I don't know when life really begins. When parents meet? or grandparents were
born? I think I'll just start from what I know my name is Sam and I was born on
the 5th of February 1999 in Denmark. Just after I came out of my mum she exclaimed
"He so cute!" when the nurse moved my umbilical cord from between my legs well
let's just say there was something missing and that is the story of how I
became a girl. Well sort of... spoiler alert my mom's womb isn't my
only coming-out experience. June 6th that year was my christening.
Considering I was unable to clothe myself or have any comprehension of
attire for that matter I complied with the dress code willingly. The full name
my parents gave me was Mathilda Corfitsen. The first two and a half years of my
life were spent in a Danish country home with my mum dad and older brother. I
don't really have any memories of living there though only stories my family's
told me then in 2001 we found ourselves with the house packed into a shipping
container relocating with us to the land of Vegemite and kangaroo
taxis - Australia. I was pretty shy as a kid once at kindergarten I got super
upset because I was convinced that my mum had left without saying goodbye. Good
thing she was just a phone call away and our house is about 100 metres up the
street. I got more confident as I moved into primary school and turned into a
pretty cheeky kid my best friend and I would pretend to be asleep after
relaxation to get out of class out of school we would play outside making
potions and causing havoc on dirt piles I can't say this impressed my mom since
she would usually end up with the washing. I joined a soccer team with my
brother which was coached by my dad for a while. I liked playing on a mixed team
because I felt like there was always something for me to prove. This was just
the beginning for me in sport. I joined more soccer teams and also
picked up badminton after practicing on the street with dad. Late primary school
you'd be hard pressed to see me wearing anything other than hand-me-down clothes
from my brother having my hair down was just as rare there was approximately 1
day per year that my hair wasn't tied back in a ponytail my fondest memories
school photo day by my final year of primary school my best mates were the
boys in my year everyone pretty much saw me as one of them there was even a point
when they called me Matthew instead of Mathilda lunches were spent
playing soccer and chasey which was awesome when graduation came around I
went out clothes shopping with my mum with the freedom to choose whatever I
wanted naturally I decided on bright green high-top
converse blue jeans and a Puma sports t-shirt when I showed up my teacher
actually asked me if I was going home to get changed into my dress like all the
other girls I was so confused because I thought I was looking pretty fly
it was then I started questioning my clothing choices with primary school
fading in the rearview mirror I moved on to high school and decided that it was
time for a change I started wearing a dress and after some classmates kindly
explained to me that girls don't have hairy legs I started shaving my chest
was flat but I still wore - sports bras just to feel comfortable getting changed
for PE was so awful that I used to awkwardly hide it in a toilet cubicle
away from everyone else outside of school I was juggling so many interests
which meant I rarely had free time at one point I trained for 20 hours a week
had piano lessons was teaching myself guitar practicing my drawing skills all
on top of a huge academic workload it was an excellent way to keep myself
busy or distracted in year 9 I joined the school's volleyball program which
meant even more training this was also the year I learnt what transgender meant
I was terrified and tried to completely push the thought from my mind
I managed okay for the next few years focusing on school sport music ah and
writing but I was constantly running from myself at the start of year 11 I
began to struggle and lost interest in nearly everything without ways to spend
my time my mind started catching up with me
slowly at first then all at once I was forced to take a good look at myself in
the mirror and confront the thing I feared most of all myself it took
another whole year of dragging this hidden truth behind me finally I cut my
hair then on January 6 2016 I came in to myself I wrote a letter explaining
everything to my family a few weeks later I came out publicly as transgender
which immediately gave me this indescribable freedom it was a
short-lived honeymoon period and before long different clouds started rolling
back in I continued to struggle with school had completely cut our sport and
could barely get out of the house I felt stuck I tried to get help it took a long
time to realize that help from other people would only work if I was willing
to accept it fully to stop denying problems and take life into my own hands
the decision to change came from the realization that transitioning won't
solve everything I needed to heal myself slowly I started bringing myself back to
life first in notebooks then out loud I became my own best friend replanting
seeds of self-worth and confidence fast forward through months and weeks days
and hours and minutes from seconds of mending myself which brings me to now
the seeds have sprouted and grown this is just the beginning but right now I'm
just a tiny speck planting more seeds in this crazy planet a tiny beautiful speck
and together a lot of tiny specks can create something bigger and even more
beautiful than that one tiny speck could ever have dreamed of hailer as you may
have guessed I'm Sam and this was me during my life of course a lot of other
stuff has happened in my 18 years but I tried to choose things that feel
significant to me I wanted to be honest about all of the ups and downs that I've
been through because that really is part of life
I think overcoming struggle builds a lot of character and as cliche as it might
sound I really am grateful for everything that I've been through now I
feel even more prepared for anything that last will throw at me suffering
really does turn into strength so take care of yourself I'll see you next time
you