
BUT WHEN WE RETURN, "MEANWHILE."
JOIN US, WON'T YOU?
( LEAF BLOWER )