So, you have arrived here today with a toilet roll.
Oh, this? Yeah.
You can show it if you want. I've got a cold. Um...
And what's really nice is
that's the used toilet roll stuffed down the middle.
That's disgusting. So that's good, though...
Can I have a blowing-my-nose break? Yeah, go for it. Thank you.
SHE BLOWS HER NOSE LOUDLY
Why have you gone ahead with this today?
I've already cancelled one thing this weekend
and I didn't want to cancel another one. And...
Sorry, because I desperately wanted to see you. That means nothing.
SHE LAUGHS
It's like the third thing you offered up as a reason.
SHE COUGHS
OK. So, Rachel... Yes.
Are you, like, a serial dater or are you, like, a relationship person?
There were years where I was quite a serial dater...
Well, not a serial dater, just single. Right.
I thought of myself as... A loner.
A loser. A loser. Yeah, I know what you're talking about.
You know. Yeah. Just alone.
Just alone. Unable to really connect with anyone, yeah. Yeah.
One of the things that would make me want to split up with my wife...
Well, there's a number of things
that would make me want to split up with her - one is our descent
towards a hollow shell of a relationship... Yeah.
But the main one... Yeah. ..would be just to try Tinder,
because that's one of the things
that I sort of am sad that I wasn't in the game when Tinder was around.
I did... The last time I was single, I did try Tinder for the first time.
What happened?
I started messaging someone
who seemed fine, and then it was at the point where they were like,
"Cool, so shall we meet up?"
And for me it was just, clang!
And I was like, "Oh, no... Oh, no. No, no. I don't want to meet up.
"Sorry. I'm going to leave Tinder tonight." And I did.
Really? Yeah, because I realised...
I realised that I was on it just to sort of pass the time
and to feel like I was putting myself out there,
but I didn't actually want to meet up with anyone on Tinder.
OK, but I think you...
What you've got to realise is the impact that you have on the world,
because if you look at it from that point of view,
that guy now believes
that as a direct result of asking to meet up with you, you left Tinder.
That is what he's taken away from that.
So you've gone, "Oh, I decided I'm not going to use Tinder any more!"
Whereas there's somebody that's spent two weeks crying
because not only did they make someone end the date,
they made someone leave the dating app.
That's horrendous. For it to not even occur to you...
It didn't even occur to me! ..what you've done to that guy's life
blows my mind.
That poor bastard.
I do feel bad. And he's probably looked...
"No, she has left. I thought she was just saying it but she has left,
"and all that was happening was, she started messaging me
"and I replied politely and then I suggested, because the conversation
"was going well, that we should meet up, and she left Tinder."
I do feel bad now.
Yeah, you should! I can't believe you haven't felt bad before today.
So, I'm in a show, as you know, but other people won't,
called Austentatious.
Mm-hmm. So, unlike...
This is the improvised musical show.
It's not musical but loads of people think it's musical. Just improvised?
Improvised. With music.
See, what's confusing is we do have a live musician on stage.
Right, so there is music? There is music, but it's not a musical...
It feels like you're getting a bit uppity about something that's
a minor detail. There's no singing. There is music in the show... Yes.
So the show is musical and it's improvised,
so what's your fucking problem?
I'm joking.
But the main thing about the show is that it's a Jane Austen story.
Right. And it's theatrical, it's a theatrical comedic show,
kind of thing, as opposed to, like, stand-up,
and mid-scene, I was sitting on a chair in a little pink petticoat
and I just felt it, suddenly just felt it...
Got my period. Right.
Like, a flow. I get you.
And so I was sat there, mid-scene, everyone watching.
So did you think about saying, "One doth have my floweth of..."
No, because I'm not me, I'm in character and for that character
to... Your character's not having her period.
That character to get their period would be an incredible coincidence
and I think it would veer away from the story we're telling,
so I pick up my dress and then run off the stage.
Our friend who's our administrator is there and she's like,
"Are you all right?" And I said, "Yeah, I'm fine, I just got my...
"I'm bleeding. Have you got a tampon?"
And she's like, "Oh, my God",
and, thank God, she manages to find a tampon, so I'm fine.
At this point Joe Morpurgo, who's in the show, opens the door
and goes, "Your mic is still on."
So, 400 people... Oh, my God!
..heard me come offstage,
say, "I'm bleeding, have you got a tampon?"
Oh, my God. So did you go back on and do the rest of the show?
Yeah. You have to. My character was in the story.
But couldn't you have gone like, "I'm bleeding, I'm dying.
"I'm dead... I'm dead. Oh, no." You should do the show.
Do you think I'd be good at it? Yeah, that was very good improv,
in the moment, thinking what to do. Thank you very much.
And I'm quite musical as well, so that would help with it. Yeah, yeah.